Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Follow Their Bliss

Drunk girl: I remember the bouncing, I remember the moaning, I just can’t remember the name.

–Cooper 35, Astor Place

Overheard by: dan

Gay man: I went there to get spiritual, and I came back all ‘Boys, boys, boys.’

–5th Ave & 11th St

Chick on cell: This is one of those moments when polyamory would really come in handy, huh?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl talking to herself: I am not a ho — I took the lie detector test, and it told you I was not a ho so stop calling me that.

–1 train

Overheard by: will

Chick: She had, like, 20 brothers and sisters because her dad was Haitian and he just kept sleeping with people…

–Subway bar, 60th & Lex

Chick: This year I am going to try and not make out with both Samatha and her boyfriend.

–W 53rd between 9th and 10th Ave

Overheard by: Still Laughing

Aren’t Wednesday One-Liners Sweet?

Woman: Cake is obsolete.

–E 84th & 3rd

Overheard by: julia

Student giving Powerpoint presentation: Okay, so, um, this is a statue of the Prophet Haggai, and you can see in his hand he’s holding a scroll… Or maybe it’s a Cinnabon, I don’t know.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Lady on cell: It looked like a marshmallow with stick legs!

–Outside Brittany Hall

Girl on cell: We can get a cake and just… fill it with vodka.

–Lafayette Residence Hall, NYU

Overheard by: Emily

Man to woman: … Adult ice cream.

–23rd & 7th

Overheard by: maureen

Woman with hair bun: I’m not sure whether that makes me think of cake decorating or a veiny penis…

–Barcade, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle

One, Two, Three, Four, Get Your Wednesday-One-Liners on the Floor

Crackhead to French girls: This side of the station is for crackheads only. You are in violation of code 113, this area is reserved for crackheads only. So move now.

–110th St Train Station

Film man: Gimme five minutes and I’ll give you my left nut.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: S&J

Suit on cell: You hooked up with a 300-pound girl?

–14th & 3rd Ave

Mexican guy: You look like 50 Cent. But in Mexico, your name would be 50 Pesos.

–Caliente Cab Restaurant , 488 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Mon

Thug: My wife hit me up for fitty bucks, and then my girl hit me up for another fitty bucks, and now I’m all tapped out.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Juliet

Conductor: Come on people! You were born with two eyes. If you would just use them to see that there are three different doors to the train, you would know that you’re holding people up trying to go home! Use your eyes and head and go in another door that people aren’t trying to get out of…Use the head people…Use the head!

–1 Train

Overheard by: megan

Econ major: So is that quadrillion as in past trillion?

–Classroom, NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Know the Truth About Cats and Dogs

Latino guy: Can I have a baggy dog?

–Roosevelt Ave, Queens

Overheard by: petilipois

Professor: And here this writer will be reading from her first novel Doggy Style, which is probably about taking your dogs out and meeting other people in the city.

–Hunter College, creative writing classroom

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Woman: Excuse me, I have to put my hand up my dog’s ass.

–Columbus & 67th St

Girl: I can never visualize people’s faces. Like my mom. I know she has nice cheekbones, so I try and visualize her cheekbones. But then she just turns into this weird cat.

— Diner, 10th Ave

Woman: Cats are bitches! They think they’re better than you. I hate cats.

–89th St & Broadway

Overheard by: righteous queen

Man, singing to daughter in stroller: 11 puppies, 11 puppies, we’re searching for… 24 puppies!

–Sheridan Square

Overheard by: thaler

Teen girl: Your cat has gotten high before me!

–8th St & 4th Ave

Hipster girl: The kittens got on the stove and turned the gas on. I got home and it was like Fight Club but with kittens. I’ll probably give them away to the ASPCA or to suckers like you.

–L train

Overheard by: Philip

Wednesday One-liners Have to Get an Intervention

Woman: Oh! I got you some Xanax for your wedding day.

–14th & 9th

Guy: I don’t call myself an alcoholic any more. I find it really hard to separate out my shit like that.

–Washington Square South

Woman: I think I’m just going to stay in and have a heroin night.

–11th & University

Mortal Wednesday One-Liners

Loud old lady: I pray for death every day, because if you pray for death, you will never die.

–Metro-North train

Guy giving directions to friend: I think it’s near the corner where we saw that lady get killed.

–W 32nd St, near 6th Ave

Overheard by: Personally, I would avoid that corner.

Man on cell: No, you have to hide the body.

–33rd & Madison

Overheard by: alex

Man on cell: I don’t know! He just called me up and said that I owe him 50 grand and that he’s coming to kill me… Yeah, I told him I have no idea what he’s talking about, but he said he’s coming to kill me anyway.

–77th & Broadway

Man, about his time in halfway house: Murderers are just the nicest people, you know? I mean, they really understand human suffering.

–F train

Shabby guy on cell: Why should I be the only man that never died from a piece of ass?

–55th & Madison

Wednesday One-Liners Support the Repeal of the Estate Tax

Filthy rich lady: Darling, you must get a private jet. We just don’t fly commercial anymore.

–Armory Art Show, 66th & Park

Saleswoman: Well, you can’t really compare a 16-hundred-dollar haircut to a 15-dollar one.

–C.O. Bigelow, 9th & 6th

Overheard by: Joey Gillis

Yuppie teen in wheel: Dude, we should totally start hanging out with public school kids. Not the ghetto ones, but, like — you know, the cool ones.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Eri

Little brat: But Mo-ooom, seven hundred dollars is not that much for a pair of shoes!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Maddi

Old suit: You should really make at least a hundred grand a year to live in Manhattan. You know, la crème de la crème . And if you can’t deal with that you should move to Jersey City with the Indians and the Asians.

–Theatre lobby

Sorority girl: No, it’s not like that. It’s just, like, he’s from Greece… And there’s, like, not a lot of rich people there…

–13th & 1st

Overheard by: Heather

Old lady employee : Oh, I want to be adopted by a nice rich family!

–F.A.O. Schwartz

Overheard by: fao

Wednesday One-Liners Say Booty is Truth and Truth Booty

Teen boy: So when you said you loved her, did you say you loved her booty?

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Mom, to her kids: Your mama’s booty is gonna come in handy tonight!

–41st & 3rd

Overheard by: allison

Wednesday’s Too Sexy for Its One-Liners

Thug: Yo, baby! You so sexy! You look just like Ugly Betty!

–26th & Lex

Overheard by: Myrtle

Wandering popcorn vendor : Popcorn! Get your sexy popcorn here!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Mets Fan

Ghetto mom to young sons: Where my sexy glasses at?!

–W 96th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Megan W.

Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!

–Q11 bus, Queens

Jogger: I’m checking out my shadow to see how long my hair is in the back — it’s fuckin’ sexy!

–Central Park

Man: I love sexy cheese. I love sexy cheese!

–Outside Fordham University

Overheard by: …sexy cheese?

The Man Who Boned Grandma (NYC Short Stories)

Tourist grandpa: I’m going to sit here. Do you want a snack?
Tourist grandson: Sure.
Tourist grandpa: Here’s some money. Go over there and buy yourself something. And if you can find somebody nice, ask where we can get some cheesecake.

–Greeley Square

Overheard by: Nick Turner

Hasidic boy: Poppola, I heard a rumor that when a cow gets a cut from the milking machine, and blood gets in the milk…they have to turn it into chocolate milk, so people won’t know it’s there.
Hasidic grandpa: We should be so lucky!

–4 train

Overheard by: Raden Mutter

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