One-liners

Pizza dude: That guy smokes like a camel. Every 5 minutes he’s in there. He uses it as an excuse. And then it smells.

–Hotline Pizza, Bensonhurst

Woman, 30s: So I go to his apartment last night after our date, and there’s all this Jesus stuff all over. I said, “Tell me this stuff is your roommate’s.” He gives me this shocked look. Turns out he’s born again! I was so pissed; I thought I was gonna get laid…

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Ursus Standingbear

Hipster: We don’t need to go to your stupid party. We’ve got smack, man.

–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Mike Epstein

Player: Listen man, all I’ve figured out so far is that you have to stay away from the ones with tattoos on their back.

–Washington Square Park

Black guy: …it’s an endangered species! It must be preserved in a museum!

–Westway Diner, 9th Ave.

20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I'm unstoppable! I'm like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, "what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?" and I was like, "what wouldn't you do with a giant inflatable turkey?"

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Mickey

Conductor: This is the last train. You have no other options, this is it. Get on this train.

–Metro North Rail

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your feet off the seats on this train. They belong on the floor; that's why it's there. If you can't put your feet on the floor because your luggage is there, don't worry: we took care of that too. Look up. That thing above your head is a luggage rack.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Announcement on NJ transit train: If you have young children, please take them…by the hand when leaving the train.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: JerseyJR

Train conductor: This is 18th Street, if this is your stop…get up! Give up that seat!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Chris K… at 11pm

Amtrak conductor: We are experiencing engine problems and need to change trains. But I want you to know that we have lost no altitude.

–Amtrak Train

Conductor, philosophical about delayed train: We don't usually have this type of delay at this time of day. But, well, here we are… (train starts to move) Aha! Here it is!

–A Train

Overheard by: Katie J

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, do you know where you are? (passengers are silent) I do! Hudson, next stop.

–Amtrak Train, Leaving Penn Station

Middle-aged theatrical man, watching summer crowds: Ah! Manhattan in the summer… The hypnotic sway of the unfettered breast…

–Rockefeller Center

Woman on cell to friend: If I have hips this big and I haven't even had a kid, I'm getting boobs. I just want a nice round c cup!

–14th St & 10th ave

Overheard by: adam

Girl to boyfriend, after putting cell phone in her jacket: Yeah… That's not a pocket, that's my tit.

–L Train

Overheard by: TR

Guy on cell phone: What's up, biscuit-tits?

–21st St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Steve

16-year-old girl to buxom pal: Your breasts are a personal attack on me!

–F Train

Overheard by: wish i was being attacked

Blonde to other: Don't worry, within like an hour you'll have Jameson running through your system.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Girl on cell: I'm kind of hungover–I think that gin and tonic was a bad idea. I was already drunk, I don't know why I felt the need to have one… And then I went home and made scrambled eggs, and then I wrote a long email to Jen* about how good they were and then I read it this morning and I was like "I am such an idiot!"

–Broadway & Great Jones

Overheard by: Lillian

Sorority girl on cell: Well, I'm going to have some champagne, but it's not like I'm knocking back shots with the guys. (pause) Yeah, I know, I know, I'll be careful. (pause) Don't worry, mom, I've done worse drugs than drink before! (long pause) I don't want to talk about it. (long long pause) So…I'm going to go horseback riding!

–Broadway & 34th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Horsies Are Pretty

Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen! Don't run away from or by the bar! You have an hour to walk to your seats. Again, please do not run from the bar, run to it!

Wicked, Broadway

Girl to friend: I only get tipsy enough to go into the Virgin Megastore…

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Man to friend, about AA: Y'know, if I could drink like normal people, I'd get drunk every night.

–Central Park

Overheard by: John Tidyman

Girl to friend: When I told you to seize the moment I didn't know you were drunk!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Rebecca

20-something female shopkeeper to coworker, as Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" plays on the radio: Did you hear he's sick? Apparently, he's in the hospital. I know, it's crazy. Can you imagine if he dies? If he dies, that'll be, like, the most awful thing to happen to America in years!

–Pet Food Store

Overheard by: Nathalie

Suit on cell: What if Michael Jackson sucking your dick was the cure for cancer?

–8th & Broadway

Man, lighting cigarette: So what'd he die from? A sunburn?

–Chambers St. & West Broadway

Middle aged black lady on cell: If you can get Michael Jackson on a condom box it would definitely sell.

–MacDougal & 8th St

Nine-year-old boy, pointing to a newspaper article, to younger sister: Oh yeah, that guy? He was fifty. He used to be a black guy but made himself become white.

–Canal & Orchard, Chinatown

Overheard by: Lauren T.

Large tattooed man, discussing Michael Jackson: One of those kids is his; the other two can't be, they're white. They were all unofficially inseminated, though.

–Delancey & Essex

Girl on cell: Yeah…he was big. Real big. Like…it hurts big. I’m talking anaconda.

–72nd Street 1/2/3 station

Overheard by: Jennie S.

Man on cell: I’m tired, man! I been working all week. Do I have to sign the paper with my dick?…No, I’m not complainin’.

–84th & 2nd

Lady: Yo, it smells like dirty dick over here.

–Dakota Roadhouse, Park Place

Overheard by: Courtney C

Guy: Just because you’re hot and sweaty doesn’t mean you can’t have your cock hangin’ out on a Friday night.

–Houston between Eldridge & Forsyth

Women: Why does every man have to stare at my tits? Like they’ve never seen none before? Haven’t they seen their Momma’s or their wives’ or their girlfriends’? The other day a man asked me if my tits were real, I said, “Is your dick real?”.

–7th & 30th

Chickon cell: Yeah, girl, he has a turtle dick.

–M5 bus

Overheard by: Orianna Baez

Girl: Believe me, if I wanted your dick up my ass, I would have put it there myself.

–SOB’s, Varick Street