Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in “Daddy done did it” or B, as in “bad boy Bobby Brown” train.

–C train, 59th St

Conductor: This is a Brooklyn bound B train. Like bitch.

–B train

Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.

–Uptown A train

Overheard by: la di da

Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue.

–N train, Astoria

Overheard by: trying to shake off a Red Lobster feast

Conductor: Thank you for riding the C train and remember: smile and the world smiles with you.

–C train

Overheard by: NYGirlieGirl

Conductor: You can switch to the A train across the platform. However, I would much rather you stay on this train.

–Downtown C train, 14th St

Overheard by: alxie

Conductor: This train is very crowded. If you cannot fit, please step back and wait for the next train. If you manage to get onto this very crowded train, look at the person next to you and tell them, “Howdy!”

–Queens bound F train

Conductor: Step in and stand clear of the good news.

–F train, 34th St

Overheard by: prairiesquid

Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.

–A train

Overheard by: english dude

Conductor: This is 175th Street. This is an A train to…This is an A train to… to nothing! Hey, does anyone know where we’re going?

–A train, 175th St

Overheard by: Brown Eyed Girl

Conductor: All right, there’s a 3 train across the platform. Hurry up and make your connection, people. Get to steppin’, get to steppin’!

–1 train, Times Square

Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o’ the closing doors o’ my choo-choo!

–PATH train