Tourists

I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash

Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e’rybody!

–4 train

Overheard by: Not Me

Headline by: VeggieGirl

Runners-Up:
· “As If We Need to Import That or Something” – gib
· “I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake” – Ken H.
· “Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!” – Fleetline
· “She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa.” – Redneck Jedi
· “Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle” – The Heiress

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Can One Ever Have Enough Over-the-Calf Heroin?

Dude #1: We should have stayed in Midtown.
Dude #2: Why? All you can do there is buy socks and drugs.

–Spring & Broadway

Overheard by: Alisa!

Some Pussy Farts Are Less Savory Than Others

Female tourist #1: What I hate is that they even put food coloring in cat food. And then when my kitty farts–
Female tourist #2: –You can tell where Fluffy’s been sitting.

–R train

Overheard by: Brian

NYC Rules Require Me to Fuck with You

Blonde tourist #1: I think we have plenty of time before our train leaves. What time is it?
Blonde tourist #2: I have no idea. My cell phone is dead. [To passing suit] Um, sir? Do you know what time it is?
Suit, rolling his eyes up at huge clock, then at blondes: Nope.

–Grand Central info booth with four-sided clock on top

Overheard by: Matt

Butt Light?

Grumpy tourist father: I’m gonna stick that Shirley Temple where the sun don’t shine!
Tourist son: But I have light in my butt!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: supersillious

Yeah, We Make New Yorkers Look Like Teacup Poodles

Black guy: Where you from?
Tourist: Maryland.
Black guy: Cool. I’ve seen The Wire. I know how you guys get down.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Alex

Also Her Position on Immigration Reform

(in front of the steps of The Metropolitan Museum of Art)
Tourist: Excuse me, do you know where The Met is?
Pissed off local woman: Walk seven blocks that way, take a left and walk four blocks.
(tourist walks away)
Pissed off local woman to friend: The next time someone asks me that, I’m giving them directions to the Bronx.

–82nd & 5th

Overheard by: olivia

I Don't Argue With People Carrying Guns

Cop holding machine gun: Where you from?
Tourist: England.
Cop (in terrible British accent): Smashing! Brilliant!
Tourist: Um… Yeah.

–City Hall

So Probably Was Just Very Tan

Black New Yorker guy and two white tourist ladies have a lengthy conversation about different places to visit in NYC.

Black guy: Okay, ladies, this is my stop. Bye!
White tourist lady #1: Bye! Have a great day! [To friend, as man departs at Astor Place] I didn’t feel threatened by him at all. He was actually a very nice man.

–6 train

We Prefer to Think of Wednesday One-Liners as “Found Art”

Girl on cell: So I bought this air conditioner for my living room, and it's entirely too large for me to install by myself, because it weighs 78 lbs. No, seriously, I cannot even get it out of the box. I know–for the time being I'm just referring to it as a Duchamp "readymade." Ew! Don't you call me bohemian!

–19th & 6th

Art professor: You should look at Picasso and Matisse. These people will be more important to you than your family. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he's dead now.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: traPt

Lawyer to friend, about Vincent van Gogh: You know, I could have gotten him disability.

–Van Gogh Exhibit, MoMA

Woman, discussing gallery: It was all modern stuff–but not, like, the kind of modern art that children can do.

–20th & 5th

Tourist boy: You can see his penis! It's not art if you can see his penis!

–Petrie Court, Metropolitan Museum of Art

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