Scared tourist #1, whispering: Did that crazy guy just say his dick was bigger than my heart?
Scared tourist #2, whispering back: I think he said his dick was bigger than yours.
Crazy guy: I said my dick is bigger than your heart.
–A train
Overheard by: Mike
Tourist: New York City is the only place in the country that does not have right on red. It doesn't make sense.
Impatient New Yorker chick: Because you'd never get off the sidewalk.
Tourist (in a condescending way): Lady, right on red is for cars. Not for people. (rolls eyes)
–42nd & Broadway
Tourist #1: Isn't it smurf that when you talk like a smurf people still smurf what you want to smurf?
Tourist #2: What?
–Times Square
Loud, blue-haired girl: Of course! I always pee in the shower!
Tourist: … Is that one of those pixies you were talking about?
Local: Yeah. That was a pixie girl. The city’s full of them.
–8th & 4th
Tourist mom with mullet, trying to take a picture of cute five-year old boy: Stand by the testicles, honey. Stand by the balls!
–Wall Street Bull
Overheard by: oh tourists
Suit to street vendor: You spend the money and get blue balls…
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Colin
Guy on cell: Fucking shit! What the fuck? This fucking shit is fucking messed up! (pause) Whatever, mommy… just get me a large, it'll give me more room for my balls.
–97th St & Madison Ave
Big guy in chair on sidewalk to friend: So, I ate a pair of balls last night. Lamb balls. Hot and spicy.
–Heath St & 231st St
Overheard by: Km
Ghetto man to Dunkin' Donuts cashier: Yo, how much is da balls?
–W 148th & Broadway
Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D…B…Q…Penn Station…D–
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.
–F train
Overheard by: Cole Couture
Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.
–1 train
Overheard by: Hayley
Man: This won’t do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.
At the next stop most of the car clears out.
Man: That’s what I’m talking about.
–A train
A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.
Hispanic girl: You’re always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why’s it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!
–C train
Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor’s booth and asked: Is that the bathroom?
–A train
Teenage tourist #1: Why are American toilets so dirty?
Teenage tourist #2: Because people want to sue.
–Broome Street, Bathroom Line
Overheard by: The Messenger
Jersey tourist: It's so confusing that on the train first goes Newark Penn Station followed by New York Penn Station.
New Yorker: It's to weed out the weak.
–Mulberry Street
Fat tourist: Exactly, like, I know Disney trivia, but of course I don't know general trivia.
–Ellis Island
Overheard by: Cat
Female tourist with Irish accent, reading leaflet: Jaysas lads, it only took them 14 months to build this, I wonder if it's okay like.
–Empire State Building
Overheard by: joanie
Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!
–Outside Empire State Building
Overheard by: Duppy
Tourist: Where do they keep the cemeteries around here?
–Next to St. Paul's Cemetery/Church
Female tourist: Oh my god, I can't believe we're on the 6… Just like J.Lo.
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Courtney C.
Overzealous British tourist father, pointing at map: Okay, everyone. We're passing by Madison Square Gardens. They must be lovely at this time of year. We're on the Metropolitan Line, see? The Met Line. Just like in London. We're going to get off at Rector Street. It's the last stop before Brooklyn, so if we miss our stop, we'll be in Brooklyn, and we don't want that! Look, now there are no more numbers. When there are no more numbers in the station names, that means we're at the bottom of the underground. Oh, look, it's Chinatown. This is where all the orientals get off.
–R Line
Overheard by: office peon is one of those Orientals…
Female tourist: Know what? Fuck it, I just want to go back to my hotel room and take a shit.
–Canal St
Tourist on shuttle headed towards Grand Central: I'm sorry, how do I get to Times Square?
Guy: Take this train two stops.
–Times Square
