Chick: So, I went over to tell the guy to stop masturbating on the subway–
Dude, interrupting: –Wait, he had it out?!
Chick: Yeah, he had it out! And he called me a fascist for telling him to stop!
–4th & 6th
Chick: So, I went over to tell the guy to stop masturbating on the subway–
Dude, interrupting: –Wait, he had it out?!
Chick: Yeah, he had it out! And he called me a fascist for telling him to stop!
–4th & 6th
Girl #1: I walked in on my boy masturbating while we where getting ready for sex.
Girl #2: Oh my god, I love masturbating before sex. It’s like a free orgasm.
Girl #1: Me, too. It’s, like, spiritual in my family.
–4th St & Park Ave
Girl: I have to announce when I’m scratching my mons, because I don’t want people to think I’m just standing on the street all sketchily masturbating in public.
–M86 bus
Freshman: You should just go into a different room, masturbate, and then come back!
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Dude: It’s so hot out! I mean, if it was cold I’d jerk off to warm up.
–Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Maia
Man on cell: So, you faked six orgasms?! And you weren’t even masturbating?
–Outside Big Jimmy’s, 77th & 2nd
Overheard by: (a very confused) bronxelf
Hipster on cell: Do you know how boring life would be if you didn’t have to think at all? If you just sat around all day jerking off? God, I showed you what that was like.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Different strokes
Pretty girl: Well, I’m probably prettier than any girl you’ve ever talked to in a club! [Other riders clap.] Have fun with your hand tonight!
–1 train
Overheard by: Bri
Dental student: I was working on this girl’s teeth, and she just… started moving around all weird.
Student’s mother: Yeah? Did you prick her or something?
Dental student: No, she was just… um… masturbating. I didn’t know what to do so I just waited for her to finish and went to get more supplies. What else was I supposed to do?
–Restaurant, Times Square
Overheard by: Well, what would you do?
Guy #1: So, my uncle is having marriage problems. His wife found kiddie porn on his computer.
Guy #2: Damn… That shit’s illegal. Did she confront him about it?
Guy #1: Yeah… You know what he said to her?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: ‘Well, I wouldn’t need to use it if you were prettier.’
–Ozzie’s, Lincoln & 7th Ave
Overheard by: augie
Guy #1: So, I don’t mean to be morbid, but of all the ways one can die, which would you prefer? I mean, if you had a choice, how would you prefer to die?
Guy #2, matter-of-factly: Masturbating… Yeah, I’d like to go out while masturbating.
–Karavas restaurant, Christopher & 7th
Rocker guy: I saw your dad on the news a couple weeks ago.
Cute girl: Yeah?
Rocker guy: Yeah. He was at the Capitol lobbying for increased funding.
Cute girl: Oh, for the youth detention center, right.
Rocker guy: I was masturbating at the time.
Cute girl, laughing: Are you fucking serious?!
Rocker guy: Yeah. I came immediately.
–Mikey’s Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rachael
Hipster #1: Mom said since he’s had an erection for that long, they need to chop it off.
Hipster #2: That’s stupid. Why do they need to chop off his penis?
Hipster #1: It doesn’t matter — I think iguanas have two.
Hipster #2: Couldn’t they just jerk him off?
–Mandate of Heaven, 347 Grand St
Man #1: So, I was just chillin’ out on my porch relaxing when all of a sudden the retarded kid across the street comes out of his house gently yanking his dick, then goes calmly back inside!
Man #2: Where were his parents?
Man #1: Out at the store. He’s old enough to watch himself. But get this — five minutes later he comes out again like a bat out of hell, wearing nothing but a ski hat and winter gloves, jacking off like crazy!
Man #2: What the fuck?!
Man #1: Then, when his parents get back I tell them what happened and his dad tells me, ‘Hmmm, he usually does that on the back porch…’
–Central Park
Dude #1: Yo, I really gotta stop whackin’ off.
Dude #2: Nah, chill. I do it all the time, man.
Dude #1: Like, at home?
Dude #2: Nah, in the school bathroom.
–Union Square
