Wednesday One-Liners

Sweet, Sweet Wednesday One-Liners

Male driver, honking and screaming at pedestrians: They’re fucking muffins! You’re waiting in line for fucking 30 minutes for cupcakes! You are all children! Children!

–Line at Magnolia Bakery

Chick: When I say I’m not hungry what I mean is I just want to eat the icing off something.

–Washington Square

Little boy to another: Are you afraid of lollipops?

–8th St & University Pl

Overheard by: W. Liang

Teacher: The Frenchies were happy — we’ve saved their crepes! Ah, oui, oui! Our crepes! Hahaha!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Middle-aged man: It’s a three pound ball of opium dipped in chocolate.

–Farmer’s Market, Union Square

NYU girl: I mean, I eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream every night before I go to bed. It’s something you just get used to.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Amelia

Angry man on cell: Tell me where he is or no dessert!

–Spring & Mulberry St

Overheard by: 2 of the mulberry 3

These Wednesday One-Liners Are Hard

Teen girl: And then it was like Mister T was there in the corner stroking his two foot cock!

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Conductor: The next stop is my dick.

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Overheard by: Nicole

Girl: I’ve seen one penis, like, a thousand times.

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd

Lady: He’s got quite an impressive member. I was in a club when he unfurled it. I tripped on it. Never wearing those shoes again.

–Starbucks, Park Ave

Tourist mom to kids, pointing to Greek sculpture sans penis: Look at this one — he has testicles… but where’s his gizmo?

–The Met

Skinny queer, dancing: Man, dick is so hard to find here.

–The Cock, 2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: unfound dick

Wednesday One-Liners Off the Vine

Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there’s a million things you can do with a mothafuckin’ grape!

–23rd & 7th

Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: You’ll get FAT!

Suit: I’m totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It’s just taking the easy way out.

–Sotto Voce, Park Slope

Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy

Lady: I feel like I’m living in a banana.

–75th & Madison

Conductor: The E train to Queens — that’s E as in ‘apple’ — is running regularly.

–A train, 14th St

Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin’ ’em a banana looked like a dick!

–19th & 4th, Brooklyn

Ask Your Doctor about Wednesday One-Liners

Investment banker lady: He needs some hobbies besides painkillers.

–45th & Park

Overheard by: triSarahtops

Queer: Who needs a boyfriend when you have OxyContin?

–4th St & Ave C

Overheard by: Kenney Matthews

Excited chick on cell: Oh my god, and my mom said for my birthday she is gonna get me these pills!

–79th & Amsterdam

Middle-aged man: That is why I have been taking my father’s pills.

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: Coffeeshopgoth

NYU girl to another: If your dad didn’t want to go on anti-depressants before, he’s gonna want to now!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Sarah

Philosophy professor: So, let’s just say one time I was on… prescription medication.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Raquel

Wednesday One-Liners Cuff the Carrot

Girl: I have to announce when I’m scratching my mons, because I don’t want people to think I’m just standing on the street all sketchily masturbating in public.

–M86 bus

Freshman: You should just go into a different room, masturbate, and then come back!

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Dude: It’s so hot out! I mean, if it was cold I’d jerk off to warm up.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Maia

Man on cell: So, you faked six orgasms?! And you weren’t even masturbating?

–Outside Big Jimmy’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: (a very confused) bronxelf

Hipster on cell: Do you know how boring life would be if you didn’t have to think at all? If you just sat around all day jerking off? God, I showed you what that was like.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Different strokes

Pretty girl: Well, I’m probably prettier than any girl you’ve ever talked to in a club! [Other riders clap.] Have fun with your hand tonight!

–1 train

Overheard by: Bri

Wednesday One-Liners Realize It’s Nothing Like Sex and the City

British tourist, after Avenue Q: Well, that was different than Mary Poppins!

–Golden Theater, W 45th St

Overheard by: Knew Exactly What I Was Getting Into

Tourist: What day do they film Saturday Night Live?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Candy

Tourist chick pointing at Chrysler Building: Look, y’all — the Eiffel Tower!

–Top of Empire State Building

Tourist mom with three kids: Look! Applebees!

–Times Square

Gleeful tourist: I see Wendy’s!

–Bond & Broadway

Teen tourist: So, what is Long Island? Is it not a state? I don’t get it!

–LIRR

Overheard by: jangbang

Tourist teen spotting Che Guevara shirt at vendor: Oh my god! Isn’t that Tom Cruise in Top Gun?

–Canal St

Overheard by: the asian princess

Grey’s Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: We don’t know what’s in her head… or her throat.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: The Crazy Fairy Princess

Girl: Is that your thumb I’m feeling? Dude, that’s your thumb? What is that? Are you lying to me?

–South St Seaport

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

French woman: That’s not his butthole, it’s his mouth.

–Broom & Grand St

Overheard by: Kevin

Girl: Oh, so I just found out my nipples come up to my boyfriend’s bellybutton.

–9th & 3rd

Chick: Why’d you chop off both stomachs?

–69th and Amsterdam

Man on cell: Well, when you put your arm all the way in, is it slippery?

–Local 138, Ludlow St, between Rivington & Delancey

Overheard by: ashley

Hipster: When I was little and went to Sunday school my teacher told us we all have a little piece of God inside of us, and I thought, I hope I have his thumb.

–4th & Bowery

Wednesday One-Liners Fumble for Wordity

Suit on cell: And I was like, ‘Dude, you should come with us.’ I told her to, like, come and like, have fun with us. I didn’t want her to feel like she’s, like, disintellegent or something…

–LIRR

Overheard by: Call him stupid

Woman on cell: He told me it wasn’t good for the diges– uh… digesticle.

–49th & 11th

Overheard by: alxie

Man: I would like to send this regular post, and I need a confrontation number.

–Post Office, Bed-Stuy Brevoort

Girl: It means super-maker-outer.

–54th & 9th

Hobo: They call it genocide, people. Put that in your laputaters.

–Brookyln-bound R train

Overheard by: what?

PR exec about his new start-up: It’s not exactly rocket scientry. That’s why I can do it.

–Office building, Midtown

Ghetto chick: That dude got no education. I mean, look how he talk!

–1 train

Overheard by: Anna

Everybody Loves Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: Class, let’s get a show of hands — how many of you aren’t loved by your parents? C’mon, someone must be lying here.

–LaGuardia High

Overheard by: mf

Man: This yogurt’s great. My cat loves it — makes him poop like a reindeer.

–Grocery store, 45th & Ditmars

Overheard by: Bob Going

Professor: I love mass law breaking. We should break social contract and go on a class trip to a bar so that I can get my dumb ass fired.

–NYU Silver Center

Lady on cell: He only backs out because he loves you.

–34th & Broadway

Hobo to bag lady: I love ya. Of course I love ya. You want me to fuck ya? I’ll fuck ya right now.

–30th & 7th

Aussie babe watching crying model dressed as a man on Top Model: I love it when they’re upset and dressed up in funny costumes!

–Berry & N 1st, Williamsburg

Girl: I’m not mean! I love everyone. I don’t like everyone… It’s a Christian thing.

–Palladium dorm, NYU

The State of Wednesday One-Liners

Crackhead: What’s your favorite state? Mine is Seattle.

–95th & 2nd

Guy on cell: … Got fisted from another state.

–7th Ave, between 56th & 57th St

Tourist chick: I’m in Pennsylvania?! What the hell?!

–1 train, Penn Station

Bald dude on cell: Yeah, I’m in Vermont with Bill and Mary*! It’s beautiful! I know, it’s amazing — I’m getting service right on the lake.

–Burger King, Graham & Skillman

Port Authority officer: It’s not easy being a dual-state crime fighter like me.

–Exchange Place PATH station

Overheard by: Marisol

Dude: I went to only one strip club in New York. It was the one in Jersey.

–27th & 10th

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