Lies

The State of Wednesday One-Liners

Crackhead: What’s your favorite state? Mine is Seattle.

–95th & 2nd

Guy on cell: … Got fisted from another state.

–7th Ave, between 56th & 57th St

Tourist chick: I’m in Pennsylvania?! What the hell?!

–1 train, Penn Station

Bald dude on cell: Yeah, I’m in Vermont with Bill and Mary*! It’s beautiful! I know, it’s amazing — I’m getting service right on the lake.

–Burger King, Graham & Skillman

Port Authority officer: It’s not easy being a dual-state crime fighter like me.

–Exchange Place PATH station

Overheard by: Marisol

Dude: I went to only one strip club in New York. It was the one in Jersey.

–27th & 10th

Below the Waterline an Iceberg Is Mostly Bear

Boy #1: Polar bears don’t melt in water!
Boy #2: Yeah, they do. They swim in it and they disappear.
Boy #1: Wow, really?

–LIRR

Yes, but Not Lucid

Hobo: There’s an earthquake coming! Get up above ground!
Tourist girl: Oh my god! Was he serious?!

–C train platform, Times Square

Overheard by: caiiya

Have They Asked You Anything Suspicious?

Girl #1: Have you been lying to Mom and Dad a lot lately?
Girl #2: No, why?
Girl #1: Because I have and I was wondering if you were, too.

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Secrets and Wednesday One-Liners

Man on phone: I’m not saying it’s your fault. I am saying you’re a liar, but I’m not saying it’s your fault!

–10th & Broadway

Raving man with large headphones: The myth that once you have high blood pressure you have it for life is a lie! It’s a lie from the pit of hell!

–Bx15 bus

Girl on phone: Oh, no! That’s awful! I’m running! [Keeps walking slowly.]

–12th & 3rd

Lady suit on cell: Yeah, I’m at home. I’m not even dressed yet.

–Kinko’s, Court St, Brooklyn

Girl on cell: Mommy! My fake works! My fake ID!

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Lady on cell: No, Jack, we had six lovely kids… Just because we’re getting a divorce doesn’t mean our marriage was a complete waste of time. Anyway, yeah, I have to board my plane now… Bye [plays games on phone for 10 minutes].

–LaGuardia airport

Chick on cell walking down street: I’m already inside, dickhead!

–Mott St, Chinatown

Wanna Buy a Bridge?

Old man picks loose string off back of woman’s coat: You’ve got something there… Ah, now you’re perfect!
Woman: Oh, well, thank you!
Old man: You believe that and you’ll believe anything.

–Stromboli’s Pizza, St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

Overheard by: shankalicious

Headline by: greg

Runners-Up:

· “Like Creationism…” – Drew

· “Now hold still while I examine you for breast cancer” – Zorak

· “On an unrelated note, my penis cures cancer” – Wes Mantooth

· “Puppetmaster IV: The Rude Awakening” – Chris

· “That’s What God Said To Adam & Eve, Too” – fritzy


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Learned How to Stand on a Corner and Pass Out Peepshow Flyers All by Myself

Latino trying to hawk a CD and pawn it to a latina: So, this isn’t my real job. I’m just doing this shit for fun.
Latina: Oh, what do you do?
Latino: … I’m in, like, marketing and advertising. Real professional shit.
Latina: Oooh, did you go to college?
Latino: Nah, I was already good at it.

–Flushing-bound 7 train

Overheard by: had to get an MBA to get good at it

I Hate Performance Reviews

Teacher #1: We could videotape each other.
Teacher #2: And then we could put different names on them.

–Teacher’s lounge

I Wanted the Doctor to Like Me

20-ish guy: Your glasses can’t be bad, you just got them!
20-ish girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault…
20-ish guy: … That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
20-ish girl: I can’t help it, I’m very competitive!

–Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Pl

Boredom, Mostly

Janitor: I’m sorry, ma’am, you can’t wear boots on the equipment.
20-something woman wearing Uggs on elliptical machine: But these are orthopedic boots!
Janitor: I’m sorry, but it’s against policy to wear the boots on the machines.
20-something woman wearing Uggs: Why are you doing this to me?

–Dodge YMCA, Atlantic Ave

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