Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Long to Be Thought of As “Sexy”

Girl watching Oscars: Oh my god, I love Scorsese! He’s so cute. I just want to have him in my pocket.

–10th & 5th

Seven-year-old girl on cell: Oh my gosh, Carrie! In Macy’s my mom just bought me the cutest Coach bag and matching scarf!

–34th St

Overheard by: georgia

Teen girl: Dude, whatever… Some bums are really cute!

–10th & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: oliver

Latino goth muscle-man to girl: I know, but, like, spiritually? Emotionally? I have the cutest, pinkest little vagina [makes triangle formation with fingers over crotch]… And it’s tight.

–F train

Overheard by: meg

Dean of Students’ Services to third year student: You’d make a cute pregnant woman.

–Columbia Law School

Girl: I think having a cunt is cute!

–15th & 6th

Overheard by: Oh my

Wednesday One-Liners Are Like Gay Church

20-ish guy to pal: I didn’t go to the gym today, and I feel so liberated!

–W 25th & 10th

Overheard by: Gerry Visco

Stylish guy on cell: Well, yeah, I’m completely insane, but I’m in great, great, great shape!

–Christopher & 7th

Overheard by: robadob

Russian thug: Man, I don’t know how I’m going to have enough energy for the gym and sex tonight!

–Subway, near Brighton Beach

Overheard by: lk!

Guido pointing to his wifebeater: These things only last you so long. First time, you know, you wear it to the club, it’s still tight and shit. Second time you wear it around the house. Third time, that’s when you wear it to the gym. Then you throw it out! Wear a new one back to the club!

–NYC gym

Personal trainer lady: I was up in Greenwich training Mary Tyler Moore… Yeah, she’s old, but rockin’ bod.

–Metro-North train, 125th St

Overheard by: DrJones

Smoker guy: We should train for the marathon!

–50th & 6th

A Spew of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to girlfriend: I just threw up Captain Crunch for you! I just tossed some Rice Krispies!

–BED club

Overheard by: Vikas

Suit on cell: No, I didn’t say you vomited on your shoes, I said who vomited on your shoes!

–14th & 6th

JAP: Honestly, if I have to hear about one more candlelight vigil for Darfur I might throw up.

–8th & University

Girl to guy: Oh my god, I could totally throw up on you right now.

–Baruch College, 25th & Lex

Angry mom holding small plastic bag under small boy’s mouth: Vomit! Vomit! Vomit! Vomit!

–W 57trh St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Brushoff

Lady on cell: I’m not high maintenance — I just brush my teeth!

–F train

Overheard by: AmityAmity

Big guy on cell: My son swore to us when he was 15 that he would name his first child Toofbrush. He’s 21 now and I remind him of that every day… Who the hell knows? Every time I searched his room I found enough pot to cure the whole world’s glaucoma.

–JetBlue flight 11

Overheard by: Big Larry

Woman on cell: So, wait… The plastic surgeon had his teeth removed?

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: Grace

Girl on cell: I think I forgot my toothpaste at home. Can you mail it to me tomorrow?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Meg

Woman: In 25 minutes you can bake 24 cupcakes. In that time you can take a shit or brush your teeth.

–Apartment 138, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Hmmm… do I still want those cupcakes?

Junkie to stoned girlfriend: Yo, you lucky I know somethin’ ’bout teeth or else you woulda ain’t had no teeth left. I woulda put a shot in yo’ mouth, I woulda took out all yo’ teeth, and put a box in yo’ mouth.

–1 train

Overheard by: Lauren Marks

All Wednesday One-Liners and No Action

Dude to woman: You can’t talk about the second dimension, but you can talk about sewing?!

–12th & 4th

Overheard by: Joy

Asian woman to boyfriend: I am not going to talk about having a threesome with you and your clone on the train!

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: Ann

Chick on cell: … Talking about the apocalypse, but they were really laid back people.

–Barnard College

Lady: I can’t even talk to you for seven minutes, and you’re about to be my husband!

–Union Square

Woman on cell: I know you’re full of muscle relaxants and want to chat, but I can’t talk right now. Just take a picture of it and email it to me.

–57th & 6th

Overheard by: Withnail

Girl: Oh! Funny story — I was talking to my therapist about suicide yesterday…

–13th & 6th

Overheard by: gigglesnort

Wednesday One-Liners, Now in Wide and Narrow Sizes

Woman: I do better in a wig than I do in flat shoes.

–125th St station

Chick: So, last night I ended up drinking a lot. I woke up this morning with bowling shoes on. My regular shoes were gone…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Sully

Little boy: Mommy, those boots are a fashion no-no.

–N train

Eight-year-old boy: I like his shoes. Someone get me a knife!

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Bimbette: It’s like stripping is, like, the new Ugg boot.

–14th & 1st

Overheard by: Laura Hughes

10-year-old boy: Let’s get some shoes. Oh my god, shoes!

–Midtown

Woman to man: If you’re hot enough to wear shorts, you’re not cool enough to wear boots. It’s a double standard.

–Broadway, near Wall St

Overheard by: Just right, apparently

Wednesday One-Liners Always Win the Limbo Contest

Girl to small friend: We’ll just call you ‘It.’

–Mercer & Prince

Overheard by: NYU Frosh Hater

Guy handing out Sovereign Bank bags: Free bags! Get your free shopping bag! This is the strongest bag you will ever see. It is so strong, it will hold… a small midget!

–5th Ave

Short girl: Whenever I go to these bars, I feel like everybody’s midget cousin.

–Bar, 53rd & 2nd

Midget to another: … And I told them I would work for them again but they couldn’t throw me around anymore.

–Bar, UES

Man: If he is out there exploiting himself he’s a midget, but if he gets up in the morning and puts on a suit and goes to work I’ll call him a little person.

–DeKalb & Kent Ave

Short, chubby woman on cell: I am not an Oompah loompa!

–Broadway & Houston

Overheard by: Rachel P

One Wednesday One-Liner to Live

Lady on cell: … And now I find out that I’m living a double life.

–Waverly & 6th

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Fake blonde: Just get it. You only live once a year.

–Food Emporium

Overheard by: jason

Conductor: Because of construction this train will be making express stops. The MTA reminds all passengers that to better serve our customers construction will be going on for the rest of your lives.

–F train, Jay St/Borough Hall

Overheard by: Robert

Man to teary-eyed daughter: What’s not important? A camel. What is important? Our lives.

–Starbucks, 42nd St

Overheard by: burnsides

Little Wednesday One-Liners Have Big Ears

Three-year-old girl on cell, walking with nanny: I will… I will, I will! Hey, don’t give me a hard time!

–54th & Lex

Little Dominican boy: … Because back in the day, people had names like Washington and York and Downtown.

–Social Studies class, PS 8, Brooklyn

Young child: Mommy, can you feel my forehead? I think I have AIDS.

–Prince St

Overheard by: Alaina

Small, weeping boy to mother pushing smaller kid in stroller: No! No! It’s not necessary! Every time I say you hurt my feelings, you say it right back to me! It’s not necessary!

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Shrieking four-year-old: French fries! [Angry mother glares straight ahead and keeps on walking, gripping child’s hand.] You know what’s wrong with you? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you. You don’t give me enough French fries!

–Waverly & 6th

Overheard by: Marisa

Little girl to mom: Shit is the same thing as sex, right?

–Garden of Eden, Brooklyn Heights

Wednesday One-Liners, Misrepresent!

Woman on cell: I’m in the subway station right now. Yeah, I’m in the subway. See you soon.

–Urban Outfitters dressing room, 14th & 6th

Scruffy guy yelling into cell: Listen, man! I told you, I can’t make it. I’m in the middle of traffic in Queens… Yeah! On the fucking BQE!

–Union St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Grant

Woman on phone: I gotta go — I’m at Weight Watchers.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Bayside

Overheard by: Sara Swank

Suit on cell: Yo, I’m in Weehawken right now.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: gilmoregirl77

Resident on phone: I am just parking the car now — I should be home in 10 minutes.

–NY Presbyterian, 9th floor

Guy on cell: I’m sick today, I’m not coming in… I just got out of bed. [Cabs honk.] Maybe I’ll get in later…

–Outside Penn Station

Guy on cell: Hi, honey, how are you? I’m just here studying at the library… [Getting flustered] No, when Alex says he’s at the library he’s at the bar. When I say I’m at the library, I’m at the library. You know I don’t lie to you.

–Outside bar patio, Four Faced Liar, W 4th

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