Wednesday H. One-Liners!

Tourist fighting crowd and accosted by preacher with flyers: ‘Cause it’s not crowed enough without Jesus on the sidewalk?!

–Times Square, 45th & 7th

Hoochie: It is hard to think about Jesus with a dick in your mouth.

–O’Connor’s Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Was just watching the game until I heard that

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, today I’d like to talk to you about our Lord. Now, let’s be honest, you all look beaten, you look broken, you need the light of the Almighty. Well, for just five cents a day I can bring Jesus into your life. Just five cents in my cup and you can have our savior for the rest of the day. Don’t be shy — you can all have Jesus for the entire month if you want.

–Crowded S train leaving Grand Central

Four-year-old boy waving at Evan Almighty poster: Hi, Jesus!

–63rd Dr, Rego Park station

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus Christ is driving this train.

–F train

Middle schooler: When I die I’m gonna go to heaven and ask Jesus if Santa Claus is real, and then I’m gonna laugh in your face!

–Fort Tyron Park

Overheard by: E.F. Schubert

Posted on August 8, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Jesus, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Mother Goose’s Wednesday One-Liners

Small girl’s voice from inside tube: Repeat, I have the prisoner, over.

–McDonald’s playland, 69th & Metro, Queens

Little girl: Mommy, there are no good stones in this city anymore.

–79th & 5th

Little girl, proudly: Mommy, I found this on the floor of the supermarket, so I put it in my mouth.

–Waldbaum’s Supermarket, Sheepshead Bay

Little girl swinging around a receipt: I don’t have to pay taxes! Taaax-esss.

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wishing I didnt have to either

Posted on August 8, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Kids, Leisure, Wednesday One-Liners

There’s a Thin Line between Love and Wednesday One-Liners

Wailing little kid in leggings: I hate my life! I hate my life!

–N 4th & Bedford, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Alison

Small chick to big guy: What? Hold it. Stop — you just told me that you hate all of my favorite fruits…

–Orchard & Delancey, LES

Dude to chick: The only reason I like you is because you don’t hate me when I fart in your face.

–Hudson & Perry

Hobo: People hate each other… so they get married.

–Platform, 53rd & 5th

Overheard by: Nick

Suit: Ah, young people in love… I hate you all.

–Carl Schultz Park

Posted on August 8, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Gripes, Love, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners — So Meaty!

MTA lady to another: I thought he had an earring in his tongue, but it was a meatball! It was like a little extra piece of meat on his tongue!

–3 train station

Chick: Gosh, they keep the kosher kitchen security so tight. What would they do if I just ran in there and touched everything with pork?

–Hewitt dining hall, Barnard College

Overheard by: laughed inside

Bimbette: Yeah, she’s a vegetarian now. No turkey, no meat — nothing. But I don’t know what she’s gonna do at Thanksgiving, because my aunt makes the best eggplant. Wait — is eggplant meat?

–A train

Overheard by: nas

Dude: This girl I know is vegan. She was ordering soup and asked if it had meat in it. It did, and she was pissed… And then I found five dollars!

–23rd & Madison

50-ish woman on cell: The sausages, the arguing… He won’t be back.

–Court St & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: lisa Santandrea

Really tall guy folding himself into a Toyota Corolla: Don’t let me forget — I have a pocket full of meat!

–7th St, between Ave A & B

Overheard by: Siobhan

Posted on August 8, 2007
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They Call Wednesday One-Liners Aaron Burr ‘Cause of How They Drop Hamiltons

Man: There are just two problems. Number one, I can’t find anything to invest in. Number two, I have no money.

–Elevator, 56th & Lex

Overheard by: marisa

Man: So, what exactly does ‘You can win up to a million dollars’ mean?

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Rachel P

Whiny waitress: You know that asshole Conan O’Brien. He didn’t tip me at all on a fifteen hundred dollar tab!

–Main St, Roosevelt Island

Subway prophet: You got your money? Lady, you got your money? You got your jewels? I ain’t gonna rob ya, but you can’t take it with you! You can’t take none of that with you! You got your fine things, but you can’t take that shit with you! Give it to me instead!

–3 train

Young man on cell: I’m thinking maybe I should marry the girl, ’cause she’s got lots of money… And I do kinda love her.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Abi

Posted on August 8, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Money & Class, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The Best Part of Wednesday One-Liners Ran Down Their Mama’s Leg

Mom to young boy being polite to strangers: Come on, Christopher! Let’s go! People can hold the door open for themselves!

–Barnes & Noble, 7th Ave, Brooklyn

Mom to little son: You think you can do whatever you want?! You came outta my pussy, I sure as hell didn’t come outta yours!

–Magic Johnson Theater, Harlem

Angry dad pulling five-year-old son away from ‘Imagine’ circle: That’s for John Lennon, not for you!

–John Lennon Memorial, Central Park

Overheard by: For Cereal.

Angry mother to six-year-old girl: Kids get murdered! Kids get raped! Life is not free!

–125th St station, 4/5/6 platform

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Father to three-year-old son: You pinky-promised you wouldn’t act like a bastard!

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Y G B S M

Mom with screaming kids: Come over here! Come over here and pick out which soap you want, because it’s going in your mouth!

–D’Agostino

Overheard by: dank

Mother to four-year-old son: Rodney! Leave that lady alone. She don’t want you. [Grabs son’s arm] I should have read the fine print when I adopted you.

–Jerome & Clinton

Posted on August 8, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Kids, Parents, Wednesday One-Liners

Mr. Holland’s Wednesday One-Liners

Queer black guy to white fag hag: My skin used to be much lighter, but then I joined the marching band.

–N train

Overheard by: Ashley

Loud woman: So, this guy kept trying to borrow the guitar, and I thought, Who is this guy? He was so strung out he could only play one chord, but Zach was like, ‘Hey, you’ve heard of the Rolling Stones?’ And I said yes, and he said, ‘Well, that was one of the Rolling Stones.’ It was Keith Richards!

–Hungarian Pastry Shop, 111th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: embly

Suit: Think of it as intercourse, not playing the guitar.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: chica_boom

Girl, about musical she just saw: This will sound really weird, but different instruments made me have to pee more. I was like, ‘Damn you, saxophone!’

–Starbucks

Crazy ‘Nam vet to pack of musician passersby: Musical instruments are the tools of professional rapists!

–Williamsburg Bridge

Overheard by: bort