Brooklyn guy: Cute kid you got there. How old is he?
Short-haired mom: She is 20 months.
Brooklyn guy: Oh, ‘she.’ Sorry, I didn’t realize…
Short-haired mom: That’s because gender is performance.
Brooklyn guy: [Sips coffee.]
–Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd
Overheard by: the nearby barista
Security guard to another: … So if you really want to take a gamble you buy a baby.
–Lobby, Psych building, NYU
Woman on cell: … And then he said he gonna kick mah baby ‘cross the street!
–Union Square
Overheard by: what??
Guy on skates to chick: … And these people, they eat their babies…
–West Village
Overheard by: Joe is So Friggin Amazing
Chick on cell: So, she trusted this woman to watch over her baby, right? And then she takes the baby to the zoo for a photo shoot and comes back with the wrong baby!
–Grocery store, 8th St & Ave C
Man on phone: So, what? You don’t want me to be in the baby’s life anymore? … Well, you know what? I did your sister! [Hangs up angrily.]
–Starbucks, 66th & 3rd
Lady: So I said to my sistah, ‘I ain’t goin’ to spend my weed money on your baby’s diapers!’
–Fulton Mall
Black chick on cell: What? You don’t want a picture of me? Huh? I said, ‘You don’t want a picture of me?’ I’ll send you one of me and my baby. Huh? My baby’s one now. Huh? Man, I been tellin’ you I had a baby. What? You my big baby, that’s my baby baby.
–Coney Island
Nurse #1: I know, I still can’t believe she signed that name on the birth certificate.
Doctor: What name?
Nurse #2: When Dr. Smith* delivered the afterbirth, this mom said, ‘Oh my god, what is that?’ and Dr. Smith said, ‘That’s the placenta.’
Nurse #1: Yeah, and then the freakin’ idiot says, ‘That’s the most beautiful name I ever heard! I’m gonna name my baby Placenta.’
Doctor: No, don’t tell me–
Nurse #2: Yep.
Doctor: I’m sorry I asked.
–Hospital cafeteria
Overheard by: 2nd time gramma
Little boy: My mom used to go to the doctor because she couldn’t have a baby.
Nanny: Oh, really?
Little boy: Yep. Now, she just goes to the landlord.
–Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Rhea
Chick #1 browsing Star magazine: African babies are totally the new black.
Chick #2: Um, I’m pretty sure African babies are the old black, too.
–6 train
Overheard by: ABSNOLA
Guy: There’s a lot of lucky lesbian couples that are going to have kids that look like me.
Girl: …Dude, that’s gross!
–34th & 7th
Overheard by: M. Ducheine
Female doctor: How’s your baby?
Male doctor: Oh, you know — small.
–Beth Israel Medical Center
Overheard by: Blackbuttoneyes
Chick: So how was the baby shower?
Guy: It was nice. My mother decorated it — there were hanging diapers everywhere and shit. It was cute.
–N train
Overheard by: tanechka
Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.
–50th & 8th
Overheard by: Lord…
Black woman on cell: I don’t like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I’m Jamaican. I just found out I’m Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don’t hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.
–Queens bound 7 Train
Hoochie with baby: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.
–R Train
Little girl: When I don’t want to listen to my dad I just say ‘Talk to the hand!’
–Wooster St & Spring St
Little kid in stroller: Dad, is this us?
–Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop
Overheard by: Steve Grant
