All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…

–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?

–Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

–2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Social Lives

Mom to toddler screaming in stroller: That’s it, sweetie. Let it all out. Doesn’t that feel good?

–TJ Maxx, 19th & 6th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Mom to toddler: Joseph, stop walking like a tourist!

–51st & 5th

Overheard by: Gillian

Mother to toddler running into automatic revolving door: You best not hurt yourself or I will fuck you up!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: HelloClairice

Man to child in stroller: … Then we push her over the edge of the cliff. That’s called getting even!

–President & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: George

Mother to three-year-old daughter: Hey, it’s Santa on the phone. And you know what he says? Stop taking my credit cards.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: lish

Mom to two small children struggling to get through the crowd: Just push them all as hard as you can! Use your fists and elbows, too!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Ivy270

Father hand-in-hand with seven-year-old boy who’s singing national anthem: That’s right, sing it loud and sing it wrong.

–Times Square

Working-Girl Wednesday One-Liners

Man with large bag: Out of the way! Get out of the way! Hooker on the job! Out of the way!

–42nd & Broadway

Guido dad walking out of American Girl with young daughter in hand: 43 dollars for a doll… She looking like a hooker!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: RP

Cabbie: No, sir! We do not stick our head out of the cab to yell at hookers!

–Times Square

Suit: I paid you five hundred dollars and you won’t fucking let me touch you!

–Starbucks, Spring St

Overheard by: thwarted

20-something girl on cell: … So he is gonna buy me a plane ticket to come down to Florida for two days, basically to have sex, since it’s not like any kind of relationship… I mean, that kinda makes me into a prostitute, right? But I’m totally down with that [laughs].

–34th St

Guy on cell: Hello, where are you located? … Alright, so what kind of girls do you have? African?

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Jessie

Young girl to group of friends: We would sell for so much. We’re all young and fresh!

–L train

Non-Consensual Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: Hell yeah, I’ll go rape Eminem!

–33rd St, Astoria

Overheard by: Christine

Drunk girl: If you rape me with that stuffed animal again, I’m gonna hurt you!

–6 train

NYU Student: It is hard to rape a tree.

–715 Broadway

Hobo: You cannot rape women! It is illegal!

–12th St & 4th Ave

Overheard by: sober eavesdropper

Woman: Why do you always have to start with gang rape?

–82nd St & West End

Overheard by: Mosteen.

Girl: Did you read the New York Times? The elephants are, like, raping the rhinoceros!

–Silver Center, NYU

Overheard by: Genevieve

Wednesday One-Liners Now Get Rollover Minutes

Chick: So, my friend called me yesterday and said, ‘I called you because I had diarrhea and it made me think of you.’

–Starbucks, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

Frustrated man: You call me back and I’ll tell you where the food is!

–23rd & 6th

Girl on cell with ex-boyfriend: Wait a second, I don’t get good service here. Let me go outside so I can yell at you.

–Loehmann’s, 16th & 7th

Yuppie dressed as hipster: Hey. Oh, sorry I didn’t call… So, yeah, I was in a kidnapping today…

–Bleecker

Bus driver over intercom: And to your right you will see a sleazy motel. If you notice any cars that look familar please give a quick call home.

–Q46 bus

Wednesday One-Liners Are Unincorporated Territory

Woman: Come here, sweetheart! You lousy fucking Puerto Rican scum!

–4th & MacDougal

Construction worker to another: Come here, I’ll buy you some food ’cause you’re my man. What, you want Puerto Rican food? They’ve got Puerto Rican food here.

–Burger King, 46th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Suit: Have you ever been to Croatia? They treated me like a god just for being Puerto Rican.

–M31 bus, between Madison & Lex

Dude: Nawww, don’t go to Puerto Rico. It’s just like New Jersey!

–Outside Caliente Cab Co.

Wednesday One-Liners Have to Go

Lady on cell: Trust me, this is the one time you can pee on a woman and not totally demean her.

–Grand Central

Well-dressed woman holding a McDonald’s cup that her son, pants still around his ankles, pissed into: Nice job, honey.

–14th & 6th

Girl in back row: I really like the new LIRR trains. I never pissed in the old ones, but I licked one once… Oh, and I pissed on the floor of a new one… Yeah, I did.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Wishing my Physics Final Started 5 min’s ago

Pissing hobo: This piss is for Mike Bloomberg. Ahhh, yeah.

–Barnes & Noble restroom, 82nd St

Wednesday One-Liners Should Be in Foster Care

Security guard to another: … So if you really want to take a gamble you buy a baby.

–Lobby, Psych building, NYU

Woman on cell: … And then he said he gonna kick mah baby ‘cross the street!

–Union Square

Overheard by: what??

Guy on skates to chick: … And these people, they eat their babies…

–West Village

Overheard by: Joe is So Friggin Amazing

Chick on cell: So, she trusted this woman to watch over her baby, right? And then she takes the baby to the zoo for a photo shoot and comes back with the wrong baby!

–Grocery store, 8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: So, what? You don’t want me to be in the baby’s life anymore? … Well, you know what? I did your sister! [Hangs up angrily.]

–Starbucks, 66th & 3rd

Lady: So I said to my sistah, ‘I ain’t goin’ to spend my weed money on your baby’s diapers!’

–Fulton Mall

Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners

Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets… Watch for pickpockets.

–B44 bus

Overheard by: Katia

Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We’ll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.

–Port Authority bus terminal

Bus driver: Happy New Year’s everyone. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.

–101 bus, 68th & 3rd

Overheard by: Sashanyc

Bus driver who wouldn’t let anyone pay to get on, claiming she’d won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y’all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. — meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.

–M79 bus, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: mar

Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.

–86th St crosstown bus

Overheard by: Hannah Rose

Wednesday One-Liners: ‘That’s What She Said’

Biology professor to students: Now that you’ve got the basic structure, I’m going to bone you for a while.

–NYU

Overheard by: i’m in the hard class

Conductor: Okay, folks, we’re actually running ahead of schedule. We’ll be stopping for approximately 40 minutes, so if you like you can get out and spread your legs. Spread your– stretch your legs…

–Amtrak train into Penn

Overheard by: KT

Woman on cell: It’s from the car accident. I can’t really move my head, and he woke up stiff this morning, and that never happens.

–5 train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Woman: Maggie has stopped eating. She’s just not putting as many things in her mouth as she used to.

–Union Square market

Girl on cell: Hey, Mom. Hold on a second, I’m gonna three-way Dad… Oh, wow, weird.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Mike

Guy on PA: Hey, Mark, could you do me a favor? Just put it in, please? Yeah, I need you to put it in right now. Thanks, Mark!

–PATH

Overheard by: Ferocious Russian

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