Girls

Can You Get Wednesday One-Liners from a Toilet Seat?

Girl swimming in the Hudson River: I'm afraid if I take a pee, I'll get a venereal disease!

–Hudson River & 26th St

Overheard by: Nellie

(student #1 loudly hacks up a lung, while everyone else turns around in horror)
Student #2: Whoa, what do you have, chlamydia or something?

–11th Grade English Classroom, Bushwick

Overheard by: The Teacher

Angry drunk man to bemused drunk woman: I don't wanna fuck you, okay? I'm just saying I don't have genital warts!

–Ave A & Houston

Groaning guy on corner: I really don't want crabs…

–53rd & 6th

20-something woman: Everybody has issues. They're like herpes one.

–St. Mark's

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Wednesday One-Liners Make Digital Records Of Their Humiliation

Stoned girl to tourists filming and photographing ads outside M&M store: It's an advertisement, people!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Alice

Hot woman in suit to unsuspecting family buying a knock-off purse: Don't buy that shit, you stupid fucking tourists!

–44th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: would never buy that shit

NYC punk to tourist bus: Hey, tourists! Welcome to New York! {short pause} Fuck you!

–8th & Broadway

Young thug to friend: Man, if I told you once, then I be telling you a million times. You from New York, fool. In New York, you don't be going giving no tourists directions! If they say, "where's the Empire State Building at?" you spit on them and walk the other way! Now don't you go make me be telling you again! I've had enough of you and yo' foolish ways. (couple wearing "I (heart) New York" t-shirts inch away nervously)

–Union Square

Overheard by: Glad I had a map

Suit with southern accent: Nah! That library has too many tourists.

–51 & Lexington

Overheard by: Miriam

Wednesday May Have Soiled Its One-Liners

Man on cell: She said I had to pay, so I shat in her mouth and left.

–34th & 5th

Three-year-old boy, looking overjoyed: I have to go poop!

–Store, 18th & Union Square West

Overheard by: i had to go, too!

Woman getting on train, giggling: I got a question…is there a pile of feces on this train?

–A Train

Elderly man on phone: Yesterday I coughed and shat my pants.

–3rd Ave & Fordham

Four-year-old boy, dancing: I like to move it, move it! I like to poop it, poop it!

–E 69th St McDonald's

Overheard by: Leslie

Brunette on cell: And then I told her, "hey hey, I'm not the fecal freak here. Don't go throwing poo at me." I mean really, I don't even like my own poo. I'm supposed to like hers?

–Williamsburg

Why Jackie Pushed Jill Down the Hill

20-something girl #1, outside bodega: Why are we waiting here?
20-something girl #2: How many times have I waited for you? My buckets are filled with your bullshit!

–15th St & 8th Ave, Brooklyn

But Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Excited little Asian girl, about obviously African diorama: Are those Indians?
Bored mom, paying no attention: Yeah.
Excited little Asian girl, to herself, in quiet, satisfied voice: They're Indians.

–American Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Slightly Longer Than It's Taking You to Drive Us Nuts

Friendly guy to two cute girls speaking French: Hi, where are you girls from?
Girl #1: We are from Switzerland.
Friendly guy: Oh, so you speak Swedish?
Girl #1: No, we speak French.
Friendly guy, slowly: So then, you come from France?
Girl #2: No, we come from the French-speaking part of Switzerland.
Friendly guy, confused: Oh, okay. So uh, how long did it take you to drive here?

–Burger King, W 42nd St

Why Not Just Be a Gay Politician in the South?

Snarky girl, about friend's prospective date: So, let's approach this like from a business perspective: Which option would give you the greatest return for the least amount of effort?
Hipster guy with Texan accent: Going into the bathroom, masturbating, and coming out to join a game of charades.

–Fort Washington & 180th

Felice Unger's Roommate Is the Deliciously Unshaven Olivia Madison

Girl: Yo, I wish that shower gel wasn't seasonal. I mean, I know the soap smells the same, but if someone gets a hair on my shower gel I can shrug it off. I mean, I know you're trying to move to…
Sales girl: Less packaging, yeah.
Girl: And I'm all about being green and stuff but if I'm gonna pay fourteen dollars for a little tiny chunk of soap, I don't want to throw it out because of someone's business hair being all up on it.

–Cosmetics Store, Herald Square

In My Day, We Had to Drop Acid and Stand in the Shower to Get This Effect

Guy: So it's like a waterfall with a bunch of nozzles, and as the drops fall, it creates a picture.
Girl: That's cool! So, which way does the water fall?
Guy: Down, I think.

–Gershwin Theatre

Overheard by: Dominic A.

Once I Tried Jacking Off Before the Pizza and It Totally Threw Off My Chi

Girl, saying goodbye: So what are we all doing after this?
Guy: Well, I'm going to do what I normally do–go home alone, eat a slice of pizza and jack off.

–PATH Train

Overheard by: Maria

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