Stoned college kid #1: I don’t want to spend all this fucking money on my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day.
Stoned college kid #2: Man, I found a way around that! I’m telling Maya I got a star named after her, but really I’m like… ‘Not.’ You get laid for free!
Stoned college kid #1: And what if she checks the stars, man?
Stoned college kid #2: Do you know how many stars there are, dude? There’s gotta be at least four Mayas…
–Domino’s
Overheard by: Madison
High chick: Now, I love ass, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not all I think about when I think about baseball. I mostly think about triangles.
Dude: Huh?
High chick: Baseball.
Dude: Triangles.
High chick: They’re both trapezoids.
Dude: What the fuck?
High chick: I don’t know. My point is, I hate girls.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Bruce
Stoner guy: And when I play improvisational tuba, man, it’s like my soul comes alive.
Stoner girl: Dude, that’s such a good idea.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Chelsea
Guy #1: Dude, are you rolling on E, man? High five!
Guy #2, slowly with eyes closed: High five my face.
–F train
Overheard by: Jane
Friendly male barista: Hi, what can I do you for?
Stoner #1: I’m not a fuckin’ queer, man.
Stoner #2: Yeah, man. And even if he was, he’d be mine!
–Starbucks
Overheard by: The girl in line behind this guy
Junkie: Dude, I just gave that guy in Starbucks 50 bucks, I think… by accident.
Prep friend: We didn’t even go into Starbucks.
Junkie: What? Did I just give you 50 bucks?
–Outside Starbucks
Overheard by: sam
Chick #1: Did you ever stop and think about trains? Like, they’re just like, so weird. They’re like… snakes.
Chick #2: Are you high?
–A train
Pope: So you said 300 percent return?
Bee: Definitely, man — 300 percent!
Pope: So I’ll have my people call your people.
Bee: Yeah, let’s have our people talk.
Pope: My people will totally be in touch with your people, man.
Bee: Okay, dude. Then let’s get high.
–Halloween party, Brooklyn
Stoner dude #1: Dude, I wonder why they call it ‘Starbucks…’ It’s not, like, in the shape of a star.
Stoner dude #2: I don’t know. Let’s leave and get stoned.
Stoner dude #1: I’m up for that.
–Starbucks
Headline by: nicole
Runners-Up:
· “And Don’t Get Me Started On the PuPu Platter” – Dank
· “As heard on the floor of the United States House of Representatives” – Syd O
· “Because ‘Queequeg’s’ Just Didn’t Have The Right Ring To It” – Toon
· “But I’m still waiting for my Mary Jane Macchiato” – Jim C.
· “English Majors in Action” – ed
· “Star-glazing” – timmm
· “Stephen Hawking and Stephen Jay Gould: The Early Years” – Russ Wall
· “That Ahab could have used a spliff” – Kevin
· “The coffee’s for my glaucoma, I swear.” – Dave
Girl #1: Having a boyfriend then just wouldn’t have fit into my schedule.
Girl #2: Which was: get up late, smoke pot, and go back to bed.
Girl #1: And watch Roswell!
—Pirates of the Caribbean 2 advance screening, the Zeigfield
Overheard by: Nick Draven
