Shopping

Wednesday One-Liners Happen

Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Hip dude: I was like: "Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit."

–W 4th

Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit!

–53rd & 7th Ave

If the Wednesday Fits, One-Liner It

Young thug to friends: Stop, stop, stop! Stop, seriously, stop. C'mon, I'm not kidding! Seriously. I have shoe phobia!

–Metro-North Rail

Guy with shoe in hand, catching up to woman who lost it: Here you go, Cinderella!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: thorn

Manager of ladies' shoe store: It's easy to close. You put the hooker boots–all this hoochie stuff, with the hooker boots, you put the flats with the flats, you put the day shoes with the day shoes. Now, Narnia over there is another story…

–Macy's

Overheard by: Sarah R

Chick to guy: If you buy me Jimmy Choos, I'll have your baby.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Lets hope she'll have the baby anyway…

Four-year-old girl stepping out of taxi: Mommy, can we go online to buy shoes today?

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: …wow.

…on This Block?

Female tourist: Oh, look! American Apparel!
Friend: Is that the only one?

–5th & 19th

Overheard by: nate

Why Would He Buy a Bag from Himself?

Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Woman: No.
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.

–33rd & 6th

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Overheard Goes to the Midnight Premiere

Stormtrooper: Man, I can’t even move in this thing.

Star Wars geek #1: They said no dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: No lightsaber duels?
Star Wars geek #2: No, the’re no lightsaber dueling in the theater.
Star Wars geek #1: But they’re dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: Yeah, but he’s Yoda.

Lady: Look, I’ve been saving this seat since Attack of the Clones.

Dude: Cool lightsaber.
Dork: Thanks.
Dude: Where’d you get it? Geek.com?
Dork: No. Borders.

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street

Nerd: At this point, my expectations are so low, as long as Darth Vader’s in it and a lot of people get killed, I’ll be happy.

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Fanboy: That was great. Now all we need is the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to erase the first two.

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street

Overheard by: Jaybill McCarthy

Wednesdays Pray Their One-Liners Don't Go Condo

Middle-aged woman to others: Just because she's got her own apartment, she thinks she has it all together.

–Near NYU

Overheard by: Eric

20-something guy to another, about his apartment: All I want to do in my apartment is die.

–Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dodd Loomis

Woman on cell, walking briskly: There was blood all over the apartment…

–E 9th St b/w 1st & 2nd Ave

Cashier to male shopper: Dude, your apartment is rent-stabilized and you have food stamps? You are so rich!

–Whole Foods, Houston & Bowery

20-something trendy Jonas Brother-looking dude on cell: No, I sleep on the couch that's in the kitchen. (short pause) I'll tell you about my apartment later.

–9th Ave b/w 14th & 15th

Overheard by: Dash

No, That’s a Massager

Guy #1: Wow, there’s a lot of weird stuff down here.
Guy #2: Yeah… this must be the “beyond” part.

–Bed Bath & Beyond, Chelsea

This Is the Mother Ship

Girl to friend: How come this Saks store doesn't say “Saks Fifth Avenue” like the rest?
Friend: Dude, cause we're on Fifth Avenue!

–5th Ave

They Have It, But They Call It Schmeer

Girl #1: I can’t believe that CVS didn’t have paint! How about Bagel Art? That place should have paint.
Girl #2: That says Bagel Mart.
Girl #1: No, it doesn’t!
Girl #2: Move a little to your left.
Girl #1: Bagel…Mart. Oh. So then what does it have?

–Gigi’s Pizzeria, Whitestone

Overheard by: Liz

It’s Like Nazi, But for Women and Gays

Saleslady: Hi, miss, can I help you?
Woman: No, that’s okay, I have my daughter with me.
Saleslady: Are you sure you dont need any help?
Woman: Yes, I am sure. My daughter is quite the fashionada. She gives me the best opinions.
Saleslady, to another saleslady: What’s a fashionada? New Yorkers have their own language or something.

–Barney’s

Overheard by: ash sauer

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