On the Subway

But He’s a Major Tourist Attraction

Manic tourist lady #1: Oh wow, the front of the train. I’ve never been in FRONT before. Look! Haha! No driver!
Manic tourist lady #2: No driver? Seriously? Excuse me, sir? Who’s driving this subway?

Local looks up from paper and looks around frantically.

Manic tourist #2: Wait, seriously? Oh my God, should we get off?
Manic tourist #1: Oh, calm down. He’s just joking. We can’t get off ’til Union Square.
Local: Ma’am, I swear to God that I’m not joking. Nobody’s driving this train. I’m just as terrified as you are.
Manic tourist #2: Oh, whatever. He’s one of those New York assholes we heard about. Ignore him.

–4 train, 59th St

Overheard by: got off too

From ‘The Darwin Awards’ Outtakes

Girl: What are you doing tonight?
Guy: I gotta help a buddy at his new house. We’re gonna get some beer and fix his basement steps.
Girl: You really think that’s a good idea, drinking and repairing stairs?
Guy: Nah, I’m just kidding. We’re actually installing a new toilet.

–7 train

Overheard by: Danielle

And Was Barred from Future Proceedings

Charmer #1: I took part in my first bukkake last night.
Charmer #2: Was it great?
Charmer #1: No, I missed her eye.

–D train

Especially Since All Plantation Labor Was Air Conditioned

Woman #1, fanning herself on crowded train: It is hot.
Woman #2, also fanning herself: If this were the Underground Railroad, damn, I would have been a slave forever.

–A Train

You’re Not a Real New Yorker ‘Til You’ve Been Reprimanded by a Tranny

Toddler, screaming: Eeeeeeaaaaaeeeeeeaaaaeeeeeeee.
Tranny woman: Oh my gawd, you so need to win American Idol!
Toddler: …

–F Train

Overheard by: Faye

Your American Beer Is Like Squeezings from My Weimeraner

Man: Hey, are you guys from Germany?
Tourists: Ja?
Man: I’ll tell you one good thing about Germany — the beer, the food, and the women.
Tourist: Ja.

–N train

Overheard by: Don Willmott

It’s Not As If Bullets Hurt Him

Guy: Did you hear that the dude who shot the Pope got let go from jail?
Girl: Yeah, and the Pope forgave him and everything.
Guy: Wow, I totally want to shoot the Pope now!
Girl: Yeah, he’d probably be cool with it.

–E train

Overheard by: Gradie Smith

Someone Get Him a Manpon, STAT!

Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.

–4 train

Overheard by: Anna

Translation: Will You Marry Me?

Hobo: I’ll bet you think I spent all my money on crack and alcohol.
Guy: Probably.
Hobo: Well, you’re right. But I’ve learned my lesson. Now I want to spend your money on crack and alcohol.

–E train

One Guess, Brainiac 5

Guy #1: Sam better on his way to this meeting too.
Guy #2: Let me call the office and check if he’s left yet…Sam, what’s up, man? Where are you?

–E train

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