Wednesday One-Liners

One Wednesday One-Liner to Live

Lady on cell: … And now I find out that I’m living a double life.

–Waverly & 6th

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Fake blonde: Just get it. You only live once a year.

–Food Emporium

Overheard by: jason

Conductor: Because of construction this train will be making express stops. The MTA reminds all passengers that to better serve our customers construction will be going on for the rest of your lives.

–F train, Jay St/Borough Hall

Overheard by: Robert

Man to teary-eyed daughter: What’s not important? A camel. What is important? Our lives.

–Starbucks, 42nd St

Overheard by: burnsides

Little Wednesday One-Liners Have Big Ears

Three-year-old girl on cell, walking with nanny: I will… I will, I will! Hey, don’t give me a hard time!

–54th & Lex

Little Dominican boy: … Because back in the day, people had names like Washington and York and Downtown.

–Social Studies class, PS 8, Brooklyn

Young child: Mommy, can you feel my forehead? I think I have AIDS.

–Prince St

Overheard by: Alaina

Small, weeping boy to mother pushing smaller kid in stroller: No! No! It’s not necessary! Every time I say you hurt my feelings, you say it right back to me! It’s not necessary!

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Shrieking four-year-old: French fries! [Angry mother glares straight ahead and keeps on walking, gripping child’s hand.] You know what’s wrong with you? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you. You don’t give me enough French fries!

–Waverly & 6th

Overheard by: Marisa

Little girl to mom: Shit is the same thing as sex, right?

–Garden of Eden, Brooklyn Heights

Wednesday One-Liners, Misrepresent!

Woman on cell: I’m in the subway station right now. Yeah, I’m in the subway. See you soon.

–Urban Outfitters dressing room, 14th & 6th

Scruffy guy yelling into cell: Listen, man! I told you, I can’t make it. I’m in the middle of traffic in Queens… Yeah! On the fucking BQE!

–Union St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Grant

Woman on phone: I gotta go — I’m at Weight Watchers.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Bayside

Overheard by: Sara Swank

Suit on cell: Yo, I’m in Weehawken right now.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: gilmoregirl77

Resident on phone: I am just parking the car now — I should be home in 10 minutes.

–NY Presbyterian, 9th floor

Guy on cell: I’m sick today, I’m not coming in… I just got out of bed. [Cabs honk.] Maybe I’ll get in later…

–Outside Penn Station

Guy on cell: Hi, honey, how are you? I’m just here studying at the library… [Getting flustered] No, when Alex says he’s at the library he’s at the bar. When I say I’m at the library, I’m at the library. You know I don’t lie to you.

–Outside bar patio, Four Faced Liar, W 4th

Barn-Cured Virginia Wednesday One-Liners

Lady: You did things to me while I was sleeping! The truth will come out! … Can I have a cigarette?

–74th & Ridge Blvd

Conductor: There is no smoking on this train! There is no smoking on this train or the platform! I repeat, there is no smoking on this train! If you continue to smoke, I will stop this train and the gendarmes will come and get you!

–Metro-North, Bronx

Dude on cell: Hold on one sec, I’m watching Jimmy try to smoke a cigarette right now and it’s like watching a Special Olympics hurdler.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: djw

Girl on cell: Try smoking it. You should try smoking it.

–26th & Broadway

Hobo peeking in train: Hold the doors for me, okay? I’m just going to have a smoke.

–C train

Stoner chick: What if we actually want to bake something? We’ll have smoked all our vanilla extract!

–Elderidge & Rivington

Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-Liners Are Always True to You in Their Fashion

Girl on cell: Well, how would Mom know what to do? Back in the old days a woman who slept with your husband never baked you a pie!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: at a loss

Guy: Man, I’ve been married two days and I want to cheat!

–W 4th St station

Overheard by: noseinabook

Chick on cell: Oh my god, now they’re fighting… Yes! She’s screaming at him in the middle of street! No, she has no idea we got back together… I don’t know, but it’s really creepy — it’s like she knew we’d be here this morning — she walked in like two minutes after we did… Oh my god, she’s coming in! Quick, get down here and make out with me so she thinks I’m a lesbian!

–Starbucks, Union Square

Overheard by: That works…

Guy at table: … And I’ve got my finger in another guy’s wife’s pussy, basically…

–Outside Starbucks, Cooper Union

Overheard by: Paul

Woman on cell: I apologize in advance, but you know I love you. And if you weren’t married, I’d be in love with you.

–35th & Lenox, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rei

Middle-aged lady on cell: Okay, honey, bye-bye. I still love you even though you have a wife and kid.

–JetBlue flight, JFK runway

Yo, It’s Wednesday One-Liners, You Know What I’m Sayin’?

Beefy Italian guy on cell: He’s got an equal opportunity to go fuck himself!

–3rd St & Ave A

Overheard by: Liz A.

Italian chick: My brother got so many velours — he got more velours than the stores!

–Staten Island Ferry

Cranky Italian: No, no, no! That’s my problem with this city! They never give you a full glass of wine!

–Midtown

Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence — you define it!

–Spring & Mott

Overheard by: Douglas A. Cheesman II

Italian hardhat: Yo, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I found a girl with a little class, a little self-respect, that she’s not banging me two days after she knows me. I’m sorry if that upsets you.

–75th & Madison

Overheard by: Anne

Italian mobster, after turning down wrong aisle: Oh, sugar!

–Duane Reade, Fulton St

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses

Hipster girl to hipster guy: … And it’s like, he cums on me and it’s like it doesn’t even mean anything!

–L train platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Ht-hrw

Hipster: You know, ‘bedbugs’ is just a classy name for crabs.

–7th & Ave A

Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.

–14th St & Union Square South

Overheard by: Almost Tourist

Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.

–Outside The Slaughtered Lamb

Overheard by: bonzo

Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I’d had an abortion.

–120th & Amsterdam

Hipster: Well, I can’t help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!

–Montrose stop

Overheard by: big baby

Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There’s just something about her that really turns guys on, and it’s not just because she’s blind.

–Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master’s in Evacuation

Lady: Okay, it’s been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee.

–The Factory, Christopher St

Man: Shit! Why isn’t this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can’t just take a piss right here, ’cause I need to be all proper and shit.

–1 train

Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: … And then I got peed on. I got peed on — on my face! I wanna get peed on again.

–Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave

Overheard by: WTF Mate

Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high?

–9th & 7th

Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That’s what I told her — he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs.

–B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn

Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls!

–Chambers St station

Overheard by: Cat

Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City!

–Restroom, Virgin Megastore

Overheard by: it was mine too.

With Age Comes Wednesday One-Liners

Old lady looking at Underworld: Man, that Kate Beckinsale is really hot. I would so do her.

–Public Library

Overheard by: Robyn

Old lady: No, man, I ain’t doin’ no E! I ain’t done no E in years!

–86th & Lex

Old lady with cane grumbling to self about jaywalker: Did you see that? He almost got hit by that cab. Too bad — he deserved to die!

–Outside Sarge’s, 36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Goofa Sutra Yogini

Old man: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways… Pie.

–Brighton Beach

Old black lady on pay phone: ‘Do me up the butt’? No, no, honey. That is not the proper way to address a girl.

–96th & Broadway

Overheard by: davees

Old man: What we need in America is more nappy-headed black women on television. That’s what we need to fight for.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Holly Kaye

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It

Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!

–Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History

Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell.

–Museum of Natural History gift shop

Overheard by: rufus

Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that?

–Museum of Natural History

Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dottie

Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.

–Museum of Natural History

Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you!

–Museum of Natural History

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