Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can’t refill them if you don’t tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!
–CVS/pharmacy
Overheard by: Amused customer in line
Man #1: I was cashing my check in Brighton Beach and this Russian dude almost hit my little brother. So I went and tapped on his window and you know the first thing I did?
Man #2: What’s that?
Man #1: I spit in his mouth. He opened up his mouth and got a mouthful of my spit. Then I started walking away and he got out of his car and was like 6ft 9, all basketball style.
–Nathan’s at Coney Island
Overheard by: Brad Benson
Girl, after writing essay: You know how she asked us to write what we thought?
Boy: Yeah.
Girl: I put down that I needed to blow my nose.
–NYU
Teen boy #1: …Well that one time, remember? I had the worst hangover and I got that frappuccino at Starbucks. That tasted just as good coming up as it did going down. Actually, it was delicious.
Teen boy #2: Ew…I kinda want one.
–Central Park
Young woman: Thank you so much for picking me up with my dog! No one would stop for me.
Cabbie: People who love animals love humans. If you can’t clean up the shit of a dog, how are you going to clean up the shit of humanity?
Young woman: Wow, that’s deep. I totally agree.
–18th & 3rd
Girlfriend: And ya know what? Just fuck you, okay? If that’s what you think, fuck you!
(Boyfriend sneezes)
Girlfriend: Bless you.
Boyfriend: Thank you.
Girlfriend: Awwwww… that’s the nicest conversation we’ve ever had!
–Central Park
Guy on cell: It's not like I take my ear wax, put it on my penis, and use it as lube.
–Queens
Overheard by: Jess
Friends on stoop: Bro, did you see that ass? I would lick the fart out that ass!
–19th & 6th
Middle-aged yuppie, about club in Las Vegas: And I said "here's our check, and if another pubic hair falls in our drink, you're in trouble!"
–Times Square
Overheard by: Scott
Boy in car to mom: Hey mom, what about anal leakage?
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Brenna
Guy to friend: She said she was stressed out studying for finals, I didn't realize that meant she hadn't been showering. As soon as I got there we started "hitting it". It was too late when I realized how dirty she was. Dude, I literally licked a layer of crust off her.
–3rd St b/w Ave A & B
Overheard by: saffrosun
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: How's she going to run a marathon in 60 minutes?
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, indifferently: It's impossible.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, not even those crazy black people can run that fast.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, unfazed: I know.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, I can't even drive that fast in the city!
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: Um… I hope you can go 26 miles in one hour.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: Oh, right. I'm sorry. I was thinking 60 miles an hour. It's the vodka talking. Now kiss me once nicely, without whiskers.
(two minutes later)
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I remember the first time I showered with you and I had this big snot coming out my nose.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: I remember the first time I slept with you, and farted a lot.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rick
Mother to son: Timmy, stop eating your boogers! It's disgusting!
Timmy: But it's tasty! You should try it too!
Mother, whispering: Oh, shit.
–Chelsea
Girl #1: Yeah!. I get 80 mother fucking % off!
Girl #2: Doesn’t that just make you wet?
Girl #1: No. I’m pretty sure it makes me gush.
–27 & 7
Overheard by: sf
Headline by: kerm
Runners-Up:
· “And I Know When Someone Rips Me Off Because I Get A Yeast Infection” – Dan
· “And That Is What We Call a Jew-gasm!” – Andi
· “Coupon Booklets Are Essentially Free Porn” – Matt
· “Cuidado – Piso Jugoso” – Grantankerous
· “Sam Walton Can Still Get the Girls.” – wal-mart women calendar girl
· “Sounds Like You Got 100% Off, To Me” – T Bag
