Brunette: I felt so bad for that cab driver yesterday.
Redhead: Yeah, I know! He was like, ‘I’ve been here for seven years and I haven’t done anything with my life…’
Brunette: Yeah, I know, and I’m like, ‘Me, too… But I’m rich!’
–Elizabeth & Spring
Overheard by: mark
Tourist hubby to wifey who jumped up from taking a seat: What happened?
Tourist woman, disgusted: I just saw some dirt!
–4 train
Four-year-old boy: There are too many people on the train. Someone needs to get off.
Mom: Who needs to get off?
Four-year-old boy: Us!
–A train
Overheard by: otilio
Conductor: People, the train is too crowded… Just like OJ — if you can’t fit, you must quit.
–6 train
Mom to kid: Say, ‘Excuse me,’ and if they don’t move, then you can push them out of the way ’cause you said ‘excuse me.’
–Crowded D train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: teany
Crushed geriatric lady: If this train were anymore crowded you could get pregnant!
–3 train
Overheard by: glad i’m on the pill
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, as I said before, this train is overcrowded. I am very attractive, but there are other attractive conductors on the train behind this one.
–6 train
Man, to his six-year-old child: You can push through the crowd, okay? Just watch your face.
–Train at 57th & 7th
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
–E train, Queens Plaza station
Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There’s a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There’s also a lot of dreams in this world.
–2 train, 34th St
Overheard by: mf
Headline by: CVK
Runners-Up:
· “The Buddha Grows Up” – Barry P.
· “Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck” – Rick Felice
· “Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am” – Golf Widow
· “The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech” – Peter Madsen
· “Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!” – Jo
Conductor: Due to an incident, the L train is now running at a slower speed.
Chick, to friend: You see?! You see?! It’s always a body with the L train. With the L train it’s always a body.
–L train, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
20-something girl #1: Oooh, I think I see the bus!
20-something girl #2: Yes!
20-something girl #1: Don’t get too excited. I’m not sure I see it yet.
20-something girl #2: I won’t. I mean, it’s just a bus. It’s not like it’s Santa.
–6th & 8th, Park Slope
Preppy girl to friend: I vote to ban fat people from trains. [Woman nearby throws angry look.] Just at rush hour! [Woman mutters under her breath.] Local-only chub train?
–Crowded 3 train
Loud girl: Ugh! It smells like vagina in here!
Embarrassed friend: Shhh! You’re so loud!
Loud girl: No, seriously. It fucking smells on this train. It smells like a big, sweaty fucking vagina.
Embarrassed friend: It’s not that bad.
Loud girl: Yes, yes it is. Those train doors are the hole, and now we’re standing in a loose, flappy, smelly vagina.
–6 train
Overheard by: it did smell
