One-liners

Wednesday One-liners Have Their Boarding Passes Ready

Tourist mom: First the Muppets took Manhattan, now us!

–Marriott Marquis, Times Square

Overheard by: G. Star

Tourist lady: What floor are the Renaissance paintings on?

–MoMA

Guy: …it’s the same as terrorism. If we’re against terrorism, then we’re against tourism.

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: B. Howard

Tourist guy: I’ll have two of your ordinary coffees for purchase.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Penn Station

Overheard by: devila

Aussie woman: Excuse me…Can you tell me how to get to Greenwich Village?

–5th Avenue & 8th Street

Tourist lady: …and then we went to that big church. You know, the big one? St. Peter’s. The one the Kennedys went to. It’s on 5th street. It’s, like, the largest church in the world or something.

–Central Park East

Tourist guy: Oh, we definitely saw all the important things in the city today. I think the best was F.O.A. Schwartz though.

–Mulberry Street

Overheard by: Bernie Mc

Tourist guy: Hey, is that Central Park?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Chris Ghirardi

Tourist chick: Hey, is that Central Park?

–42nd & 6th

Overheard by: Beks

Tourist boy: Mom! We’re almost at double-u twenty-four street!

–M20 bus

Girl on cell: Let’s wear matching polo shirts and film each other eating with handheld digital cameras! Oh sorry, I’m in Times Square, and I was beginning to think that kind of behavior was normal.

–Times Square

Teen tourist boy: This ain’t no Chinatown. Shit.

–Broadway & Broome

Overheard by: Aileen Gallagher

Wednesday One-liners Mispronounce Zoology

Woman: Oh my god, I love my cat. My cat is my reason for living. My cat is like a dog, only in cat form…

–34th & 8th

Hawker guy: AM New York! The rooster of newspapers! Find out why I’m a cock-a-doodle-do-ing!

–42nd & Lexington

Suit on cell: I can’t wait to get back to Boston. This town is like an elephant graveyard for my exes. Yeah, instead of elephants, all my exes come here to rest.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Matt Murdock

Girl: I hit a firefly driving up there and my windshield was all gooey, slimy and shiny…so I thought of you.

–Washington Square

Queer: Ohmigod, I thought that was the ugliest baby in the world, but it’s a bulldog.

–West 4th & Cornelia

Overheard by: Raphael

Girl: I’ve never been pooped on. At least not by a bird.

–71st & 1st

Guy: …yes, I’m going to put that in my octopus.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Jenny + Pete

Girl: Whoa, it smells like hamster piss right here.

–1st & 1st

Teen boy: Man, next time I see him, it’s over. I’ll throw worms on his ass if I have to.

–Fordham Road

Crazy guy: Want to see my website? It’ll cost you. Want to see it? $100. Naw, you don’t have that sort of money. I need to jazz it up. It has pictures of dead animals on it.

–D train

Overheard by: Taybin Rutkin

It Took Us a Minute to Get It Too

Man: Could you tell me where the self-help section is?

–Barnes and Noble, Union Square

Wednesday One-liners for the Red States

Lady: I come here every weekend. It’s my church.

–Manhattan Mall women’s bathroom

Overheard by: Dolly Lowenstein

Guy: She became a Republican to spite our father.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Woman: I really hate Bush. I can’t stand him. The world would be such a better place if he just died…But then there’s Cheney…

–6 train

Drunk guy: You wait right here, I’m going home to get my gun, I’ll be right back!

–23rd between 8th & 9th

Guy: This is the guy I got arrested with in San Antonio for pissing on the Alamo.

–LES party

Overheard by: Caz

It’s to Be Expected, Shopping There

A woman with a cart full of baby products is prompted by an old man for her receipt.

Old man: I see you are buying diapers. Any chance you would date an older man and change his diapers? Are you a school teacher?

The woman grabbed her receipt and quickly walked away.

–BJ’s, Gateway Center

Overheard by: Cathleen

Wednesday One-liners Hit Yuppietown

Hipster girl: She asked me, “Like, when you give your grandmother a bath, do you use bleach?”

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Jeremy Dawson

White girl: I know, right? If I’m gonna get fucked over, it’s gonna be by a genuine asshole, not by some pussy-ass white boy who’s not even good in bed.

–Williamsburg

Woman on cell: …is it wrong that I just kind of want to shit all over her whenever she mentions something good happening in her life?

–Bedford Avenue station

Man: All I ever want to do is hang around my apartment. Nekkid. With money taped all over me.

–Montrose Avenue station

Overheard by: K.M.

Wednesday One-liners & Missed Connections

Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor’s office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!

–34th Street station

Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud

Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What’d you think I was going to do?

–Penn Station

Player: Yo, baby. New York’s a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?

–34th & 7th

Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!

–4th Street between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Andrea Quijano

Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.

–Bensonhurst

Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You’re not drinking enough milk…from a penis!

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Victor Preuninger

Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question

Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good.

–Chambers Street station

Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!

–G train

Overheard by: J-Mo

Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!”

–Marquee, 10th & 26th

Overheard by: Katie

Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.

–190th Street station, rush hour

Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.

–L train

Duane Reade, meet Starbucks. Starbucks, have you met Duane?

Yuppie: If there are a thousand of these places in the city, why is it that nobody can name one of them?

–72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Harry Milkman

Wednesday One-liners Are Phat

Bike guy: It was like the perfect really, really big ass…

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: Katie

Fat chick on cell: Is this the Wal-Mart in Queens? Do you have thongs in extra large?

–Target elevator, Atlantic Avenue terminal

Black woman: I don’t know who those bitches were callin’ fat. Motherfuckers! Everytime I have a baby my stomach goes back down

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Karith

Fat kid: Why can’t I get another hot dog? It’s not like it’s going to make me any fatter.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Eric

Fat man: Mmmhmm…I love me some skinny gothic girls!

–Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: aryn pazornick

Fat guy: I think I want to be Jesus for Halloween this year…I would have to lose some weight though.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Jennie Tang

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