All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners’ Middle Name Is Ralph, As in Puke

Subway announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that there is no V train service on the weekends… That’s V as in ‘vomit.’

–57th St station

Overheard by: heroine in iniquity

Gotti-looking girl: Yeah, and I wasn’t having a good time so she was like, ‘Why didn’t you just get drunk and throw up on him?’ and I was like, ‘Because I’m not gonna stoop to his level. I’ll just have someone break his legs.’

–LIRR Hicksville

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: No fighting, no throwing up.

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Kristen

Drunk frat boy: Yo, man, what’s your poison tonight? What do you feel like tasting on the way up, bro? Do you want a puke jager? Do you want a puke jager?

–PATH to Christopher St

Metal guy to friend: I’m tellin’ you, if you gotta throw up you can’t beat pancakes and syrup.

–Burger King, 34th St

Overheard by: Glad I was done eating

Irish girl: It was a great night! No one peed in the shower, no one puked in their purse… None of that ever happened!

–168th & Ft Washington Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Remember Their Roots

Malan Breton, from Project Runway: Is this where I come to have my lashes dyed?

–Beauty salon, Hudson & Perry

Overheard by: thaler

Dude: It was fun, but we felt like posers because we all had mohawks, and they had, like, holes in their faces.

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Man: … And I said, that’s my body hair, not a sweater!

–Broadway & Reade

Overheard by: Caitlin

Loud Southern chick: He looked fine except for the goatee, the moustache, and the unibrow.

–Queens-bound E train

Overheard by: acep

Drunk hipster chick: Yeah, my geo-politics are fucked up and my bangs are fucked up. I cut them myself.

–Delancey & Essex platform

Overheard by: Scott L

Transgender emo teen: Go and see his MySpace picture. He is beautiful. But you can only see his hair.

–McDonald’s, 3rd St

Overheard by: jess and ari

The Protocols of the Elders of Wednesday One-Liners

Georgian tourist looking out window at Hasidic Jew: Oh, look at that man in the Abraham Lincoln costume!

–M1bus near Wall St

Overheard by: Nolan & Brandon

Mother to son: Basically, the Unitarians are the most Jewish of all the…

–91st & Broadway

Overheard by: Carol Elk

Potential student: What’s a Jesuit? A Jewish person?

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Guy on cell: He doesn’t even drink! He’s Jewish. Apparently Jews don’t drink.

–47th & 9th

Yenta on cell: Can you believe it? She’s planning to have quesadillas as her Passover meal!

–8th St & Hudson

Overheard by: Laughing Goy

Suit to another: Come on — I mean, we’re Jews. We can walk on water!

–20th & Park

Little boy to nanny: I should be a doctor when I grow up, because I’m Jewish. Or an acrobat…

–F train

Overheard by: LaLa

Wednesday One-Liners Veg Out

Burly construction worker: Nah, I’m telling you, man. You got it all wrong. Apple turnover is one of those little cake things.

–39th St, between 8th & 9th

Checkout lady holding up customer’s pear on counter: What the hell is this?!

–Key Food, East Village

Overheard by: J

Guy: … I didn’t know why she was chewing on a pickle with an inflated glove over one eye.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Coworker: I’m just saying, broccoli is the least respected vegetable in the vegetable kingdom. You can’t argue that.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Georgia Peach

Conductor after train pulls into station: Mrew! Mrew! Apples and bah-nay-nays!

–7 train

Drunk lady on cell: So, I’ve been pinned against the wall all night by a woman telling me about her bowel movements… And to top it all off, I found avocadoes on sale today for 99 cents!

–St. Mark’s & 5th, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Used to Go to Meow Mix

Girl: This friend of mine, her cat killed an endangered bird… in Germany. They had to bury it, like, three feet underground.

–Queens-bound E train

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Dude on cell: I saw Tim Burton on an interview the other day, and I said to my cat, ‘Snicket, behold a man who has never yet combed his hair!’

–AMDA entrance

Overheard by: McKinley’s Friend

Girl: And her cat and my cat are, like, really close…

–BX26 bus

Guy: I mean, I don’t even eat cat…

–14th St & 5th Ave

Guy to friend: No, cocaine. Cats really like cocaine!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Kerri

Wednesday One-Liners Are Up to $7.50 a Pack

Pilot on intercom: This is a non-smoking flight. Please do not smoke until… ever. Smoking is bad for you.

–American Airlines flight

Ghetto mom to lady with cigarette: Bitch, you just ashed on my baby!

–Outside Times Square Toys ‘R’ Us

Overheard by: trying not to ash on the stroller myself

Professor arguing with student: I’m just giving you a hard time. I accidentally bought the low-dose Nicotine gum, and it’s just not cutting it.

–100 Washington Sq East

Little girl: Mommy, you know how it’s cool to wear black? Maybe having black lungs is cool, too!

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Conductor: As a reminder, there is no smoking allowed in the train restrooms. We know who you are.

–Amtrak Acela approaching Penn Station

Overheard by: wasn’t me

Red-faced white guy: Augh! I was just so mad at him! I couldn’t take it anymore. I hate that guy so much! I want to bust him in his face and take all his teeth. I’d grind ’em up and smoke them. Smoke his teeth right there in front of him.

–PATH, 9th St

Overheard by: Zenana

Chick: I think I’m going to take up smoking in order to make friends.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Wednesday One-Liners May Begin… Now

NYU student: I feel like the professor didn’t scare me enough about the final exam y’know? So then, like, I didn’t get nervous enough, so then I didn’t study enough, so then I didn’t do well on it, y’know? So, like, it’s really my professor’s fault, y’know?

–Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Joseph O’Connell

Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.

–45th & Broadway

Guy on cell: … Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin’ hard…

–Union Square

Guy: I should have studied for this final… But the tequila was so good!

–NYU Silver Center

Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners Wouldn’t Say They’re Missing Work

Manager to resigned employee: It’s okay. If I worked here I’d be looking for another job as well.

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

Guy pleading into cell: Give me a break! So I have sex with one fuckin’ coworker…

–Lafayette & Spring

Overheard by: Jeff in Soho

Late-40s guy: When you get to be my age it’s hard to make the big money, to become rich. Sure, I could get a job, but that’s not me.

–Bus, Port Authority

Overheard by: How long is this bus ride?

Suit: I mean, if I’m gonna fuck a fatty it’s going to be one I don’t have to see at work on Monday.

–6 train, Astor Place

Bike messenger: I could die at any time. That’s why my job is so great. I clock in for doom.

–37th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Get Outsourced

Guy: This is like waiting in a breadline in Russia.

–Long line to get into Magnolia Bakery

Overheard by: Amy

Guy on cell: I got sexually molested by a teenager in Turkey!

–11th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Huh. Lot of Egypt.

–Egyptian art wing, the Met

Overheard by: Rhian

Girl having to throw away beer: That’s so sad — think of all the sober children in Ethiopia.

–Brooklyn Brewery

Overheard by: Eelco

Girl to boyfriend: What did you do today? Oprah probably fed a small country.

–13th St & 2nd Ave

Lady giving friend reindeer hat: Isn’t it great? I’m sure some Pakistani kid went blind making it, but y’know…

–Fancy restaurant, West Village

Overheard by: lbw

Black kid pointing at shirt: This shit is gangsta! It’s from Japan!

–The Gap, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Multiply Unfruitfully

High-heeled freshman ringleader: Who invented long division? That guy was smart… He was probably lying in his bed looking at the ceiling and was like, ‘I know, just put them in a little house!’

–1 train near Barnard

Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering

College dude to chick: Statistics are bullshit, just like facts.

–6th St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Rawn

Girl: I use, like, a hundred minutes an hour.

–Queens College

Chick screaming at four-year-old girl: 40 minus 14 is not 34!

–Baxter & Canal, Chinatown

Cashier to employee: They didn’t make you take a math test? When I was a bank teller they tested everyone to make sure you could do math at an eighth grade level. I guess they stopped doing it ’cause too many people failed.

–Duane Reade, Forest Hills

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