Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Believe

Guy: The nun at work keeps hitting on me!

–Havana Central, 113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Arogpelter

Panhandler: Donations? Give to the church of malt liquor!

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd St

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Student running through hall: I need my Bible!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: lol

Woman on cell: Hi, sweetie. I just wanted to call you back, real quick ’cause I’m on my cell, and tell you something else God wanted me to tell you.

–GWB Port Authority

30-ish guido seeing girl with ashes on foreheard: You know, I’ve noticed that the church is making better ashes.

–102nd & Broadway

Overheard by: what does that even mean?!

Manager: Ben! Quit it with the stigmata! We’ve talked about this!

–Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Teen boy: We should pray to Josh’s parents so they give us a plasma screen TV.

–A train

Overheard by: Paula

Wednesday One-Liners Talk with Their Mouths Full

Angry lady to boyfriend: They don’t pay my fucking rent! They don’t eat my fucking pussy!

–E 9th & 5th

Man on cell: It comes down to about seven dollars a blowjob.

–59th & 5th

Wheelbo, politely: Excuse me, does the bus stop here? [Ignored, so addresses next passerby politely] Pardon me, ma’am? Are you looking for a dick to suck?

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: No, I am not.

SVA photography teacher: You’d have a better time giving head to King Kong than using this method.

–SVA, 21st & 3rd

Overheard by: student

Kid on cell: … So I said, ‘You can suck my dick for some of your spaghetti.’

–Outside hardware store, 102nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Josh

Dude: If I could’ve gone down on a donkey I would have done it.

–W New York hotel, Union Square

17-year-old girl on cell: So, this girl was eating me out, right? [Pause] Oh, sorry, I have the wrong number.

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Wednesday One-Liners Have Healthy Immune Systems

Irate lady with luggage: This is a filthy town! Horrible!

–Penn Station

Guy on cell: You opened a cadaver today? Oh, shit, man — congrats! That’s so cool… I changed a nasty dirty diaper today.

–26th & 8th

Mother to sobbing young son: Honey, you can’t pet a stranger’s mink. You just can’t. Especially with dirty hands — that’s why she was mad at you.

–M3 bus, 45th & 5th

Blonde on cell, wearing mink coat: I have a couture mink coat, and I will not have those low-lifes getting their crappy filth all over it!

–Starbucks, Citigroup Center

Woman hurrying small boy along: Yes, that wall is filthy, don’t touch it. Everything you can see in this city is dirty.

–W 67th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Asian man: Look, if you’re gonna stab me at least use the clean knife.

–Applebee’s, 42nd St

Overheard by: explosivo

Woman on elliptical to woman on stationary bike: Justin made me take the subway today. I didn’t like it. I felt dirty.

–Equinox, Soho

Overheard by: jdm

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer “Bindlestiff”

Performing hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, while I do tell jokes, I just want to say that I keep it clean for the family. I don’t like to curse or use foul language at any time. So to those that give money, I thank you, and to those that don’t, go fuck yourself and get the fuck outta my house!

–3 train

Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag

Hobo, just after nine a.m. on a weekday: You’re late! All of you are late to work! All of you… Late, late, late!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: jairoski

Hobo shaking cup of coins: Hi, I’m starting a presidential campaign and any contribution would help!

–E Houston, near Mott St

Overheard by: Sannie

Hobo: Good afternoon. Can anyone help me out by sparing some change? [To processed and painted old lady passerby] Girl, you look just like Alexis from Dynasty!

–Spring & Mott

Overheard by: liza

Hobo: I’ll be offended if you call me a crackhead. I’m not a crackead, I’m a rock star. Now, does anyone have 20 dollars for me so I can buy some crack?

–2 train, Bronx

Hyperactive kid is jumping around on benches and talking non-stop.

Hobo to babysitter: Too many pills. That girl is on too many pills!

–81st & 5th

Overheard by: i agree

Hobo holding banana like a gun: Gimme all yo’ money, I’m the banana bandit! [People shuffle by, averting eyes, and hobo gets sad] Nobody listens to the banana bandit…

–Fulton St & Grand Ave

Wag the Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on cell: So, the doctor tells me to get on the table. He could’ve told me to get on the table and be a dog and I would’ve hopped on there and went, ‘Bow-wow, motherfuck.’

–6 train

Overheard by: SilentButDeadly

Young girl to mother: Do you think I’m a dog? I’ll tell you if I am.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: vm

30-ish woman: Tom’s* ass, to me, is like a steak to a sleeping dog… Rrruff!

–34th & 5th

Overheard by: hungry dog

Big black man: My friend is looking for people to sell cocaine for him. He figured out this great way to get around the dogs — they’re scared of bigger animals, so he puts all his drugs in bull shit.

–Bus, Broadway

Overheard by: lora

Dude: Are those things dogs or are those things people?

–Union Square

Overheard by: The Baron

Checkout chick: So, that’s my dilemma — do I spend my tax refund on a chihuahua or a Master’s degree?

–Warehouse Wines, 770 Broadway

Overheard by: Jamie

Big, Natural Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: It’s like, ‘Hey, you’re a nice guy and I’ve got boobs… So let’s do something about this.’

–33rd & 7th

Dude: You would want to blow up the world, too, if your mother gave you a wolf titty to suck on.

–1 train

Metrosexual: I like boobs better than titties.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Argopelter

B&T teen: I don’t know what you want me to do about my chest. I’m 17 years old! You want me to get implants? Would that make you happy, Mom?

–Dressing room, Macy’s, Herald Square

Woman on phone in cubicle: I borrowed that money to pay for my boob job. If they want to repossess them, they know where to find them.

–Office, Woolworth Building

Overheard by: Big Larry

Student: Why can’t I grab your boob in a totally care-free way?

–Lang cafeteria

Wednesday One-Liners Want the Drumstick

Little boy: The pigeon knows no fear.

–Central Park

Outraged 20-something to friend: He’s the one who told me to put the duck in the eulogy!

–Columbus Circle

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s so hot outside I could cook a turkey between my legs!

–Outside Fordham University

Overheard by: Sharon

Extremely flamboyant black guy: I threw my corn, but I ain’t throw no chicken! Okay?

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: waste not, want not

Little girl: Mommy, I just saw two pigeons dancing together!

–M66 bus

Guy: Is that a baby or a chicken?!

–Guggenheim Museum

Overheard by: emily

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Drink and Download Music

First year law student on phone with mom: All I do anymore is study and have sex!

–Fordham University

Frat boy: … But the thing that really almost got me kicked out of college was when we installed the zip line…

–14th & University

Overheard by: rachel

Bimbette: I feel, like, if you can read and write, you’re set for life.

–1 train

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

NYU ditz: Oh, I know, I love philosophy classes. You can just feel your mind turning in new ways, grasping at straws.

–Veselka

Overheard by: Bean

Blonde on cell: Well, duh, Dad. Obviously I wouldn’t take an archeology class if I wasn’t interested in what it’s like to be an architect… Yeah, an archeologist — that’s exactly what I said.

–Lincoln Center

Girl to lab instructor: Should I start thinking now?

–Barnard College

Wednesday One-Liners, Some Purple Stuff, Sunny D…

Queer on cell: Fiji water is so last year.

–Christopher St

Mad chick to man: And, you know, no, no! I am not going to IM you every time I’m drinking sangria!

–Nolita House, E Houston

Overheard by: amalthya

Girl: Oh my god! They have this iced tea here that’s, like, hot.

–Cosi’s, 13th & Broadway

Conductor: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the 3:50 a.m. whiskey whistle! Were they giving away booze in New York tonight?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: I wasn’t Drunk Though

Man: So, the officer said to me, ‘Ah, the old beer in a tube sock…’

–Judson Memorial Church, Washington Sq South

Overheard by: mrbojangles

NYU girl: Fruit punch is like fruit juice on ecstasy!

–Midtown

Overheard by: Ryan Hague

Mom to two-year-old: We’re going home now, and Mommy’s going to make a big, fat cocktail.

–Citibabes, Soho

Overheard by: wish i had a big fat cocktail

Female: I’m so thirsty I could almost drink water!

–Across from former Forward building

Overheard by: Avalanche

Wednesday One-Liners Report to Hindquarters

Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo’ dick right now.

–Dense crowd, 4th & 6th

Overheard by: jealous?

Guy to friends: I’m not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.

–26th & 8th

Large black man: I’m grabbin’ booties, so all y’all better move outta my way!

–37th & 7th

Overheard by: daniel

Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an’ call me Mary Poppins…

–85th & 2nd

Overheard by: Mitorizu

Dude: My ass likes to eat things.

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hew, the bird

Suit: Now there’s an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!

–Time Square

Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don’t show your butts to men — cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.

–6 train

Overheard by: Zavreio

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