Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Hobo: Give Germany brain cancer! Fire laser beams into the back of the brain of Germany! Men, women, retarded children! Make Germany lose their memory!

–New York Public Library

Guido on cell: Write this down. It’s P, O, A with two dots on it, N, G. It’s a chair. Poang. Two dots. Two dots. Above. How the fuck should I know? It’s Swedish.

–IKEA, Elizabeth

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

JAP: OK, Brittney, so he got blown up in Israel. Everyone gets blown up in Israel!

–Harry’s Burritos, Thompson & 3rd

Queer: See, the problem is, you go to France and there are a ton of cute guys, but they’re all French. You go to Italy, cute guys everywhere, but they’re all Italian.

–47th & 9th

Overheard by: Jack Lienke

Guy on cell: If I made out with a Venezuelan, does that mean I’m on a government watch list?

–49th & 9th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Barista: Can you grab me a tall Ethiopian by the neck?

–Starbucks, Grand Central

Suit on cell: And I said, fuck, yeah, it was the best damn sushi I ever had! Who gives a fuck if we were in Alabama… those fuckers were still Japanese, you know?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Who doesn’t love the South?

Old woman drinking tea: It wasn’t butt sex — he just wanted the remote.

–440 Studios

Overheard by: Jaclyn

Guy on cell: Oh my god, you are so interesting. Someday our bodies will connect like God intended — in anal poundage.

–Soho

Overheard by: Shea

Woman on cell: So, wait — do we have to, like, hire someone to stand behind him and force it in?

–28th & 8th

Angry black lady to bartender: Excuse me! I asked for Sex on the Beach, and you gave me Butt-Fuck on the Pond!

–Gotham Bar & Grill

Hobo to cute chick: I like it in the tuckus!

–47th & 5th

Overheard by: Casey F.

Chick on cell: I’m just one of those people that needs to have lots of anal sex.

–Barnes and Noble, 17th St

Overheard by: didn’t need to know that

Queer to friend: And yeah, I have typhoid! So I guess I can’t sodomize anybody…

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: dude, you have typhoid?

Dude: I once saw Donald Sutherland get pushed up a flight of stairs by a ghost in a hotel in Toronto.

–Sheraton Hotel, 52nd & 7th

Overheard by: Matthew Rick

Queer: Vampires are sooo ’80s.

–7th & 2nd

Overheard by: Esther

Wheelbo: I don’t like to tell people this… But I’m a monster!

–72nd & Amsterdam

Bartender: If you touch the leprechaun, there is a fine.

–Brooklyn

Crazy guy on train: Those scheming connivers — they send Romans and zombies after you.

–V train

Overheard by: other end of the train

Man asking friend in earnest: … But where are you going to get that many werewolves?

–12th & 3rd

Overheard by: Marty

Hipster: All she needs is a vampire to keep her warm.

–30th & 3rd

Overheard by: buffy fan

Businesschick: I was standing next to this hot guy on the train this morning and all I could think about was how bad my scallions smelled.

–43rd & Broadway

Dude: Vegetables don’t have calories. That’s why Japanese people are so skinny.

–Autozone, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Norm

Woman: First of all, he was too tall for the carrot costume. And he was all twitchy…and sweaty. And his eyes were popping out.

–F train

Conductor: Last call for trash… Last call for trash… One last, desperate call for trash…

–Amtrak, Penn Station

Overheard by: wondering why he wanted trash so badly

Lady: I can say this without any rancor in my heart: She is a piece of human garbage.

–Houston & Hudson

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

JAP on cell: Ugh, I hate when they ask me to buy a Coach purse! I wouldn’t even buy it retail. Like, really, do I look like white trash?

–Canal St

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a reminder not to litter on the trains… ‘Cause if you litter, I’ll get all up in your grill like George Foreman. Thank you.

–R train, Whitehall station

Overheard by: creepy

Guy on cell: Guess what I did yesterday? I peed in a bottle… Wait, that’s not even the best part! Afterward, I threw it down the trash chute. What? Too much information?

–33rd St, between 3rd & Lex

Overheard by: Emily Duncanson

Hipster girl: You really need to hear his podcast about how technology is raping our souls.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: Jekke

Hipster on cell: So I just got my new iPod… Yeah, it’s awesome! All I need now is a job, and I’m totally set!

–Stillwater, E 4th & 2nd

Overheard by: Pedro Van

Dude: I think my iPod’s gay.

–23rd St F stop

Overheard by: Eliot

Chemistry teacher: I am not liking annoying sound. Today on subway there was man with pants, like, here [motions to mid-thigh] and loud, how you call?… iPod! I am thinking, ‘He is going to lose his pants!’ And he stand on crowded train and sing with iPod. He give us concert, and am I thinking, ‘Why he not dead yet?’

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Little boy, about man blaring music from cell: Geez, just get an iPod, dude!

–Crowded A train

Overheard by: Neal Mortimer

Student: I just always assumed everyone’s love of integrals.

–John Jay Hall, Columbia

Dude: I had her up against the wall and was all like, ‘Jimmy cracked corn,’ and shit. She was lovin’ it.

–A train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Ilyse

Man: I did scream, ‘I love you Lindsay Lohan!’ when I saw her at the costume thing, but that’s just ’cause everyone else was.

–20th & 5th

Man on cell: No, not that Jim. The Jim who loves acid and foie gras.

–Metropolitan & Union, Brooklyn

Overheard by: liza

Conductor: I know you’ve heard of the love boat. Well, this is the love train.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Mark Schilsky

Guy to girlfriend at table of friends: You just love my average-sized cock!

–3rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Chuckles

Wannabe hipster girl: There’s this band called ‘The Dandy Warhols.’ I, like, always confuse them with Andy Warhol.

–The Knitting Factory

Overheard by: jengray

Tween girl: Duran Duran was not a Duran or a Duran, so just cease and desist.

–Borders near Penn Station

Overheard by: Mobtown Boy

20-ish guy to friend: Man, the way he sang ‘Humpty Dumpty’ was just incredible. When he sings it you have no idea he’s singing about an egg.

–59th & Lex station

Late-20s chick in Blink 182 shirt, on cell: Well, that’s it, then. She obviously doesn’t espouse or believe in the aesthetic of Blink 182, so she’s out. We can’t be friends with her anymore.

–The Mercury Lounge

Prada-clad German professor: It is not chic to be dead, ja?

–NYU

Woman: Okay, I’ll see you later! Tell your wife I hope she finds the body!

–84th & 1st

Overheard by: Omar

WASP lady: Alan has been so much better since Maggie’s murder.

–Village-bound cab, 9th Ave

Overheard by: Tang

Woman: I don’t do death well.

–Chelsea

Dude: What does a ham sandwich have to do with the death of Christ?!

–Bleecker & Bowery

Women on cell: No, they only have male cadavers… Yeah, it is a bummer.

–Union St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Mitchell

NYU girl: It was amazing, and I also saw a dead guy on the street this morning. I saw Oprah and a dead guy all in one day!

–Starbucks, W 4th St

Guy pedalling rickshaw, on cell: No, I can’t get there. I have no bike right now. No, I’m on the train at the moment.

–34th & Broadway

Man on cell: No, I’m not outside!…I’m in the bank!…I’m in the bank…I’m telling you, I’m in the bank!

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Middle-Eastern dude on cell: Right now I am coming in a taxi cab from JFK Airport…Yes, well, I understand your concern, but you see, I am driving the taxi.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: math tinder