Pee

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master’s in Evacuation

Lady: Okay, it’s been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee.

–The Factory, Christopher St

Man: Shit! Why isn’t this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can’t just take a piss right here, ’cause I need to be all proper and shit.

–1 train

Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: … And then I got peed on. I got peed on — on my face! I wanna get peed on again.

–Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave

Overheard by: WTF Mate

Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high?

–9th & 7th

Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That’s what I told her — he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs.

–B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn

Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls!

–Chambers St station

Overheard by: Cat

Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City!

–Restroom, Virgin Megastore

Overheard by: it was mine too.

Cortitos Del Miércoles

Saucy Latina: I don’t want to get a bikini wax if it won’t be sexual.

–Dallas BBQ, Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

Exasperated Latina: She makes me sin on freakin’ Ash Wednesday!

–42nd St. 4 station

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Latina on cell: Hey, just calling to say hi… And tell you I’m never gonna see you again. Okay, bye!

–24th & 7th

Whiny Latina: I don’t want to sweat today — I can’t mess up my hair!

–New York Sports Club, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Loud Latina: He woke up and pissed in a bottle. I was like, ‘The bathroom’s right there! Why you gotta piss in a 40 bottle?’

–3 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Sassy Latina on cell: Well, you can just call your parents and tell them you’re a pig and need more than one woman and that’s why we aren’t getting married!

–Near Steinway St, Queens

Overheard by: ADC

Latino thug: That’s what we do. That’s what we do when we hangin’ out with a girl: smoke a blunt, watch a movie, and then we fuck. That’s what we do. All my niggas, that’s what we do!

–Ft Greene

Overheard by: Andrew

Try a Different City

Hot lesbian #1: Come on, this girl is taking forever!
Hot lesbian #2: If I lift up my clit I can pee standing up…
Straight Asian dude trying to come in: Um…
Hot lesbian #3: Excuse me! Some people are trying to use the urinal! Could we have some privacy in here or what?

–Men’s room, lesbian bar

Overheard by: projectilepee

You Should Take Taxis Everywhere

Chick: Yo, people pee in this place. I don’t know why.
Friend: What?
Chick: I got a bionic nose. I can smell pee from three days ago.

–ACE, 14th & 8th

Overheard by: blistexaddict

And Mimimal Deadbabyage

Passenger #1: Boy, this elevator is slow! It’s worse than in the projects!
Passenger #2: Yeah, but there’s less urine here.
Passenger #3: Less throw up, too.

–Elevator, office building, Midtown

But That’s a Cocktail Stirrer

Girl #1: Here, take it.
Girl #2: I really don’t think this is necessary…
Girl #1: But you missed your period. And you’re all pukey. Don’t you want to know?
Girl #2: But I don’t think I am.
Girl #1: Well, I can’t date him until we know he’s not your baby daddy!
Girl #2: Start dating him! It’s fine. I don’t think I am!
Girl #1: Will you just pee on the fucking stick?!

–Bathroom, bar, Williamsburg

I Really Need a Better Test

Dude #1: What happened?
Dude #2: I wiped my face with it and didn’t smell like piss.
Dude #1: Oh. Okay then.

–Crowded Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: budgetmoon

Deliberately Obfuscating Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to 13-year-old boy: Honey, that was really scatological.

–Bleecker & 6th

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Woman: No, tiny Katie — the one with the enormous mammary protruberances.

–R train, Queens Plaza

Overheard by: I mean I wanna squeeze ’em!

Suit mom to teen daughter: We should go, but before we do, perhaps we should urinate.

–Barnes & Noble, Court St

Overheard by: Zenana

Dude: I have many ways to distance myself from other people. Primarily gastronomically.

–12th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: tbull

Man on cell: I am so not litigious. I am, like, violently not litigious.

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nora

Girl: I mean, come on! We’re in college! Can’t the word ‘silly’ stay in the dorms? I mean, there’s a dictionary full of words that could be used to describe something so… erroneous.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Wednesday One-Liners Have to Go

Lady on cell: Trust me, this is the one time you can pee on a woman and not totally demean her.

–Grand Central

Well-dressed woman holding a McDonald’s cup that her son, pants still around his ankles, pissed into: Nice job, honey.

–14th & 6th

Girl in back row: I really like the new LIRR trains. I never pissed in the old ones, but I licked one once… Oh, and I pissed on the floor of a new one… Yeah, I did.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Wishing my Physics Final Started 5 min’s ago

Pissing hobo: This piss is for Mike Bloomberg. Ahhh, yeah.

–Barnes & Noble restroom, 82nd St

Wednesday One-Liners’ Middle Name Is Ralph, As in Puke

Subway announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that there is no V train service on the weekends… That’s V as in ‘vomit.’

–57th St station

Overheard by: heroine in iniquity

Gotti-looking girl: Yeah, and I wasn’t having a good time so she was like, ‘Why didn’t you just get drunk and throw up on him?’ and I was like, ‘Because I’m not gonna stoop to his level. I’ll just have someone break his legs.’

–LIRR Hicksville

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: No fighting, no throwing up.

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Kristen

Drunk frat boy: Yo, man, what’s your poison tonight? What do you feel like tasting on the way up, bro? Do you want a puke jager? Do you want a puke jager?

–PATH to Christopher St

Metal guy to friend: I’m tellin’ you, if you gotta throw up you can’t beat pancakes and syrup.

–Burger King, 34th St

Overheard by: Glad I was done eating

Irish girl: It was a great night! No one peed in the shower, no one puked in their purse… None of that ever happened!

–168th & Ft Washington Ave

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