Shopping

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs

Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!

–57th & 7th

Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you’ve got trouble on your hands.

–Union Square

Overheard by: McFreaky

Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it’s getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!

–JFK

Overheard by: Pixie

Realist on cell: Well you can’t expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.

–53rd & 6th

Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?

–St Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: Diane

Business woman: No, I told her I’d rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.

–Chipotle, 22nd & 6th

Maybe if You’d Gone Down on me Like I Asked You to…

Little boy: Mom! Look, candy! I want candy!
Mother: No, you can’t have candy. Besides, they only put that there to trick you into buying it when you don’t really want it. It’s called an impulse buy. Do you want to be tricked?
Little boy: Mooom! Why won’t you buy me caaandy?!
Mother: Because I don’t love you enough.

–Blockbuster, 8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emily

How About a Rubber Nun’s Habit With a Kicky Red Headband?

Fashionista #1: We really spent a lot of money on ourselves today.
Fashionista #2: Yeah, we did some damage.
Fashionista #1: Next week we need to, like–
Fashionista #2: –Do charity work?
Fashionista #1, laughing: Seriously. Can we buy something cute for that?

–50th & 5th

Overheard by: Amused

Just When You Think Humanity Is One Species

Black woman #1, looking at the Time Warner Center: I haven’t been in there yet. But you know it’s not for us.
Black woman #2: Why did they put a J Crew in there? J Crew ain’t never got nothing.
Black woman #1: I know. If anything, they should have put a Kohl’s. They got Kohl’s in there?

–Uptown M7 bus

Overheard by: Always listening to other people’s conversations

Mud Brick Hovels, Yurts, and Step Pyramid Temples, Mostly

Saleslady: Where are you from?
Tourist: Kansas City.
Saleslady: There’s a city in Kansas? Like with buildings?
Tourist: Yes.
Saleslady: Tall ones?

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Evie

Only Childless People Will Be Shocked By This

Tween boy: Mom! Let’s go already!
Mom: If you’re so bored, go play in traffic.

–Victoria’s Secret, Lincoln Center

And It Wears Off in Six Hours!

Toy soldier doorman: Sorry, sir, the store is closing and we’re not letting anyone else in.
Guy: But I have an enormous expense account!

–FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: Dugan Hayes

She Has to Rebuff Him Three Times Before Answering the Question

Middle-aged female shopper: Excuse me, can you tell me where the matzoh is?
Fairway employee: Matzoh? I don’t know. What is that, a drink?

–Fairway Market, Red Hook, Brooklyn

She’s Really Good At Math, Though

Asian valley chick: So, I bought this shirt? And it was like…it was like…it was like, a shirt? And it was really cool.

–N train

Patriotic Feces? Old Navy’s New Product Line Is Genius!

Black lady with five kids: You can’t get anything here. We gots to get to Old Navy to buy us all our Fourth of July t-shirts so we match at the picnic.
Black guy: They have the best deal. Shirts are five dollars each, that’s like [counts kids, self, and wife] less than twenty bucks for all of us, and even the baby shit has a flag on it.

–Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn

Overheard by: lora

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