Drunk male ballet dancer: Can I have your attention, please? I’m not asking for money — I just want to let you all know that I need to pee and I’m going to step between the cars for a moment. I’ll be right back, don’t worry. [He steps out of the car onto the walkway for a few seconds, then comes back in. Whole car applauds.]
–1 train
Drunk girl #1: My boyfriend likes to swallow his ejacu– Ejacu–
Drunk girl #2: It’s ‘ejaculate.’
Drunk girl #1: Is that normal?
–Manhattan-bound L train
Overheard by: What is normal?
Drunk guy: Oh, kick that dart! I mean dog. I mean, is that a puppy? Oh, it’s a ball.
Teen boy: It’s a ball, are you blind?
–96th & Broadway
Drunk girl #1: So I think I am going to go as something I totally hate for Halloween.
Drunk girl #2: What are you going as?
Drunk girl #1: I think I am either going as a Jew or a Chinese person
or a tourist.
Drunk girl #2: Hey, you know I am Jewish, don’t you?
Drunk girl #1: I don’t care, I am definitely going as a Jew.
Drunk girl #2: Shots?
–37th & 3rd
Overheard by: Brian McCormick
Drunk dude: Wow! Do you know how long I’ve been looking for this nickel?
Drunk girl: What? Since an emergency in 1923?
–Sin-e, Attorney Street
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Chick: Last night’s blind date was so boring.
Guy: Oh, yeah?
Chick: I was so bored I got drunk, but my hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
Guy: Oh my god!
Chick: I didn’t know my hair was ablaze when he threw water on me, and I was like, ‘What the fuck are you doing?!’
–D train
Drunk guy walking into a stop sign, enthusiastically: I'm still drunk!
Suit: Solid.
–Midtown
Overheard by: El conquistador
Drunken passenger: Someone farted up in here. Shit smell like AIDS, man.
–W Train
Train conductor on “drunk train” from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!
–LIRR, Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Sarah
Drunk guy #1: I need to get laid.
Drunk guy #2: Yeah? Well, I did the most post-modern girl last night.
–roof party, East Village
Overheard by: Jackie
