Wednesday One-Liners Try Out Their Fake IDs

Teen: Don’t touch my freshman!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Teen boy: I can’t scream. I lost my voice doing the Hokey Pokey.

–98th & 5th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Thug teen: Hey, guys, you see those cops over there? Watch this… Fuck the police! Hahaha — oh, shit, they’re coming over here… Run!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

14-year-old girl: I had like eight shots of vodka, and I didn’t get drunk or anything. I just couldn’t feel my face.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sofa

Teen kid: Dude, there’s like nothing to do here.

–Central Park West

Posted on March 7, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Are Pissed at Michael Richards

Clueless white lady: Oh, I wanted to see this Dave Chappelle’s Black Party— I mean, uh…

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

White guy: I didn’t call him a monkey because he was black, I called him a monkey because he’s a fucking retard.

–Washington Square North

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Little Dominican boy to teacher: How come only black people get to be Indians?

–Plains Indians exhibit, Museum of Natural History

Old white lady trips over middle-aged white guy’s luggage: You’re just as bad as the black people!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: trying to get out of the way

Black guy to white guy in giant afro wig: Yeah, I wish I could be black.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Posted on March 7, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Are Melanin-Challenged

White woman with white pooch on cell: I fucking hate white people.

–19th & Park

Chick: Yeah, I always wanted to do that play in high school, but then I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m white.’

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Sarah

Hobo to group of teen hipster girls: Oh my god, you ladies are beautiful! And you’re all white!

–Bleecker St

Black chick: When I was little I thought that white people pooped white.

–35th & 8th

Old black lady to others outside office building being investigated for the smell of gas: … And then I saw all the white people leaving, so I left.

–15th & 8th

Overheard by: Evacuated Employee

Posted on March 7, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Skate by on Their Looks

Woman, about Kate Moss photo: At the time they don’t think that you’re on drugs, they just think that you’re beautiful.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Harried Visitor

Old woman to another: He had a beautiful, beautiful body, a handsome face, and a big old dick that would just kill ya!

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: rita

Perfume seller: Designer perfume! Five dollars. Only five dollars. Discounts for pretty ladies. [Looks at lady passerby] For you… $4.99.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Renea

Posted on March 7, 2007
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Extreme Makeover: Wednesday One-Liners Edition

Guy to chick with him: I’d hold your hand, but my heart hates uggoes.

–67th & 1st

Girl watching two hot Mormon guys walk by: I think it evens out. I have actually seen ugly Mormons.

–Flatbush & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: stephanie k

Dude: Yeah, she’s not ugly, but she’s definitely not pretty. But she wants me to set her up with one of my friends. I told her that they’re all either married or ugly, but then I realized I should set her up with one of the uglies because it’ll help her self esteem.

–Rangers Game, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Veronica

Hoochie: I mean, he’s not the ugliest guy I’ve made out with. I made out with a guy who looked like Alf.

–Time Warner Center

Overheard by: Tater Tot

Old guy: I’m a good judge of character. That’s why I never talk to her. That and because she’s got a face like a foot. I never talk to ugly people.

–Viacom elevator, 1515 Broadway

Posted on March 7, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…

–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?

–Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

–2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

Posted on March 7, 2007
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Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Social Lives

Mom to toddler screaming in stroller: That’s it, sweetie. Let it all out. Doesn’t that feel good?

–TJ Maxx, 19th & 6th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Mom to toddler: Joseph, stop walking like a tourist!

–51st & 5th

Overheard by: Gillian

Mother to toddler running into automatic revolving door: You best not hurt yourself or I will fuck you up!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: HelloClairice

Man to child in stroller: … Then we push her over the edge of the cliff. That’s called getting even!

–President & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: George

Mother to three-year-old daughter: Hey, it’s Santa on the phone. And you know what he says? Stop taking my credit cards.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: lish

Mom to two small children struggling to get through the crowd: Just push them all as hard as you can! Use your fists and elbows, too!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Ivy270

Father hand-in-hand with seven-year-old boy who’s singing national anthem: That’s right, sing it loud and sing it wrong.

–Times Square

Posted on March 7, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Kids, Parents, Wednesday One-Liners

Working-Girl Wednesday One-Liners

Man with large bag: Out of the way! Get out of the way! Hooker on the job! Out of the way!

–42nd & Broadway

Guido dad walking out of American Girl with young daughter in hand: 43 dollars for a doll… She looking like a hooker!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: RP

Cabbie: No, sir! We do not stick our head out of the cab to yell at hookers!

–Times Square

Suit: I paid you five hundred dollars and you won’t fucking let me touch you!

–Starbucks, Spring St

Overheard by: thwarted

20-something girl on cell: … So he is gonna buy me a plane ticket to come down to Florida for two days, basically to have sex, since it’s not like any kind of relationship… I mean, that kinda makes me into a prostitute, right? But I’m totally down with that [laughs].

–34th St

Guy on cell: Hello, where are you located? … Alright, so what kind of girls do you have? African?

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Jessie

Young girl to group of friends: We would sell for so much. We’re all young and fresh!

–L train