Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, Cold Enough for You?

Woman on Bluetooth: How’s the weather like in your New York?

–33rd & Broadway

Old lady: Geez! Man! It is really cold here! [Looks at other lady] This is why I live in Brooklyn!

–96th & Broadway

Brit tourist to another: Eeee, I knew it were gonna be cold, but I forgot we’d have to, like, go outside.

–Central Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Chick on cell: Why can’t you pick me up, Dad? … I don’t want to wait for the bus — it’s too cold out… Okay, thanks. See you later. [Hangs up phone.] Asshole.

–Bronx-bound 4 train

Overheard by: Sternie

Queer hipster: It’s gonna be cold this weekend. Like, negative four or negative zero.

–Essex Restaurant, LES

Pilot: Welcome aboard our plane this afternoon, with direct service to Atlanta. The current weather in Atlanta is actually colder than it is here, so it sucks to be you.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: jaybrrd

Posted on March 5, 2008
At the Airport, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Default, Foreigners, Girls, Gripes, Hipsters, Insults, NYC Geography, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Pilots, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weather, Women

I’m Not Getting Arrested for Breaking the Laws of Physics

Agitated Indian woman on platform, unable to board: You! You in the orange shirt! Do you speak English?
Asian woman in orange shirt: … Yes.
Agitated Indian woman: Could you move into the center of the car? Move in, move in! Move in so we can get on!
Asian woman: I am moved in. I’m in the exact center of the car!
Agitated Indian woman: No, there is room! Orange shirt, move in!
Asian woman: I can’t go anywhere. I don’t know what you expect me to do.
Agitated Indian woman: [String of expletives in Hindi.]Asian woman, under breath: Psycho.

–Crowded N train, 59th St stop

Overheard by: trappedinabay

Posted on March 3, 2008
Anger Management, Asians, Default, Desi, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Women

Over 1 Billion Wednesday One-Liners Served

Guy to friend: Yo! I’m mad hungry! I want some anus! [Passengers stare.] … Awww, shit! I meant that shit from McDonald’s — angus! Angus!

–4 train

Enthusiastic queer: This train smells like McDonald’s! Someone’s being a chubby chicken!

–Queens-bound N train

Overheard by: Onion

Hobo: Just so you know, they don’t got liquor stores in heaven. They don’t got no McDonald’s, neither.

–1 train

Overheard by: Galen

Girl on cell: He’s obsessed with America’s Next Top Model… And he watches What Not to Wear… What? No… Mom, he said that McDonald’s fries are his weakness, but they go straight to his thighs! How much gayer do you need him to be?!

–Pratt Institute

Mom to crying kid in stroller: Well, if you don’t want McDonald’s, I don’t know what I can get you.

–207th & Broadway

Posted on February 27, 2008
College, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Junk Food & Fast Food, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Stupidity, TV, Words

The Parable of Wednesday and the One-Liners

Voice on PA system: Attention — if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don’t stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Kate

Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen…

–2 train

Overheard by: beeloo

God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson — what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you’re going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!

–Roosevelt Ave station

Overheard by: How come Jesus didn’t represent himself at the Crucifiction?

Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy — whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?

–21st St

Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey… I’m in the Bronx, preaching… I told you last night, remember? I said, ‘God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.’ Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!

–6 train

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Anger Management, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Default, God Squad, Jesus, Jews, Men, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Religion, Staten Island Ferry, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Weirdness

Actually, Meg Ryan’s Just Had Too Much Eye Work Done

Woman: Whoopsie!
Male friend #1, drunk: Whoooopsie!
Male friend #2: So, this train goes to Atlantic Avenue, right?
Woman: Right.
Male friend #2, pulling out mini map: So, we’re here… and Atlantic Avenue is…
Woman, lowering voice: You’re standing too close to that girl.
Male friend #1, drunk: What? No I’m not.
Woman: Yes, you are. You’re right in her face.
Drunk man: Oh, she doesn’t care. She’s Korean.

–Q train

Overheard by: the 6′ tall white girl he was standing WAY too close to

Posted on February 26, 2008
Default, Directions, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Gripes, Guys, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Race, Women

If Rosa Parks Had Been a Latina

Conductor, as lady’s bag keeps catching on door: One woman is single-handedly holding up the entire New York City transit system.

–F train

Headline by: Tad Allagash

Runners-Up:
· “Atlas Shopped” – Rosie
· “More Specifically: One Poor, Tattered Pomeranian Is Single-handedly Holding Up the Entire New York City Transit System.” – criffer
· “Not True- There’s a Hobo Asleep On The Tracks 3 Stops Ahead” – Dangello
· “Passengers: (Continued Indifference)” – Chuckles
· “Then the Lord God Said to the Woman, “What Is This You Have Done?”” – amanda p.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on February 7, 2008
Conductors, Gripes, Headline Contest Winners, On the Subway, Public Transportation

Wednesday One-Liners Read Overheard in the Office

Conductor: Are you going to work? Are you going somewhere? Let us know by getting out of train doors.

–R train, Lexington Ave stop

Bartender swinging nipple tassels: Can you believe they wouldn’t let me do this at my old job?!

–Bar, Broadway, between 76th & 77th

Overheard by: Lezbotron

IT guy: I can break whatever I want, because I fix it!

–Office, 45th & 3rd

Overheard by: beans

I-banker to two others: He got the bonus for people that don’t get bonuses.

–Metro-North

Comedy club flyer guy: I hate my job, and it’s all your fault!

–Times Square

30-something hippie at show: 2008 is the year that I get a job.

–New Year’s Eve concert

Overheard by: Smash

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Conductors, Flyer people, Gossip, Gripes, Hippies, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Suits, Theater, Times Square, Wishes & desires

Unassailable Logic: A NYC Short Story

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let’s go!

–N train

Overheard by: Julia

Posted on January 18, 2008
Conductors, Gripes, On the Subway, Public Transportation

He Also Predicted We’d Find WMDs in Iraq

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could’ve told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!

–F train, 75th St, Forest Hills

Overheard by: trench coat commuter

Posted on December 31, 2007
Conductors, Crazies, Gripes, On the Subway, Public Transportation

Public Transportation