Chick: Hey, you’re wearing red, white, and blue. So patriotic!
Dude: Heh, yeah. Go America.
Bushy black mustache guy, fully-clothed in denim: What’s wrong with America?! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything! When it’s hot in the elevator and the doors open, Santa says, ‘Get out!’ Oh, this is Santa’s floor! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything!
–Elevator, Fordham University
Overheard by: Kate
Scary woman in Che Guevara hat, trying to bite her own back: Asia is occupied!
Man in group of hot chicks: What the fuck?
Scary woman: Two drinks and you can piss in my pussy!
–Sammy’s Asian Gourmet, W 3rd & 6th
Overheard by: Alex
Man: Come on, baby, come back to my place!
Woman: Nah, the last time I went over to your place you stabbed me!
Man: Baby, that was four years ago!
–F train, Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Milo
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don’t know.
–2 train, Fulton St stop
Crazy bag lady: You got any matches, bitch?
Tourist girl: No…
Crazy bad lady: You got a lighter, bitch?
Tourist girl: No, I don’t smoke.
Crazy bad lady: Oh. Then you got any cigarettes, bitch?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: nonsmoker’s friend
Dude: … And I stabbed her with a pencil. That’s when she turned into a vampire!
Friend: Are you serious?
–Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Stef
Headline by: Arlene
Runners-Up:
· “Night Of the Living Spongebob” – Lalaith
· “Anne Rice Has Officially Run Out Of Ideas” – Jeff
· “It Might Be Time to Retire, Stephen King.” – space coyote
· “Sure I Am. Now Finish Your Paint Chips.” – Craig should be working
· “Tom Cruise Explains Scientology” – Meg
· “Undead Serious” – t.a.m.s.y.
Man: Do you know who I am?
Kid: What?
Man: Do you know who I am!
Kid: Uh…
Man: I’m King David! Do you know why I got this medal?
Kid: [Silent.]Man: For slaying Goliath!
–7 train
Overheard by: Matt
Hobo at end of rant: God bless John Lennon and Marvin Gaye, because John Lennon said, ‘All you need is love,’ and Marvin Gaye said, ‘What’s goin’ on.’
Old lady: Now, that’s a nice thing to remember.
–7 train
Overheard by: Tom
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
–1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
–Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
–41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
–1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
Lady #1: I wonder what that kid over there is reading.
Lady #2: God, if my kid read I’d kill it.
Lady #1: Amy!*
Lady #2: Seriously, I’m never buying my kids books.
–Yankee Stadium
