Babies

Customer: Hey, you lost a lot of weight.
Barista: No, I gave birth two weeks ago.
Customer: To a baby?

–Starbucks

Overheard by: mjw51

Guy #1: What are you trying to do?
Guy #2: Have your babies.
Guy #1: Mad babies?
Guy #2: Mabies.

–Rubin Hall elevator, 5th Avenue

Overheard by: danie

Remote control car vendor #1, to hot chick passerby: Hey, baby, I got a pretty girl discount!
Remote control car vendor #2: Yeah, I’m giving out free babies. Free babies!

–181st & Broadway

Overheard by: Josh H

Young woman, waiting to deposit paycheck: They is killin’ me in taxes! I got to get a baby.

–HSBC, Hanson Pl, Brooklyn

Overheard by: andrew

Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.

–Midtown office

Concerned male friend: Well, aren't you afraid of gettin' like, an STD or something? Don't you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn't. I mean, he's been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin' ever happened. (points to belly, implying she's pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He's 18. I'm 16–almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don't know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I'll take my baby with me!

–E Train

Headline by: Erica Neumann

Runners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One” – twoferrets
· “Ju No What I’m Talking About?” – Barry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister…” – Who Doesn’t Love A Drunken Infant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” – MJP
· “There’s a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere…” – S-Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?” – All by myself.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Hipster girl: On the train into the city this morning, I sat on a baby and almost crushed it.
Metal guy: There is no internet acronym for how funny that is.

–Union Square

Overheard by: esther

Girl: So, I saw this woman using her baby as a weapon, and I was like, ‘I don’t think you should be using your baby like a weapon.’

–LIRR

Overheard by: Gaby

Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your baby-mama be cock-blockin’.

–F train

Girl: I don’t want AIDS, I just want his baby!

–Queens

Blue collar Yankees fan about father’s car, to friends: I never did nothing to that car… ‘cept I burned a cigarette hole in the seat. I did do that. But nothin’ else. I drove that car like a baby.

–E train

Overheard by: John G

Preggers on cell: I’m in labor right now, but it’s okay because I told the baby that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and enjoy this meal. Any child of mine can come after.

–Ecco, Chambers St

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just going to stay home and make babies.

–1 Train

College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn’t gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there’s something pecking through my wall! I’m really freaked out!

–Bleecker and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?

–St Marks Place, Staten Island

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don’t she just be a … doctor!

–52nd & 7th

Professor: 42-year-old babies don’t have bones.

–Schenectady County Community College

Professor: Does anyone know where the term “Passover” comes from?
Student: It's because the Jews put blood on their doors so Jesus would pass over their house and not kill the first-born son.

–Classroom, Fordham University

Overheard by: dundun