At Least Wednesday One-Liners Can Cook

Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lo

Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches?

–7 Train

Overheard by: Andrea

Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women.

–Downtown NYC Courthouse

Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Marlon B

Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly.

–Cobble Hill

Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too

Posted on June 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Beauty, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Drunks, Fat People, Fordham, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Holidays, Insults, Lower Manhattan, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Physical appearance, Questions, Sex, Sorority Girls, Teens, Thugs, Vagina, Vomit, Weirdness

I Do Know That

Drunk girl walking past man: Ohmigod, mistah, you is taaaallll! You already know that, though.
Tall man, unfazed: Thank you.

–Broadway & 151st St

Overheard by: Milton

Posted on June 23, 2015
Compliments, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Height, Men, Physical appearance

He Forgot to Pull Up His Tights

Drunk male ballet dancer: Can I have your attention, please? I’m not asking for money — I just want to let you all know that I need to pee and I’m going to step between the cars for a moment. I’ll be right back, don’t worry. [He steps out of the car onto the walkway for a few seconds, then comes back in. Whole car applauds.]

–1 train

Posted on June 22, 2015
Drunks, On the Subway, Pee

Does He Fight You for It?

Drunk girl #1: My boyfriend likes to swallow his ejacu– Ejacu–
Drunk girl #2: It’s ‘ejaculate.’
Drunk girl #1: Is that normal?

–Manhattan-bound L train

Overheard by: What is normal?

Posted on June 21, 2015
Cum, Drunks, On the Subway

Nah, He’s Just Beergoggling You

Drunk guy: Oh, kick that dart! I mean dog. I mean, is that a puppy? Oh, it’s a ball.
Teen boy: It’s a ball, are you blind?

–96th & Broadway

Posted on June 18, 2015
Drunks, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Questions, Stupidity, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

It’s Pronounced Schwartz (Happy Halloween!)

Drunk girl #1: So I think I am going to go as something I totally hate for Halloween.
Drunk girl #2: What are you going as?
Drunk girl #1: I think I am either going as a Jew or a Chinese person
or a tourist.
Drunk girl #2: Hey, you know I am Jewish, don’t you?
Drunk girl #1: I don’t care, I am definitely going as a Jew.
Drunk girl #2: Shots?

–37th & 3rd

Overheard by: Brian McCormick

Posted on June 18, 2015
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Holidays, Jews, Judaism, Murray Hill and Gramercy

OMG, Warren Harding is Having a Heart Attack!

Drunk dude: Wow! Do you know how long I’ve been looking for this nickel?
Drunk girl: What? Since an emergency in 1923?

–Sin-e, Attorney Street

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Posted on June 16, 2015
Drunks, Money & Class, Union Square and East Village

It’s Not Excitement Unless It Leaves Scars

Chick: Last night’s blind date was so boring.
Guy: Oh, yeah?
Chick: I was so bored I got drunk, but my hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
Guy: Oh my god!
Chick: I didn’t know my hair was ablaze when he threw water on me, and I was like, ‘What the fuck are you doing?!’

–D train