Some Potty Humor, Courtesy of Wednesday One-Liners

Lady suit: Do you think anyone would notice if I just popped a squat and urinated everywhere?

–Port Authority

12-year-old girl: And then… He, like… peed in my mouth. It was kinda gross.

–Eddie’s Sweet Shop

Overheard by: Yorick

Man peeing on the street: Watch the stream, watch the stream!

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Maya G.

Black guy to coworker: What about that golden shower I had the other night?

–NYU Weinstein Dining Hall

Middle-aged convention female attendee: I didn’t know that urinals flushed. Did you know urinals flushed? Who would have thought?

–Javits Convention Center

Overheard by: Hector

Drunk man to embarrassed friend: Did I tell you about the time I peed on a bum? For real, I did! I was just taking a leak and looked down like: "Oh shit, is that a person?" He looked up on me and said: "Hey, you just peed on me!" And I did! I peed on him! Then I put myself in his shoes like: "What if someone peed on me?" I’d be pissed! That’s some fucked up shit, man. So I gave him ten bucks.

–A Train

Posted on July 26, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Coworkers, Drunks, Etiquette, Friends, Girls, Guys, Homeless, Kink, Men, Money & Class, NYU, On the Subway, Pee, Poop, Port Authority, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Suits, The Village, Tweens, Weirdness, West Village, Women

You Guys Asked Me to Be the Designated Hater

Drunk girl #1: She doesn’t care about AIDS?
Drunk girl #2: No, no, she said ‘Asians.’ She said she doesn’t care about Asians.
Sober friend: I said I didn’t care about age.
Drunk girl #2: Why are you hatin’ on Asians with AIDS?

–L train

Posted on July 22, 2015
Drunks, On the Subway, Stupidity

Jason’s Walking-Around License Gets Revoked

Burly man who pulled frat boy out of tracks: Dude, are you drunk?
Frat boy: Ah… Ah… I don’t know. I guess I had something to drink.
Burly man: Dude, next time you get on a train make sure it’s there first!

–1-2-3 platform, 96th St

Posted on July 19, 2015
Advice, Drunks, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Wednesday Will Go Nazarene on Your One-Liners

Black woman: Sixteen dollars? That paper better be made out of Jesus's ass.

–Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Emily B.

40-something to friends: And what's going on with the fucking baby Jesus over there?

–Starbucks

Guy on cell: In my class, we were talking about how Jesus was a Viking warrior.

–Queens College

Woman, about Matt Lauer and Katie Couric: See, this is why Jesus Christ and the Pharisees didn't get along.

–22nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Rachel Peters

Woman on phone on the night before Easter: No, I do not want you at my house right now. (pause) I'm going home to watch The Ten Commandments and read my bible–Jesus is coming back tomorrow!

–B44 Bus

Overheard by: Micah

Drunk high school girl: If Jesus had discovered a cure for dry mouth, he'd be a lot more popular!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Smudge

Posted on July 16, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Books & Writing, Bus, Christianity, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Jesus, Medicine, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Bus, Queens, Queens College, Questions, School and studying, Sorority Girls, Starbucks, Store, Street, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Loiners

Drunk jock: She left cuz she said she was hungry. Well, I'll put that fuckin' falafel on my dick!

–LaGuardia & W 4th

Overheard by: Not drunk

College guy to no one in particular: She was trying to suck my dick! …so I slapped her with it!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Kate V.

Woman to man: See, I don't have a dick, I have a pussy, but I told him to suck my dick.

–South Park Slope

Drunk guy outside subway entrance: Racism can go suck a dick! I don't care who you are, if you're racist, I. Will. Fight. You.

–Central Park Entrance

Overheard by: HAIR-y

Woman to another: I never had to dress up my vagina to get a dick. An old man would have had me pinned against a wall in a second.

–Century 21 Store

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you know what his defense was? (pause) Yeah, he tried to tell the judge he couldn't have done it because his dick was too huge. (pause) I know! And it gets better! He wanted to make a plaster of Paris mold of his dick to prove it was too big! (pause) Oh, I'm serious. (pause) Yeah, no…I don't know what he was going to do with the mold of his dick. Maybe he was gonna submit it as Exhibit A or something, and shove it up in her to prove his point.

–Penn Station

Posted on July 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Central Park, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Frat Boys, Girls, Guys, Height, Insults, Jocks, Men, On Cell, Park Slope, Penis, Penn Station, Port Authority, Race, Sex, Store, The Village, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

When Bogie Met Bacall, He Was Drunk and She Was Just a Kid

Drunk guy, catcalling: Meow!
Mini-skirt girl, first shocked, then laughing: Woof, woof!

–E 7th & Ave A

Overheard by: animal lover

Posted on July 13, 2015
Compliments, Drunks, Girls, Languages, Union Square and East Village

That’s Not How I Overheard Tiffany Tell It

Drunk White guy: Do you think I’m a good looking guy?
Teen chick: No, you are ugly.
Drunk White guy: Tell me what is ugly about me. Is it the scars on my face? I used to be a fighter.

She leaves the subway car.

Drunk White guy: I’ve had plenty of pussy. Black, White, Spanish, Colombian–that was the best–young Hispanic, young White, one time this nice African-American girl Tiffany. We were really in love…

–6 train

Posted on July 9, 2015
Drunks, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Sex, Teens, White People

“Well, at least no one overheard us.”

Drunk Suit #1: You do realize that we’re going to jail for this, right?
Drunk Suit #2: Yeah, I know.
Drunk Suit #1: I mean, Powers is dead!

–Dock’s Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Posted on July 2, 2015
Bars & Clubs, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Prison, Suits

That’ll Teach Vito to Blab to the Feds

Drunk white dude: We saw this fuckin’ rat in our pantry, so I whisper over to my roommate, ‘Dude, dude! There’s a fucking rat in the pantry!’ So I, like, grab a butter knife and shit, and like, I stabbed it! I fuckin’ stabbed that fuckin’ rat!
Black chick: Wow! Did you kill it?
Drunk white dude: Nah, it like, bled a lot and shit, so we threw it in the dumpster. I tried to, like, smash its skull, but I couldn’t do it.
Drunk white girl, not part of their conversation: Shut the fuck up!

–8th St station

Posted on June 29, 2015
Animals & Nature, Drunks, Stab, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

For the Last Time, It's “Public Service” Not “Public Servicing.”

Drunk guy: You're not looking too good, are you okay to drive?
Drunk guy: Those officers can suck my dick.
Drunk girl: Those officers will not suck your dick, and they never will.

–W 238th & Waldo Ave

Posted on June 29, 2015
BJs, Cars and Driving, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, The Bronx

Drunks