Hipster to friend: Sometimes I feel like jumping into a bush, curling up into a ball, and punching everything.
Passerby: I dig that.
–Sheep’s Meadow
Overheard by: lenty
Hipster to friend: Sometimes I feel like jumping into a bush, curling up into a ball, and punching everything.
Passerby: I dig that.
–Sheep’s Meadow
Overheard by: lenty
Mother: Honey, what is wrong with your eyes?
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: You look like you have allergies.
Teen daughter: I am stoned.
Mother: Maybe it’s pink eye.
–Central Park
Woman to friend: It just wasn’t what they imagined when they dreamed of going to jail.
–5th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: MK
LA bimbette to another: I think, like, everyone I know has been arrested. I mean, like, who hasn’t been charged with a drunk and disorderly at least once?
–R train
Chick to friend: Yeah, he got a lot of gold chains, but that’s an investment… That’s bail.
–Bus, Port Authority
Guy leaving subway: Hey, baby, I’m home! One more day and I’m not in jail!
–Subway entrance, 125th St
Overheard by: Leaving Harlem
Teen thug: Man, I never had to spend Valentine’s Day with my mom… If her boyfriend wasn’t in jail she wouldn’t be bothering me.
–Eastern Pkwy Library
Chick to boyfriend: So, that’s what you learned in prison?
–Central Park
A woman and four fancifully-dressed little kids are waiting to cross the street.
Little girl: Can’t we cross the streeet? What are we waiting for?!
Stressed mom: Your father. Remember? The guy you want to be cremated with?
–72nd & Central Park West
Overheard by: Elm City Lass
Chinese mother holding plate of free rice: Do you like rice, girls?
Little girls: Of course we like rice, we’re Chinese!
Chinese mother: I know you’re Chinese. I am Chinese, too.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Non-Chinese Rice-Lover
Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there.
Hot girl: Um, do I know you?
Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly…
Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don’t you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.]Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers…
–Central Park
Overheard by: well I LOVE New Yorkers
Queer: If I just go home and not to the gym tonight, I’ll just get fatter.
Fag hag: I thought you said you don’t have any food at your apartment.
Queer: Regardless — fat will find a way.
–E 59th & 5th
Overheard by: Joel
Man #1: So, I was just chillin’ out on my porch relaxing when all of a sudden the retarded kid across the street comes out of his house gently yanking his dick, then goes calmly back inside!
Man #2: Where were his parents?
Man #1: Out at the store. He’s old enough to watch himself. But get this — five minutes later he comes out again like a bat out of hell, wearing nothing but a ski hat and winter gloves, jacking off like crazy!
Man #2: What the fuck?!
Man #1: Then, when his parents get back I tell them what happened and his dad tells me, ‘Hmmm, he usually does that on the back porch…’
–Central Park
Patient camp counselor: Instead of punching Timmy* next time, can you think of a better solution to your problem?
Sullen six-year-old: Yes. Next time I’m going to rip all his hairs out.
Patient camp counselor: Assuming that ripping hair out is camp-inappropriate, what’s something else you could do?
Sullen six-year-old: Fine, then. I’ll rip out his eyeballs and piss on his face.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Glad I’m on his good side
Girlfriend: I don’t know, wouldn’t that be sort of… unethical?
Boyfriend: No, it’s not! We just need to adjust our standards.
–Central Park
