Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let’s go!
–N train
Overheard by: Julia
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let’s go!
–N train
Overheard by: Julia
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could’ve told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
–F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Passenger, after 30 minutes of delay: What do you suppose is going on up there?
Conductor, matter-of-factly: Someone is splattered all over the tracks for sure.
–Grand Central-bound Metro-North
Brunette: I felt so bad for that cab driver yesterday.
Redhead: Yeah, I know! He was like, ‘I’ve been here for seven years and I haven’t done anything with my life…’
Brunette: Yeah, I know, and I’m like, ‘Me, too… But I’m rich!’
–Elizabeth & Spring
Overheard by: mark
Tourist hubby to wifey who jumped up from taking a seat: What happened?
Tourist woman, disgusted: I just saw some dirt!
–4 train
Four-year-old boy: There are too many people on the train. Someone needs to get off.
Mom: Who needs to get off?
Four-year-old boy: Us!
–A train
Overheard by: otilio
Conductor: People, the train is too crowded… Just like OJ — if you can’t fit, you must quit.
–6 train
Mom to kid: Say, ‘Excuse me,’ and if they don’t move, then you can push them out of the way ’cause you said ‘excuse me.’
–Crowded D train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: teany
Crushed geriatric lady: If this train were anymore crowded you could get pregnant!
–3 train
Overheard by: glad i’m on the pill
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, as I said before, this train is overcrowded. I am very attractive, but there are other attractive conductors on the train behind this one.
–6 train
Man, to his six-year-old child: You can push through the crowd, okay? Just watch your face.
–Train at 57th & 7th
Male conductor over the speakers: This is the express train! Next stop: Roosevelt Avenue.
Female conductor over the speakers: Shit, this is the express?!
–E train, Queens Plaza station
Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There’s a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There’s also a lot of dreams in this world.
–2 train, 34th St
Overheard by: mf
Headline by: CVK
Runners-Up:
· “The Buddha Grows Up” – Barry P.
· “Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck” – Rick Felice
· “Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am” – Golf Widow
· “The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech” – Peter Madsen
· “Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!” – Jo
Conductor: Due to an incident, the L train is now running at a slower speed.
Chick, to friend: You see?! You see?! It’s always a body with the L train. With the L train it’s always a body.
–L train, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
