Tourists

Wednesday One-Liners Say “Toro, Toro, Taxi!”

Little girl to father, about pedestrian sign: But I don't want to be a pedestrian! I want to be famous!

–17th & Irving

(pedestrians are crossing when they aren't supposed to. One almost gets hit by a taxi)
Female traffic cop to taxi driver: Next time, just go ahead and run them over.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: momes

Homeless man directing traffic in middle of street: I killed 20,000 people, I ain't afraid of no car! I killed 20,000 people, I ain't afraid of no car!

–Jerry Orbach St

Gangster walking in front of Range Rover: Fuck it, if I'ma getting hit by a car, I'ma getting hit by a nice car.

–Broadway & Houston

Tourist driving car: I don't give a fuck if you own the world! I'm running your ass over!

–Financial District

Overheard by: lex

Wednesday One-liners Are Unclean…Unclean!

Girl: I can assure you…that at my apartment…there will be soap!

–39th & 6th

Janet Reno Day One-Liners

Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don't like you! Don't you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!

–176th & Broadway

Overheard by: emily d.

Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good-looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!

–Midtown Bar

Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?

–Broadway & 13th St

Hugs, Not Wednesday One-Liners

20-something to friend: If I didn't do so many drugs, I could probably afford to go skiing and shit like that.

–Williamsburg

Art school student: If I can stop doing heroin, I can do anything!

–Outside School of Visual Arts

Tourist guy to tourist friends: Yeah, I remember when he went to school on shrooms, and then he went to the principal and told him that he was on shrooms.

–40th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Bones Jones

Father to daughter: Don't say "no" to drugs. Say "no, thank you."

–45th St & 5th Ave

Blonde Catholic schoolgirl: Maybe after we pop the E we'll roll over to 149th Street.

–Q88 Bus

Why New Yorkers Are Always Going Underground

Little girl: What’s that, mommy?
She points to double-decker site-seeing tourist bus.
Mom: That’s what the tourists use to look at us.

–46 & 8th

Careful– They Break Their Boy-Toys

20-something male tourist: What's the crowd like here?
20-something male New Yorker: Random cougars.

–Line at Club, Meatpacking District

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that's how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die.

–Fordham University

20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It's like an elevator, but opposite.

–N Train

Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me.

–Astoria

20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn't fall down an elevator shaft?

–F Train

If You've Ever Had Kimchi, You'd Understand.

Old lady tourist: Excuse me sir, do you know where the Chinatown is?
Flaming gay Asian guy: Yeah. It's downtown. Just follow the smell, girl… Follow that smell!

–Canal St

Overheard by: InShock

The First 31 Years Were Just a Blip

Tourist #1: I want a soda, but I don’t see it on the menu.
Tourist #2: They don’t have soda here?
Tourist #3: I don’t see any drinks on the menu at all.
Tourist #1: This place’ll never make it without soda.

–Carnegie Deli, 54th & 7th

Overheard by: Sitting at the table next to them, three feet away

I Missed My Stop Again?

Tourist #1: Wait, where are we?
Skater kid: Fuckin’ Earth man, fucking Earth.
Tourist #2: Wait, where?

–Bethesda Fountain, Central Park

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