Drunks

You Know Those People Who Do All Their Thinking Out Loud?

Drunk guy #1: You know Fabrizio is banging Heather, right?
Drunk guy #2: No, really?
Drunk guy #1: Yeah, he’s bangin’ the shit out of her — throwing her around the room and shit.
Drunk guy #2: Hehehe.
Drunk guy #1: He had her at her parents’ house and went for six hours non-stop.
Drunk guy #2: Wow.
Drunk guy #1: Of course, he’s 23 years old. For me to go six hours non-stop I need a little blue help. You know, some blue help — especially with all the stuff I do [holds hand up to nose simulating doing a bump], y’know what I mean? [Suddenly turns to lady with Lord & Taylor bag] Lord and Taylor — that place is the best. It’s just like Neiman Marcus, but for a hundred bucks more you get a cappuccino and a shoe shine. It’s worth it, right?

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: Leticia

…So They're Still Able to Be Polite

Drunk Yankees fan: Hey there! Can we get two Jager shots?
Coffee shop employee: Uh, we don't have any Jager shots here.
Drunk Yankees fan: Well, what do you have?
Coffee shop employee: Uhh… Coffee? Tea? Lattes?
Drunk Yankees fan: Aww, man! (to friend) They ain't got no Jager shots here! (to employee) Okay, thanks anyway. (they leave)
Coffee shop employee: It's 4:30 in the afternoon…

–Coffee Shop, Franklin & Varick

Overheard by: yankees fans are special people

And When They Woke Up, the Guy Was Still Stupid

Drunk guy: Yo, you bein’ stupid!
Sober guy: Yeah, but you’re drunk.
Drunk guy: Yeah, I am drunk! But you bein’ stupid! Come to my house — 123 Broadway! I’ll feed you! I got food! I got food! I will feed you all the time!
Sober guy: You’re drunk. Shut up.
Drunk guy: I am drunk. I will feed you! I love this train and everyone in it! Amen!

–Q train

He Was This Close to Carrying a Goat

Girl #1: I don’t think I can walk anymore.
Guy #1: C’mon, I’ll carry you.
Girl #2: You’re carrying her all the way to 72nd?
Guy #2: Dude, you’re not gonna make it.
Girl #1: It’s okay, you don’t–
Guy #1: It’ll be fine.
Hobo: That place sure has great door prizes.

–Tavern on the Green, West 67th Street

Overheard by: gibberish

The Olde English So You Can Rest Medicine

Drunk dude: Do you guys have any change?
Sober dude: No.
Drunk guy: I just want to get a 40. I had one but it accidentally broke on my head. Which sucks real bad! I just need to get a 40 so I can sleep.

–Clinton & Stanton

Overheard by: chite

Wednesdays Brush After Every One-Liner

Big, Italian guy on cell: Braces? (pause) Why do you want braces? (pause) You don't just get them 'cause you want them!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I hated braces

30-something woman to friend: I started getting cavities after I started making out with boys.

–Queens

Overheard by: Angela

Drunk guy: I wasn't having a heart attack, I was at the dentist!

–M60 Bus

Happy tall man on cell: Alright, nigga, brush your teef and all that, I wanna get high!

–111th & Lenox Ave

Oh Ho Ho, We’ve All Been There!

Drunk man: I feel like I’ve been anally raped by Gwyneth Paltrow’s step-sister.
Drunk girl: Yeah, I know what you mean.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: West Coast Courtney

…Jump! Jump! Jump!

Evangelist standing on a bench: I was born under the Lord, I've lived under the Lord, and I'll die under the Lord.
Drunk walking by: Die, we don't give a fuck!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Michael A McCormick

Like I Do When You Ask for I.D.

Girl: Is this tequila comparable to Jose?
Old wino: Uhh, ask Leonard, but be careful, he'll go on forever.
Girl: S'okay, I'll fake a seizure.

–Liquor Store, 53rd St & 2nd Ave

'Cause I Just Gave You Performance Feedback

Subway musician to drunk guy puking: Hey! Come on, asshole, take a cab, this is my place of work!
Drunk guy: You know what, why don't you pay for my cab to Queens and get a real job while you're at it?

–7 Train

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