Black guy: I just really don’t wanna go to prison in Africa.
White guy: Of course. And, if at any time you feel like that might be a possibility, the operation comes to a close. I value you and your sweet virgin ass and unslit throat over some cheap pot.
Black guy: That’s how I know you’re a real friend.
–Parking lot, LaGuardia
Overheard by: slightly confused
Very preppy chick #1: I wouldn’t want to work at a minimum-security prison. Those people scare me.
Very preppy chick #2: Whatever. Think of all the things we’ve done that we could’ve gone to minimum-security prison for.
Very preppy chick #1: Okay, good point.
–Dallas BBQ, 23rd & 8th
Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.
–90th & Amsterdam Ave
Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom…and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.
–South Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: smfd
Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Oh really
Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.
–W 26th & 8th
Overheard by: Katie_AK
Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!
–6 Train
Overheard by: Adriana
Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Taryn
Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility… I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?
–Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island
Male cop: My brother got taken in for rape this morning. To jail.
Female cop: Yeah, one of my kids was arrested last week.
(both laugh)
–42nd St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Lynne
Loud dude: I think nap time should be enforced by the government. Anyone who doesn't take a nap should be sent to jail.
Friend: Yeah, nap jail!
–D Train
Professor: In 10 years, I want to have just been released from jail. I lived in a 5×5 cell, but I’m really fit ’cause I learned Pilates. I’m also an expert in the tango. I practiced in jail by myself, of course, but once I find a girl to dance with I’ll be the best tango dancer in the world. I’ll also be able to heal people.
–Gallatin School Building, NYU
Overheard by: Moonlit
Gangsta: What was I saying?
Super preppie, impatiently: So you were in the handcuffs…
–6th Ave & 8th St
Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"
–Fulton St
Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!
–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn
Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.
–Downtown 2 Train
Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!
–10th & 53rd
Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.
–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Bryan Bruner
Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.
–Metro-North Rail Tracks
Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice
Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!
–Broadway
Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez
Black guy #1: Lady, don’t sit next to that man, he’s got aids, motherfucker.
Black guy #2: Who you talkin’ bout aids? I went to prison for ten years and I don’t have no aids. Peace, brother.
Black guy #1: I tell you he got aids, motherfucker!
Black guy #2: Peace, brother, peace.
Black guy #1: Aids, motherfucker!
–PATH Train
Cop: All right guy, you have two options–
Old man: Let me guess, you gonna lock me up? Man, I go to jail like summer camp.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Toon
