Wednesday Blood-Liners

British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.

–1 train

Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!

–Bronx Science engineering class

Overheard by: LSB

Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?

–41st & Broadway

Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.

–1 train

Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Ashley

Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: still recovering

Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Oh My God

Posted on July 4, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Ass, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Bronx Science, Business and Commerce, Classroom, Cleanliness, Clothing, Crazies, Death, Family Ties, Foreigners, Girlfriends, Hobos, Little Italy, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Port Authority, School, School and studying, Science, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Bronx, Vomit

And Nobody’s Getting a Library Card on My Watch

Lady #1: I wonder what that kid over there is reading.
Lady #2: God, if my kid read I’d kill it.
Lady #1: Amy!*
Lady #2: Seriously, I’m never buying my kids books.

–Yankee Stadium

Posted on June 26, 2007
Books & Writing, Crazies, Kids, Murder, Yankee Stadium

And That Radical Pakistani Madrasa

Old lady: So, it sounds like you’ve really got your life together.
Woo-woo chick: Yes, with the help of my therapist and my life coach, of course.

–Terminal 9, JFK

Posted on June 9, 2007
Crazies, JFK Airport, Old People, Psychology

Funny, I Don’t Feel Welcome

Guy #1: Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 doesn’t hear him.] Welcome to Earth.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Are you okay? You from around here?
Guy #2: Yeah, I’m fine.
Guy #1: Okay, that’s good. Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 leaves.] Asshole.

–C train

Overheard by: Ray

Posted on June 8, 2007
Crazies, Insults, On the Subway

US Military: Sign Here, Please

Crazy black guy: Yeah, man. You gotta get ’em while you far away so they don’t know who you is! Just pop! Gone.
Hobo: Yeah!
Crazy black guy: Man, I’d love to kill a man from far away!
Hobo: Haha!

–23rd & Park Ave South

Overheard by: lady v

Posted on May 29, 2007
Crazies, Hobos, Shoot

From The Sensuous Nazi

Girl #1: What would you do if a guy took you to a hotel for Valentine’s Day?
Girl #2: I guess I’d be like, ‘Oh, how sweet…’ Get into bed… Then shove a glass vase up his ass and run away. Naked. If he moved the glass vase would break and tear up his asshole, and he’d be pooping shards of glass out for a week.

–Park Slope

Posted on May 13, 2007
Crazies, Kink, Park Slope, Threats

To Treat My Misanthropy

Chick: Okay, here is my job application. Under ‘Goals’ I have, ‘Get my people skills to a comfortable level.’ For ‘Steps to Achieve These Goals’ I have, ‘Right now I am passive-aggressive, but I am working to become more aggressive.’
Dude: Ummm, I think you should take out the first ‘aggressive.’ Anyway, you aren’t passive-aggressive, you are bipolar.
Chick: I am not! I just hate everyone!
Dude: Then why do you take the crazy pills?

–A train, near Canal St

Posted on April 15, 2007
Crazies, Girls, Illness, On the Subway

A Hundred Dollars a Minute? That Better Be Freud Himself

Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don’t even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I’m not fucking dumb but I’m not. [His wife starts hitting him.]Drunk guy: Shut up! That’s what my two-year-old boy says — ‘Shut up’! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? … Excellent!

–Bx10 bus

Overheard by: LSB