Man: Could you tell me where the self-help section is?
–Barnes and Noble, Union Square
Man: Could you tell me where the self-help section is?
–Barnes and Noble, Union Square
Lady: I come here every weekend. It’s my church.
–Manhattan Mall women’s bathroom
Overheard by: Dolly Lowenstein
Guy: She became a Republican to spite our father.
–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Woman: I really hate Bush. I can’t stand him. The world would be such a better place if he just died…But then there’s Cheney…
–6 train
Drunk guy: You wait right here, I’m going home to get my gun, I’ll be right back!
–23rd between 8th & 9th
Guy: This is the guy I got arrested with in San Antonio for pissing on the Alamo.
–LES party
Overheard by: Caz
A woman with a cart full of baby products is prompted by an old man for her receipt.
Old man: I see you are buying diapers. Any chance you would date an older man and change his diapers? Are you a school teacher?
The woman grabbed her receipt and quickly walked away.
–BJ’s, Gateway Center
Overheard by: Cathleen
Hipster girl: She asked me, “Like, when you give your grandmother a bath, do you use bleach?”
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jeremy Dawson
White girl: I know, right? If I’m gonna get fucked over, it’s gonna be by a genuine asshole, not by some pussy-ass white boy who’s not even good in bed.
–Williamsburg
Woman on cell: …is it wrong that I just kind of want to shit all over her whenever she mentions something good happening in her life?
–Bedford Avenue station
Man: All I ever want to do is hang around my apartment. Nekkid. With money taped all over me.
–Montrose Avenue station
Overheard by: K.M.
Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor’s office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!
–34th Street station
Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud
Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What’d you think I was going to do?
–Penn Station
Player: Yo, baby. New York’s a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?
–34th & 7th
Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!
–4th Street between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Andrea Quijano
Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.
–Bensonhurst
Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You’re not drinking enough milk…from a penis!
–South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Victor Preuninger
Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good.
–Chambers Street station
Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!
–G train
Overheard by: J-Mo
Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!”
–Marquee, 10th & 26th
Overheard by: Katie
Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.
–190th Street station, rush hour
Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.
–L train
Yuppie: If there are a thousand of these places in the city, why is it that nobody can name one of them?
–72nd & Columbus
Overheard by: Harry Milkman
Bike guy: It was like the perfect really, really big ass…
–Riverside Park
Overheard by: Katie
Fat chick on cell: Is this the Wal-Mart in Queens? Do you have thongs in extra large?
–Target elevator, Atlantic Avenue terminal
Black woman: I don’t know who those bitches were callin’ fat. Motherfuckers! Everytime I have a baby my stomach goes back down
–34th & 6th
Overheard by: Karith
Fat kid: Why can’t I get another hot dog? It’s not like it’s going to make me any fatter.
–Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Eric
Fat man: Mmmhmm…I love me some skinny gothic girls!
–Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: aryn pazornick
Fat guy: I think I want to be Jesus for Halloween this year…I would have to lose some weight though.
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Jennie Tang
Girl on cell: Wait, you mean John? Like, John John?
–Astor Place
Black kid: He don’t know if he’s a fag, man. He’s at that time, you know, your body’s changing.
–Chambers Street station
Twink: Why does every gay bar smell the same?
–Urge, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Scott Anderson
Lesbian: Then I had an epiphany: I realized I had a mullet. And I started to cry.
–17th & 6th
Dramasexual: Do you want to come up to my place and “ease on down the road”?
–1/9 train
Queer: Oh my gawd that dawg looks just like my Janet (I named her after Janet Jackson, god bless her). My dawg’s name was Janet, my cat’s name was Janet, Janet Janet Janet! And the cat was a boy, too.
–Union Square dog run
Overheard by: Lisa G.
