Chick in stall: Would you ever eat cereal out of my mouth?
Friend in next stall: Well, if I had that background music… Yeah, sure.
–Bathroom, Joe’s Pub
Chick in stall: Would you ever eat cereal out of my mouth?
Friend in next stall: Well, if I had that background music… Yeah, sure.
–Bathroom, Joe’s Pub
Woman: …Then they gave him enemas until it ran clear. Now he hasn’t had a movement in three days. Should I be worried?
–Subway
Suit: Yeah, I just left a floater in the upstairs bathroom.
–44th & 3rd
Ambiguously gay actor: Flowers come out. Girls do not poop, ever. Ever!
–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU
Overheard by: a girl who poops
Freshman chick: I am so not in the mood to take a shit right now.
–Restroom, Hunter College
Cherubic blonde chick to another: You know that ‘BM’ means poop, right?
–Metropolitan Museum of Art
Suit-in-training: Oh, yeah, I do have to take a shit — I forgot.
–NYU Stern Building
Guy waiting for stall: Let’s go gang, push it out! We gotta go out here!
–Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: KeeZ
Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].
–Metro North
Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!
–A Train
Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!
–A Train
Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest…
–33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!
–Madison Square Garden Bathroom
Toddler boy: I don’t need to go anymore.
Dad: I just waited in line for ten minutes. You better fart or something.
–Public bathroom, Coney Island
Overheard by: Ronnie Saha
Drunk fan: Martin Brodeur fucked his sister-in-law.
Sober pisser: That’s worse than OJ Simpson.
Drunk fan: Yeah, he’s French Canadian.
–Madison Square Garden bathroom
Overheard by: TrueBlue
Preppy guy #1: How was that bar in Midtown?
Preppy guy #2: Dude, it was awesome… It was full of hot chicks.
Preppy guy #1: If it was so great, why did you text me eight times in one hour and are now standing next to me pissing at this bar?
–Restroom, Delancey Bar
Overheard by: Al
Stall #1: [Fart.]Stall #2: Who are you?
Stall #1: [Fart.]Stall #2: Thanks.
–Men’s room, CCNY
Girl #1: I like your pants.
Girl #2: Thanks.
Girl #1: You don’t happen to have any percocets in them?
–Barnes and Noble ladies’ room, 48th & 5th
Guy: Is it just me, or does being sick make you really horny?
Girl: I’m pretty sure it’s just you.
Guy: Oh. Well that may be because I’m just really horny all the time.
Girl: Then get away from me and watch some pornos.
Guy: I don’t think that’s the remedy I had in mind.
Random guy: There’s no shame in masturbating, my brotha. It’s totally natural. Hell, I do it all the time. I just did it five minutes ago in the Starbucks bathroom.
Girl: Run!
–Union Square
Overheard by: was on my way to Starbucks until I heard this!
Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I’m stuck!
–Indian restaurant
Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!
–Staten Island Ferry
Guy in stall: I’m an atheist! I’m an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power!
–NYC Main Library
Trendy girl in stall: The toilet’s trying to eat my ass!
–Morimoto
Overheard by: I’d say give a spit polish more than eat
50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom… I had to pee-pee, so I’m in the bathroom at Barney’s… Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she’d have to get a biopsy… Hold on while I wipe.
–Barney’s
Overheard by: Caryn
