Chick #1: I should go to sleep earlier. I want to, but for some reason I just can’t.
Chick #2, reading: Uh-huh.
Chick #1: I should also kill my roommate. I desperately want to, but I don’t think prison would agree with me. I don’t want to be someone’s bitch.
Chick #2, still reading: Uh-huh.
Chick #1: Are you even listening to me?
Chick #2, exasperated: What the hell do you want?!
–NYU
20-something guy #1: I used to fuck guys like you in prison.
20-something guy #2: Please. If you had been to prison I don’t think that you would have been the one doing the fucking.
20-something guy #1: I guess that’s true.
20-something chick: Fucking morons.
–Delancey & Orchard
Overheard by: Bang-Around Bob
Nu-metal kid: Man, I haven’t been arrested in so long!
–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Barrie
Teen boy commandeering speaker: Next stop: Riker’s Island.
–Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Victoria
Black tranny to another: Honey, that’s the worst thing you can be called up in jail!
–Christopher & Greenwich St.
Overheard by: Walking away even faster
Ghetto mom on phone: If you report it they’ll have to arrest the both of us.
–Cablevision office, Brooklyn
Middle-aged wankster: Yo, I rubbed ‘Get Money Oil’ on my apron one time, and that week I got fired from fuckin’ three jobs and I got fuckin’ arrested! Don’t fuckin’ mess with witchcraft!
–Coldstone, 6th Avenue
Overheard by: rpk
Old teacher: Teaching tenth grade isn’t so bad. By that time the rotten ones don’t bother to show up or they’re already in jail.
–E train
Overheard by: jobee
White, mid-40s nerd petting dog: You know, I think it’s really funny how a guy can pet a dog and everyone thinks he’s the nicest guy in the world, but the second he does it to a stranger on the street, they wanna lock him in jail.
–Marquet Cafe, E 12th St.
Overheard by: Grace
Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?
–Mottsu Soho
Overheard by: J
Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?
–Canal St
Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.
–B Train
Overheard by: Jamie Paquette
Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.
–Chelsea Station Post Office
Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.
–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School
Overheard by: cherry
Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!
–Barracuda
Woman on cell: Hey, Jane*, in case I get thrown in jail tonight you have the money for bail, right?
–44th & 8th
Guy on cell: They said I’d be looking at a $10,000 fine and six months in jail, but they didn’t take my name. I figure if people aren’t out wandering the streets looking for me, I’m okay.
–M15 bus
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Blond yuppie on cell: That’s so cute! But did he really just get out of jail?
–Central Park
Chick: How much for a ride?
Hansom guy: 45 dollars.
Lady cop: This is the last time I’m going to tell you, get off this street with this horse. If I see you one more time on this street I’m taking the horse and I’m locking you up! You hear me? I’ll take this horse and I’ll lock you up!
Hansom guy: Ha, ha! Fuckin’ bitch.
–50th & 5th
Chick: Yeah, this book, Lions and Witches and shit; I like to read weird shit and send it to my boyfriend in jail.
–2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Amanda Morante
