Stall Spies

To the Extent You Have Such a Thing

Guy #1, at urinal: Yo, that chick who came with Nancy — smokin’.
Guy #2, in stall: Yeah, bro. Anna. I tagged the shit out of her once in her parents’ house in Long Island.
Guy #1: No fucking way! You’re such a douchebag.
Guy #2: I’m serious, man. It was kind of awkward and shit… I kept slipping off the bed — it was tough to get in position.
Guy #1: Damn, you were that wasted?!
Guy #2: Nah, man, it was on her little brother’s bed. He had rubber sheets and shit.
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: He’s like a perpetual bed-wetter or some shit. Her bedroom was right next to her parents’… Totally fucked up my style.

–Bathroom, Sutton Place Bar

Overheard by: Cuthbert

Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Potty

Man leaving bathroom stall: I did it my way!

–420 5th Ave

Loud 12-year-old girl in stall, screaming to friends by the sinks: Is it bad that my pee is, like, foamy?

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jenn

Young girl exiting porta-potty: I feel sick. I guess I shouldn’t have looked down.

–Prospect Park

Kid in stall: Dad, I’m peeing with one hand behind my back and my eyes closed!

–Toys ‘R’ Us

Overheard by: Sean Bogart

Woman running into bathroom: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have to pee! [Enters stall] Phew! Come on… [Starts peeing, then sighs] Oh, thank you, dear Lord, for this glorious opportunity!

–Staten Island Ferry terminal

Overheard by: amila, NOT the Lord

Girl in stall, answering cell: Hello? What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I was totally masturbating when you called.

–Union Square

Try a Different City

Hot lesbian #1: Come on, this girl is taking forever!
Hot lesbian #2: If I lift up my clit I can pee standing up…
Straight Asian dude trying to come in: Um…
Hot lesbian #3: Excuse me! Some people are trying to use the urinal! Could we have some privacy in here or what?

–Men’s room, lesbian bar

Overheard by: projectilepee

And I Might Care If I Weren’t Too Busy Cutting Coke

Druggie chick in stall #1: Yo, Keesha, does your door have a lock on it?
Druggie chick in stall #2: No, they took them off so we can’t blow coke in here anymore.
Druggie chick in stall #1: What?! That has to be illegal… I’m, like, totally open to rape right now!

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Allison

She Puts the “Pat” in Patent Law Class

Girl #1: Uh… This is the women’s restroom, right?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: This is the women’s restroom, right?
Girl #2: Yeah. Why?
Girl #1: There was just a guy in here!
Girl #3: No… that’s a woman.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #3: Yeah, she’s in my class.

–NYU

Headline by: Brady

Runners-Up:

· “Does She Always Stand While She Pees?” – Hobo Whisperer

· “Hermaphrodites 101” – Sami

· “Janet Reno: The College Years” – International Man of Leisure

· “Just because I’m washing my hands, doesn’t mean I can’t hear you.” – aaron Stephenson


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

But If You’d Like to Purge, I’ve Got a Clip for Your Hair

Jessie: Tammy, do you think I’m fat? [Silence.] Tammy!
Tammy: What?
Jessie: Do you think I got fat?
Tammy: … Honestly, Jessie, every guy I have hooked up with says he doesn’t like skinny girls.

–Bathroom, Town Tavern, W 3rd & 6th

Overheard by: Flanked In Stalls, St Patty’s genius

But That’s a Cocktail Stirrer

Girl #1: Here, take it.
Girl #2: I really don’t think this is necessary…
Girl #1: But you missed your period. And you’re all pukey. Don’t you want to know?
Girl #2: But I don’t think I am.
Girl #1: Well, I can’t date him until we know he’s not your baby daddy!
Girl #2: Start dating him! It’s fine. I don’t think I am!
Girl #1: Will you just pee on the fucking stick?!

–Bathroom, bar, Williamsburg

I Was Having a Near-Life Experience

Rich girl #1: Do you remember that time in Saratoga when I thought you were dead?
Rich girl #2: Yeah, but I wasn’t.

–Ladies’ room, Mall

Overheard by: Wishing She Had Been

The Idea Seems So Tawdry Now That I’m Peeing

Drunk redhead: Oh my god. I totally tore Hannah’s shirt tonight. I can’t believe I did that.
Friend in stall: Oh, she doesn’t even care, don’t worry about it.
Drunk redhead: But that was a new shirt! No one had ever worn it before, and now I ripped it. I was going to tell her to make up a crazy sex story about how it got torn, but I don’t know now.

–Restroom, Brother Jimmy’s, 80th & Amsterdam

I Told You to Buy the Maintenance Contract

Girl #1: It got on my vagina! Now, that’s fucking nasty! I have to go home now and wash off my vagina!
Girl #2: Well, of course if you go in there at the same time and try to pee it’s going to get on your vagina. Calm down.
Girl #1: I can’t calm down! I can’t believe it’s all over my fucking vagina!

–Bathroom, LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Sara Swank

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