All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners by Victoria

Puerto Rican girl to another: I never dated a white guy, ’cause they got bad taste in underwear.

–Subway station, Times Square

Overheard by: Mama

Chick: … So I was dancing in the kitchen in my underwear and I looked out the window and the orthodox Yeshiva student guy that lives across the building from me was just staring open-mouthed. I’m never gonna open the curtains in the kitchen again.

–181st St

Overheard by: LSB

Mother to toddler son: Now, honey, close your eyes. This isn’t for you.

–Frederick’s of Hollywood, King’s Plaza

Queer: I totally go out of my way to wear edible thongs to work.

–Library Bar, Houston & Ave A

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Teen girl quickly descending staircase: I didn’t wear a bra again today. My boobs are bouncing down these stairs!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Suit on cell: Well, I mean, I have thongs… But I really don’t consider those underwear…

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Laura

Some of My Best Friends Are Wednesday One-Liners

Female conductor over speaker: Oh, I know you did not! If you wanna wait for your friends, you wait on the platform — do not hold my motherfucking doors!

–Manhattan-bound 1 train, 225th St

Young suit to another: I’m introducing you as a good friend of mine from the Bank of America, just so you know.

–Houston & Varick

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Middle-aged B&T lady: She told me she had no trouble with her friend dying in her apartment.

–375 Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

White chick: When I was younger I used to fart really loud every time I laughed. I think that’s why I didn’t have any friends.

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: MaryAnnaise

Five-year-old boy throwing wad of trash at younger brother: Say hello to my little friend!

–15th & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: nyamelia

Tired man on cell: You harassed me, you harassed my friends, and you cut up all my furniture… I don’t know what else there is to talk about.

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Czarina

Tween: Yeah, and then I made my friend scratch my back with his claws… And then I got ringworm.

–Q train, 8th & Broadway

Overheard by: worldfamouscats.com

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Having It

Ditz: This chair is so comfortable. It feels just like the chair they let me sit in for 30 minutes after I got my abortion… No, that one was even more comfortable!

–Kmart, Astor Pl

Girl on cell: And it worked? So, when are you going to miscarry? You are so smart. That’s awesome. Teach me, Simone. Teach me.

–Subway from Ditmars Blvd into Times Square

Overheard by: Meg

Chick: They were on a roadtrip in Ohio. They had this idea to bum-rush the abortion clinic protestors. She would throw her mom down on the ground and start eating her out. Then they would get up and run away.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Seven-year-old girl: So, Mommy, why did Aunt Debbie kill the baby in her tummy?

–3rd St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Matty H

Hipster girl on cell: Seriously, every time I hear a guy say he’s pro-choice I just want to have his babies.

–Housing Works Bookstore

Blond man on cell: Thank you for calling the abortion clinic. You rape ’em, we scrape ’em… Hi, Dad.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Brady

Wednesday One-Liners Try Out Their Fake IDs

Teen: Don’t touch my freshman!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Teen boy: I can’t scream. I lost my voice doing the Hokey Pokey.

–98th & 5th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Thug teen: Hey, guys, you see those cops over there? Watch this… Fuck the police! Hahaha — oh, shit, they’re coming over here… Run!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

14-year-old girl: I had like eight shots of vodka, and I didn’t get drunk or anything. I just couldn’t feel my face.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sofa

Teen kid: Dude, there’s like nothing to do here.

–Central Park West

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pissed at Michael Richards

Clueless white lady: Oh, I wanted to see this Dave Chappelle’s Black Party— I mean, uh…

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

White guy: I didn’t call him a monkey because he was black, I called him a monkey because he’s a fucking retard.

–Washington Square North

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Little Dominican boy to teacher: How come only black people get to be Indians?

–Plains Indians exhibit, Museum of Natural History

Old white lady trips over middle-aged white guy’s luggage: You’re just as bad as the black people!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: trying to get out of the way

Black guy to white guy in giant afro wig: Yeah, I wish I could be black.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Are Melanin-Challenged

White woman with white pooch on cell: I fucking hate white people.

–19th & Park

Chick: Yeah, I always wanted to do that play in high school, but then I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m white.’

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Sarah

Hobo to group of teen hipster girls: Oh my god, you ladies are beautiful! And you’re all white!

–Bleecker St

Black chick: When I was little I thought that white people pooped white.

–35th & 8th

Old black lady to others outside office building being investigated for the smell of gas: … And then I saw all the white people leaving, so I left.

–15th & 8th

Overheard by: Evacuated Employee

Wednesday One-Liners Skate by on Their Looks

Woman, about Kate Moss photo: At the time they don’t think that you’re on drugs, they just think that you’re beautiful.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Harried Visitor

Old woman to another: He had a beautiful, beautiful body, a handsome face, and a big old dick that would just kill ya!

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: rita

Perfume seller: Designer perfume! Five dollars. Only five dollars. Discounts for pretty ladies. [Looks at lady passerby] For you… $4.99.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Renea

Extreme Makeover: Wednesday One-Liners Edition

Guy to chick with him: I’d hold your hand, but my heart hates uggoes.

–67th & 1st

Girl watching two hot Mormon guys walk by: I think it evens out. I have actually seen ugly Mormons.

–Flatbush & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: stephanie k

Dude: Yeah, she’s not ugly, but she’s definitely not pretty. But she wants me to set her up with one of my friends. I told her that they’re all either married or ugly, but then I realized I should set her up with one of the uglies because it’ll help her self esteem.

–Rangers Game, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Veronica

Hoochie: I mean, he’s not the ugliest guy I’ve made out with. I made out with a guy who looked like Alf.

–Time Warner Center

Overheard by: Tater Tot

Old guy: I’m a good judge of character. That’s why I never talk to her. That and because she’s got a face like a foot. I never talk to ugly people.

–Viacom elevator, 1515 Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…

–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?

–Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

–2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Social Lives

Mom to toddler screaming in stroller: That’s it, sweetie. Let it all out. Doesn’t that feel good?

–TJ Maxx, 19th & 6th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Mom to toddler: Joseph, stop walking like a tourist!

–51st & 5th

Overheard by: Gillian

Mother to toddler running into automatic revolving door: You best not hurt yourself or I will fuck you up!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: HelloClairice

Man to child in stroller: … Then we push her over the edge of the cliff. That’s called getting even!

–President & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: George

Mother to three-year-old daughter: Hey, it’s Santa on the phone. And you know what he says? Stop taking my credit cards.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: lish

Mom to two small children struggling to get through the crowd: Just push them all as hard as you can! Use your fists and elbows, too!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Ivy270

Father hand-in-hand with seven-year-old boy who’s singing national anthem: That’s right, sing it loud and sing it wrong.

–Times Square

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