Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

It’s Tentatively Titled Bride of Cluckie

Drunk Irish man: So, your screenplay is about a paralyzed chicken?
Blonde tween: No, it’s about a boy who makes his whole family paralyzed, including his chicken.

–6th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Soiled Eve

It’s Important to Have Witnesses

Dude #1: Yo, I really gotta stop whackin’ off.
Dude #2: Nah, chill. I do it all the time, man.
Dude #1: Like, at home?
Dude #2: Nah, in the school bathroom.

–Union Square

Regardless, It’s a Great Country Western Song

Woman #1: Wait… So what happened to her?
Woman #2: Well, first she got pregnant, then she got divorced, and then she died.
Woman #1: Oh… Really?
Woman #2: I think…

–Union Square

What They Don’t Love: Heat and Dignity

Girl: Did you just litter?
Friend who just dropped Starbucks cup: Yeah, but it’s okay. The homeless love to clean up trash. They get money for it.

–7th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: JB

Miss Hilton’s Publicist Keeps His Finger on the Pulse

Girl #1: Britney really needs to stop showing her hoo-ha all over Hollywood.
Girl #2: Seriously. If I see one more picture of her vag, I’ll vomit.
Girl #1: What, her mother didn’t teach her to put on panties?
Girl #2: Or get out of a car without showing her cooter?
Girl #3: I was on Perez Hilton dot com the other day, and they fully had pictures of her in all her glory.
Girl #2: Oh my god, was it bald? I heard it actually looked nice and neat.
Girl #3: Yeah, I guess it was okay. One of the nicer ones I’ve seen.
Guy at next table on cell: What? … Oh, sorry honey. No, I’m paying attention to you. I’m just at Starbucks, and some girls were, uh… talking really loud at the next table.

–Starbucks, Union Square

Although Their Parents Stopped Them, Burr and Hamilton Never Forgot Their Plans

Preppy boy #1: Let’s fight to the death!
Preppy boy #2: Okay, I’ll go get my gun!

–6th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: courtney

‘Tis the Season for Forced Jollity

Two ghetto carolers: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way… [To three other carolers] Hey! Fuckin’ sing! You’re not singing, and we’re supposed to make people fuckin’ happy and shit.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Tex Morgan

They’re Even Worse

Tourist hubby: Excuse me, how can I get to Broadway?
New Yorker: Take the A, C, L, J, or Z downtown — remember, downtown — all the way to Broadway Junction. It’s fairly far, but you can’t miss it.
Tourist wifey: Wow, New Yorkers are not the assholes people say they are.

–Union Square subway station

Overheard by: Ting

Passport and Visa — Both in Order?

Man #1: Can you tell me where I can get the F train to Brooklyn from here?
Man #2: Are you sure you want to do that?

–Union Square

Overheard by: alexandra

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