Wifey: Did you just see what happened?
Husband: Yes.
Wifey: That’s why you need to let people off the train first before you try to get on.
Husband: Okay.
Wifey: Next time, just follow me okay?
Husband, disgruntled: Okay.
[Wifey starts reading a book and hubby starts reading his morning newspaper.]Wifey, glancing at husband: You really need to clean your ears out -you have a big piece of wax in your ear!
Husband: Thanks for letting me know.
Wifey: No problem.
–N Train
Guy #1: You’ve been snackin’ recently.
Guy #2: What do you mean?
Guy #1: Spitting in my sandwiches –and I still eat them, but there’s no trust!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Been Jamin’
Woman #1: Is it just me, or is it starting to rain?
Woman #2: No, someone probably spat on you.
–W 35th St
Woman on cell: He wouldn’t know where the hell my G-spot was if it hit him in the face with female ejaculation.
–Central Park
Overheard by: albus severus
Garage attendant: Sex is better when you’re all sweaty. If she can’t grab your ass, she’ll slide right off!
–Parking garage, Edgecombe Ave
Overheard by: Lalaith
Frat boy: … So I look down and I see vagina juices all down the side of my pants.
–NYU dining hall
Old Russian lady blows nose into her palm and flings it behind her, almost hitting black woman.
Black woman: Lady, you got to watch what you’re doing! You can’t be doin’ that shit! You almost hit me with your snot!
–Queens Blvd, Rego Park
Dentist: Wow, your saliva just spurted like a whale!
–10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Woman in dressing room: There’s a booger on the wall in here. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for this.
–MEXX, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Sarah
Queer: I’m sorry. Did I juice on you?
Tall girl: No, I think I juiced on myself.
–Chinatown
20-ish guy: You mean, you don’t look before sitting on a subway?! I mean, come on!
20-ish girl #1: It looks like puke.
20-ish girl #2: But it smells like bubble gum — it can’t be puke.
20-ish girl #3: I thought it was cum!
–V train
Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: #2
Drunk guy: Yeah, I’d pick corn out of your shit to have sex with you.
–5th & Ave B
Fourth grade boy #1: I love to be eatin’ the dead skin off the bottom of my feet. It be tastin’ mad salty! [Friend smiles and nods in agreement.]
–Classroom, 106th & 1st
Little kid, screaming: Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose!
–JFK
Overheard by: Ladle
Eight-year-old black boy: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
Mom: I told you to stop that!
Eight-year-old black boy, three minutes later: Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall. Skeet, skeet, skeet all over the wall.
–Restroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda
Chick #1 reading can: ‘Pineapple chunks in its own juices.’ Ewww.
Chick #2: Hey, at least it doesn’t say ‘Pineapple chunks in his own juices.’
Chick #1: Why would it say that?!
–D’Agostinos, 78th & York
Hipster guy, after hipster girl sneezes: Oh, God bless you.
Hipster girl: Don’t bless me.
Hipster guy: Fuck you, then.
–Fat Baby, Lower East Side
Overheard by: RoninTy
