Wednesday One-Liners

Post-Painterly Wednesday One-Liners

Student: I didn’t describe the sculpture, I just said that the combination of her and Weird Al inspired me.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Haley

Woman: I’m not really into the whole modern art thing — I just don’t like it.

–MoMA

Confused foreign professor: Monet and Picasso are famous painters. George Bush is not.

–NYU

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Man to woman after they make out: The problem is, if you’re an artist today and you take a picture of a guy jumping off a bridge in Paris, no one’s going to care.

–Armory Art Fair

JAP: So, are these the real Monets?

–The Met

Overheard by: Charlie Nicholson

Wednesday One-Liners for C. Montgomery Burns

Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever — all he cared about was money.

–Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison

20-something exasperated chick on cell: It’s a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It’s a little something called my rent!

–W 10th & Waverly

Overheard by: I call it that too

Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?

–54th & 10th

Overheard by: Allisa

Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don’t pick up stuff off the street… unless it’s money.

–14th & 2nd

Suit: … And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.

–Chambers & West Side Hwy

Overheard by: Mike McG

Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty — you get what you pay for.

–PATH train, stuck under the Hudson

VP: I certainly don’t want you to think it’s all about money, because it’s not — it’s mostly about money.

–Office, Park Ave South

Wednesday One-Liners Join the UFC

Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I’ll give you a bitch slap.

–NYU

Family man: We watched two guys fight to the death over a parking space, and then we went to the Ice Capades.

–Central Park, W 72nd

Overheard by: Rachel

Conductor: There will be no fighting on my train! Y’all gonna make me miss my lunch!

–N train

Overheard by: Shawnito

Hobo to entire platform: You’ve seen cripple fights. You’ve seen hobo boxing. Now prepare yourselves for rich white assholes pushing to get on the train. [Train pulls in.] Briefcases may be used as shields. Good luck, folks.

–4/5 platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Orson

Father holding daughter’s hand: You can’t just kick people when you don’t get what you want, Victoria.

–Mott & Canal St

Overheard by: Marie

Teacher: See that guy in the mural? See how many muscles he has? If he wanted to, he could kick your ass. Look at Galileo. Even Galileo could kick your ass!

–Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Liz

Six-year-old: If you go to my school, you get yo’ ass jumped.

–107th & Manhattan

Overheard by: Emily B.

Outlaw Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to tourist taking picture: Yeah, bitch, I’m in your picture! I’m in your picture! Put it on MySpace, bitch!

–W 34th & 7th

Overheard by: nisey79

Thug to friend: Nigga, it’s hard to explain… It looked… like a decorated cosine curve!

–110th & Lenox

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Thugette to thug boyfriend: This ain’t Valentine’s Day. You slap me I’ll slap you back!

–Bronx-bound D train

Overheard by: Krissss

Thug to his baby, after carrying her stroller down the subway steps: Woo-hah, I got you all in check.

–6 train station, 59th St

Overheard by: Jackie

Thug: Shit. Jimmy Hoffa’s lucky he don’t gotta pay taxes.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: In debt on the F train

Thug: That thang was so big you could put a whole paragraph on it!

–6 train

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Them All in the Air

Kid: … And his balls were hanging out of his skirt!

–Stuyvesant High School

Drunk chick: Can I pleeease kick you in the balls? It’s my birthday!

–Ave A

Bimbette: So, balls are always — and, like, totally not in a sexual way — but balls are always hitting me in the face.

–Line at Upright Citizens Brigade

Street vendor to another: So, what if you were wearing shorts and you had one ball hangin’ out?

–W 49th & Broadway

Hot chick to another: So, I had him by the balls…

–Washington Square Park

Girl: No, no, don’t scratch your balls! [Screams.]

–8 train

Overheard by: Alex

Actor: I look down and there’s this blue spot on my balls. It looked like I fucked a smurf.

–Backstage, Strawberry One-Act Festival

Overheard by: I hate it when that happens

A Burnt Offering of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: I don’t remember why he put the phone in the oven… I think it was to prove a point. And my mom didn’t know, so she turned the oven on and then the phone caught on fire.

–NYU trolley

Panhandler: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not trying to get drugs. I’m not trying to buy alcohol. I’m just trying to survive. It’s a hard life out there trying to sleep, and people always trying to set you on fire.

–F train

Guy with Jamaican accent: Women be causin’ the men to be committin’ adultery. Women be causin’ the men to be lustin’ after the butt. Women need to put their butt back into their pants. Women, you need to cover your butt, or it will be covered in fire.

–4 train

Overheard by: The Cannon

NYU politics professor: … So if you want to stay warm out there, you’re free to burn the flag.

–Silver Center, NYU

Guy sprinting to JAP on cell: Ma’am! You’re on fire! [Guy grabs her Vera Bradley purse, on fire from her cigarette, and throws it savagely to the ground.] I’m sorry, but I had to do that. [JAP stares blankly at him and continues cell conversation.]

–Bobst Library, NYU

Overheard by: J-Steve

Uptown Wednesday One-Liners

Man: Well, at least if you get deported you’d get to go somewhere exotic. If I get deported I go back to the Bronx…

–Barnard College

Conductor, as rap music blares through speakers: Yo, this is a shout-out to all my niggas keepin’ it real on the 1 train. Takin’ the 1 to the Bronx at four a.m. — that’s gangsta, son!

–Bronx -bound 1 train

Female employee: I’m so annoyed… so annoyed. This morning there was a dead body near the Bronx train station. It made me late for work. The train was sooo crowded. I hate that! I hate when we are all packed in the train like sardines!

–Fox News Channel newsroom

Chick: He’s either retarded… or from the Bronx.

–Hell’s Kitchen

Overheard by: mokee

Wednesday One-Liners Call Their Bookies

Man on cell: Okay, so do we want to make a girl or a boy tonight? ‘Cause if we want to make a boy I have to go get my football gear out of my mom’s attic. Do I actually have to hold the football the whole time or just for a little bit?

–34th & 2nd

Dude: You know what? I’m just going to drop out of college and play baseball, ’cause I’ve always wanted to play for the NBA!

–SJU baseball field

Overheard by: rach boogie

Hipster: If baseball was a person, you would be racist.

–L train

Overheard by: Aidan

Man: I have reffed more basketball games this season than you have underpants.

–55th & 7th

Overheard by: Caroline

Conductor: This is Willets Point-Shea Stadium… Home of, y’know, that other team.

–Flushing-bound 7 train

Young child at end of show: Is it halftime yet?

–Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: amused tourist

Wednesday One-Liners Love New York. Maybe.

Guy to buddy: It’s just like New York, except it’s clean and quiet… and people are nice.

–51st & Broadway

Tourist girl: You guys, we’re finally here! New York! Sleepless in… Oh my god, I’m such a moron!

–Incoming Air Canada flight, JFK airport

Overheard by: la petite touriste

Hobo to passerby wearing ‘I love NY’ shirt: Try living here for a few months, see how much you fucking love it.

–Chinatown

Pedicab driver to intrigued tourists: It is the most exciting thing you will do in New York City.

–58th & 5th

Overheard by: Stevo

Woman: Sure, in New York something gets blown up every now and then. But at least we don’t have to worry about falling off into the ocean.

–Filene’s Basement

Overheard by: amused tourist

High-strung mom to nanny: Just leave him here and go check. He’s not going to get kidnapped. No one in New York wants kids, anyway.

–C train

Subway preacher: All of you are going to hell because of New York!

–Grand Central

Wednesday One-Liners Join a Book Club

TA: Has anyone ever read Madame Bovary? [Class remains silent.] What the fuck do they have you guys reading these days?! I’m leaving.

–Sociology class, NYU

Expert conversationalist: I’m just going to sit here and read. You can talk to me while I’m reading if you want.

–Cafe Henri, West Village

Girl: The stupid freshmen are so irresponsible with their readings that the teacher has to give us a quiz on the readings every week! So now I actually have to have this all read before class.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Maija

Redhead on cell: I spoke to Mom today. She is writing a book! The Jewish Girl’s Guide to Riker’s Island.

–53rd & 3rd

Overheard by: Bruni

20-ish girl on cell: I don’t like this Barnes and Noble! All they have are books!

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Muffin

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