Crazy-haired woman: There’s lots of elderly people around here.
Lady: Well, it’s life.
Crazy-haired woman: Yes, but specifically in the San Fernando Valley.
Lady: Mmm-hmmm.
Crazy-haired woman: Where are you from?
Lady: New York.
Crazy-haired woman: You must be Jewish or Italian — which?
Lady: I’m Jewish.
Crazy-haired woman: Oh, the best people and the best meat.
Lady: Excuse me?
Crazy-haired woman: The Jews — they’re the best people and the best meat.
–Pharmacy
Mother to lady behind her: I mean, I’m not going to eat one, but like, I don’t know — it’s Starbucks! They have those coffees that are just, like, so fucking good. I’m here to get one of those mocha chip things that are, like, totally 600 calories, but I mean, why would someone not have one of them? They are, like, so totally good. I mean, what — are you supposed to be like a fucking stick [holds up pinky]? I mean, I work out for, like, three hours a day so I can have one of these. I’m a mother of two young kids. I look so good, right?! I cook my own cupcakes, so, I mean, I def would never eat one from Starbucks. They just sit there all day. Ew, gross. I make my own cupcakes with applesauce, of course, because you know, my kids shouldn’t be fat because of me. Right? But like, I don’t understand why people wouldn’t have a mocha chip latte or whatever the fuck they’re called. I mean, it is why people work out, right?
Lady behind her: Um, maybe?
–Starbucks, 27th & 6th
Man: Excuse me, you cut in front of everyone.
Woman: Don’t tap me again or I will call the police!
Man: But you just walked right in front of all these people.
Woman: Tap me again, go ahead, and I’ll call the police. Tap me and I’ll also do my kung fu on you.
–1 train
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Crazy crackhead to himself: Bitch! They stole my fucking money! You know they did this one! You just fucking fall asleep and they just jacked me. Fucking cunts. [Undressing] I mean, fucking seriously! I just paid them and I just pass out and they just fucking steal my money. Those fucking asshole cunts. Where the fuck is my stash?!
McDonald’s manager: Sir, please put your pants on. There are children around.
–McDonald’s near Madison Square Garden
Riders scurry away as crazy woman yells at them and pokes them with her cane for sitting on one of her seats. Young woman boards train and sits.
Crazy woman: Wooo! Go! Go! Go! Wooo!
Young woman: Hey, you have three seats, and I’m just sitting on the edge of this one so you can have half. I am not getting up.
Crazy woman: Wooo!
Young woman: See all those people standing? It’s not fair for you to have four seats. [Crazy woman pulls down pants and starts peeing. Young woman gets up] Okay, you win.
–Manhattan-bound D train, Brooklyn
Black guy: I’m Jesus!
Woman: No, you’re not.
Black guy: Lady, I’m Jesus!
–A train
Overheard by: LSB
Columbia student: The Third Reich makes me sad.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Two girls dressed as Marie Antoinette stop to pose for photos.
Effeminate Louis XVI: I say, let them have bush — I’ll eat the cake!
–Houston & 6th Ave
Professor: Sometimes there’s even a box, and the box will have Harriet Tubman in it.
–Silver Center, Washington Square
Crazy guy: Abraham Lincoln is gay! That’s right, gay! Come on, now, I read the papers! You think I don’t read the papers?!
–6 train
Man on cell: I will go down as the biggest fatherfucker in history.
–Wall St & Broadway
Ranting man: Fuck George Steinbrenner now, fuck George Steinbrenner now!
Passerby: But why?
Ranting man: Don’t be an idiot! Because tomorrow will be too late! Fuck George Steinbrenner now!
–Broadway & 63rd
Overheard by: Mark
Man hitting woman next to him: Do you like that when I do it to you?
Woman, hitting man back: No!
Man, hitting woman again: If you don’t like it when someone does it to you, don’t do it to other people.
Woman, hitting man again: Don’t touch me! You were asleep, leaning on me!
Man: You ain’t cute! I wasn’t tryin’ to cop no feels!
–Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Guy: You can pour all the soup on it you want, that still won’t make it pancakes.
Woman, desperate: You don’t seem to realize, cigarettes are addictive!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Liz
