One-liners

Wednesday One-liners for the Red States

Lady: I come here every weekend. It’s my church.

–Manhattan Mall women’s bathroom

Overheard by: Dolly Lowenstein

Guy: She became a Republican to spite our father.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Woman: I really hate Bush. I can’t stand him. The world would be such a better place if he just died…But then there’s Cheney…

–6 train

Drunk guy: You wait right here, I’m going home to get my gun, I’ll be right back!

–23rd between 8th & 9th

Guy: This is the guy I got arrested with in San Antonio for pissing on the Alamo.

–LES party

Overheard by: Caz

It’s to Be Expected, Shopping There

A woman with a cart full of baby products is prompted by an old man for her receipt.

Old man: I see you are buying diapers. Any chance you would date an older man and change his diapers? Are you a school teacher?

The woman grabbed her receipt and quickly walked away.

–BJ’s, Gateway Center

Overheard by: Cathleen

Wednesday One-liners Hit Yuppietown

Hipster girl: She asked me, “Like, when you give your grandmother a bath, do you use bleach?”

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Jeremy Dawson

White girl: I know, right? If I’m gonna get fucked over, it’s gonna be by a genuine asshole, not by some pussy-ass white boy who’s not even good in bed.

–Williamsburg

Woman on cell: …is it wrong that I just kind of want to shit all over her whenever she mentions something good happening in her life?

–Bedford Avenue station

Man: All I ever want to do is hang around my apartment. Nekkid. With money taped all over me.

–Montrose Avenue station

Overheard by: K.M.

Wednesday One-liners & Missed Connections

Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor’s office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!

–34th Street station

Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud

Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What’d you think I was going to do?

–Penn Station

Player: Yo, baby. New York’s a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?

–34th & 7th

Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!

–4th Street between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Andrea Quijano

Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.

–Bensonhurst

Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You’re not drinking enough milk…from a penis!

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Victor Preuninger

Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question

Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good.

–Chambers Street station

Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!

–G train

Overheard by: J-Mo

Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!”

–Marquee, 10th & 26th

Overheard by: Katie

Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.

–190th Street station, rush hour

Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.

–L train

Duane Reade, meet Starbucks. Starbucks, have you met Duane?

Yuppie: If there are a thousand of these places in the city, why is it that nobody can name one of them?

–72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Harry Milkman

Wednesday One-liners Are Phat

Bike guy: It was like the perfect really, really big ass…

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: Katie

Fat chick on cell: Is this the Wal-Mart in Queens? Do you have thongs in extra large?

–Target elevator, Atlantic Avenue terminal

Black woman: I don’t know who those bitches were callin’ fat. Motherfuckers! Everytime I have a baby my stomach goes back down

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Karith

Fat kid: Why can’t I get another hot dog? It’s not like it’s going to make me any fatter.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Eric

Fat man: Mmmhmm…I love me some skinny gothic girls!

–Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: aryn pazornick

Fat guy: I think I want to be Jesus for Halloween this year…I would have to lose some weight though.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Jennie Tang

“Yes, that’s how the zombie identified itself.”

Girl on cell: Wait, you mean John? Like, John John?

–Astor Place

Taste the Rainbow of Wednesday One-liners

Black kid: He don’t know if he’s a fag, man. He’s at that time, you know, your body’s changing.

–Chambers Street station

Twink: Why does every gay bar smell the same?
–Urge, 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Scott Anderson

Lesbian: Then I had an epiphany: I realized I had a mullet. And I started to cry.

–17th & 6th

Dramasexual: Do you want to come up to my place and “ease on down the road”?

–1/9 train

Queer: Oh my gawd that dawg looks just like my Janet (I named her after Janet Jackson, god bless her). My dawg’s name was Janet, my cat’s name was Janet, Janet Janet Janet! And the cat was a boy, too.

–Union Square dog run

Overheard by: Lisa G.

Stand Clear of the Closing Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: The way this train is moving you’d be better off on a bicycle. Next stop is Broadway-Lafayette, where transfer to the 6 is downtown only for reasons unknown.

–F train

Overheard by: Matt

Chick: Everybody at work lives in Park Slope. They have nicknames for the subway: N stands for Never, R stands for Rarely, and W for Whatever.

–Forbes Magazine gym, 5th Avenue

Conductor: There are bathrooms located in every other train car. And again, please don’t pee on the seats people.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: Susie P

Conductor: This is the F train to Manhattan, next stop York St…by the way, you just missed your connection with the C train. When I miss my connection, it just makes me sick.

–F train

Overheard by: RMC

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