Lies

With These Wednesday One-Liners, I Thee Wed

Man on phone: I thought you were calling to tell me you’re getting married. That would have been terrible.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: Lisa

Metromosexual on cell: Lady-fag and Rainblow Brite are getting married.

–Bedford & 5th, Brooklyn

Little Asian girl talking on toy cell: What? Tomorrow? Marry you?!

–Waiting room, Ft Greene Department of Health

Overheard by: nooners

Angry woman to loser husband: If you want this marriage to work, we need to move to Baltimore.

–Starbucks, 59th & Lex

Girl on cell: No, I don’t think sleeping with her again will help… Because, honestly, you shouldn’t be sleeping with anybody else… I mean, Jesus Christ, we are engaged!

–Starbucks, 23rd & 6th

Man to woman: So, he told you he wasn’t dating anybody, but he didn’t tell you he was married?

–11th & Broadway

And a “Beauty” Is Someone Who’s at Least 70% Silicone

Dad: A geek is someone ugly but very smart.
Six-year-old son: Ugly, but very smart…
Dad: Actually, a geek is really someone in the circus that bites the heads off of chickens.

–75th & Roosevelt, Jackson Heights

Overheard by: geek lover

It’ll Be Sort of Like a State of the Union Address

Teen girl tourist: Dad, you know so much about New York!
Tourist dad: Well, here’s the thing — I’m going to tell you a lot of facts about New York while we’re here… Not all of them are going to be true…

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: balletrhino

Wednesday One-Liners Did Not Chop Down That Cherry Tree

Girl on cell, gazing into window of Nine West: Look, I’m with a client right now so I really can’t talk, okay?

–50th & 6th

Overheard by: Carol

Teen on cell looking at dresses: I’m just walking out of a movie theater… A movie theater!

–Banana Republic, 5th Ave

Overheard by: not at the movies

Thug to pissed girl on cell: Yo, I’m, like, dumb far right now, baby. I’m in, like, Brooklyn [gets into pimped-out car with friends pouring Arbor Mist into McDonald’s cups and speeds off].

–106th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wendy Darling

Asian teen on cell: Hey, Emma, I’m back in Chicago! Yeah, want to hang out tomorrow?

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Thugette on cell: I ain’t tryin’ to hear that! You know how I know you lyin’? ‘Cause I just heard it say ‘Stand by while your call is connected.’ You know what that means? That means you in jail, nigga. Don’t give me no shit that you’re in Chicago for the week.

–39th & Lex

Overheard by: Adrian

Wednesday Wrote the Book on One-Liners

Suit on cell: Well, I’m in Barnes and Noble right now, actually [picks up skin care product]. Well, I was thinking about getting the Bill Clinton book…

–Sephora, Union Square

Dude: Are those people speaking sign language? That would be really cool… Although, there wouldn’t be much point in them coming to a bookstore, unless they’re in the braille section…

–Barnes & Noble

NYU girl on cell: Ugh! He keeps giving me all these books to read, and I feel like my mind is like, ‘Okay, I get it. You’re gay and that’s fine…’ But my body’s like, ‘I don’t get it — you want me to sit on this book so you can fuck me?’

–Washington Square

Lady on cell: Is that why you mad at me? Because you can’t read? Damn!

–34th & Broadway

Overheard by: sj

Goliath: Bitch, Please! I Had Food Poisoning!

Man: Do you know who I am?
Kid: What?
Man: Do you know who I am!
Kid: Uh…
Man: I’m King David! Do you know why I got this medal?
Kid: [Silent.]Man: For slaying Goliath!

–7 train

Overheard by: Matt

… Five Tequila Shots, and a Long Island Iced Tea

Dude #1: Do anything this weekend?
Dude #2: Yeah, went to my cousin’s wedding.
Dude #1: Open bar?
Dude #2: Yeah, but I don’t drink, ’cause I’m an alcoholic, so I only had a couple vodka tonics.

–Jacob Javits Convention Center

Enjoying It?

Chick #1: You know how people will, like, tell their parents a bunch of really horrible lies to make whatever they need to tell them seem not as bad?
Chick #2: Yeah…
Chick #1: I think that’s what I’m gonna do.
Chick #2: What’s worse than getting pregnant, dropping out of school, and moving to Jersey?

–3 train

Wednesday One-Liners, Misrepresent!

Woman on cell: I’m in the subway station right now. Yeah, I’m in the subway. See you soon.

–Urban Outfitters dressing room, 14th & 6th

Scruffy guy yelling into cell: Listen, man! I told you, I can’t make it. I’m in the middle of traffic in Queens… Yeah! On the fucking BQE!

–Union St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Grant

Woman on phone: I gotta go — I’m at Weight Watchers.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Bayside

Overheard by: Sara Swank

Suit on cell: Yo, I’m in Weehawken right now.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: gilmoregirl77

Resident on phone: I am just parking the car now — I should be home in 10 minutes.

–NY Presbyterian, 9th floor

Guy on cell: I’m sick today, I’m not coming in… I just got out of bed. [Cabs honk.] Maybe I’ll get in later…

–Outside Penn Station

Guy on cell: Hi, honey, how are you? I’m just here studying at the library… [Getting flustered] No, when Alex says he’s at the library he’s at the bar. When I say I’m at the library, I’m at the library. You know I don’t lie to you.

–Outside bar patio, Four Faced Liar, W 4th

But Then We’d Be Stuck with Cheney

Man in elevator A: Hey, Bob!
Man in elevator B, across the hall: Oh! Hi there! [Doors close.] He should just resign.

–Actors’ Equity building

Overheard by: Cat

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