Crazy lady to cashier: Hi, how’s it going?! How are you, officer? [Extends hand] I’m Officer Anderson, from the 103rd [turns and walks out].
Cashier: I hate her…
–Miraaj Cafe, Flushing
Overheard by: just wants a gyro
Crazy lady to cashier: Hi, how’s it going?! How are you, officer? [Extends hand] I’m Officer Anderson, from the 103rd [turns and walks out].
Cashier: I hate her…
–Miraaj Cafe, Flushing
Overheard by: just wants a gyro
Crazy guy, unrolling huge chart: Look up, people! If you had looked up back there in the station, you would have seen paint and debris falling off the ceiling onto your heads! The city and the MTA don’t want you to know the reason why it’s falling off, but if you’ll look at this chart, you can see that I’ve carefully mapped out — every time the city repairs a street, directly below it the subway ceilings are falling down! See? They worked on 86th and Lex last week, and the ceiling is already falling down! [Continues ranting.]UES lady to hubby: Next time you book this train, get us a seat in the non-delusional car.
–6 train, between 86th & 72nd
Overheard by: Volunteer Witness
Crazy old man selling bubble guns: Welcome to Coney Island!
Emo teen: This isn’t Coney Island!
–14th & Broadway
Overheard by: smirkingonlooker
Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y’all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y’all don’t need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I’ll take four dollars! Look at me — I got no education, and I turned out just fine.
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers
Wheelbo: I don’t care what they say, I promise you I’ll pay you back.
–Battery Park
Overheard by: MBS
Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker… Hey, at least I’m not bullshitting you.
–35th & 4th
Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!
–E train
Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don’t you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!
–34th & 8th
Voice on PA system: Attention — if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don’t stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Kate
Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen…
–2 train
Overheard by: beeloo
God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson — what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you’re going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!
–Roosevelt Ave station
Overheard by: How come Jesus didn’t represent himself at the Crucifiction?
Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy — whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?
–21st St
Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey… I’m in the Bronx, preaching… I told you last night, remember? I said, ‘God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.’ Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!
–6 train
Angry woman on cell: I don’t care if you are an ordained fucking minister, you can go straight to fucking hell!
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Last-minute shopper
Crazy lady into microphone: Just because you don’t do drugs or have sex doesn’t mean you’re not going to hell!
–Subway station, 43rd & Broadway, Times Square
Teacher: Let’s go to hell!
–Stuyvesant High
Hobo: Is this the train to hell? It is! Oh my god, you’re all in purgatory!
–A train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Geneva
Scruffy artist type, to self: I’m not in hell, I’m in New York. I’m not in hell, I’m in New York…
–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital
Overheard by: David
Ragged man: You know, the president wears suits like these.
Employee: Oh, really? How do you know?
Ragged man: That doesn’t matter, but I do know that the Secret Service is just a tailoring shop that makes the president’s clothes.
Employee: I see… How do you know that?
Ragged man: I used to be the president!
–55th & Madison
Crazy guy: Happy New Year! Nice to see me!
Suit: Nice to see me, too.
–A train
Overheard by: Katie
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could’ve told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
–F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Crazy guy: … And all the companies of the New York Stock Exchange — I own them all… And you invest in them with my peanuts… And Sarah bought all the real estate in New York City with my money — it’s all mine.
Hobo: Bullshit. That squirrel over there sold it to me for an acorn.
Crazy guy: Shut up, bitch, before I throw you off my island!
–Bethesda Fountain, Central Park
