Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps

Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y’all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y’all don’t need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I’ll take four dollars! Look at me — I got no education, and I turned out just fine.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers

Wheelbo: I don’t care what they say, I promise you I’ll pay you back.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: MBS

Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker… Hey, at least I’m not bullshitting you.

–35th & 4th

Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!

–E train

Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don’t you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!

–34th & 8th

Posted on February 27, 2008
Battery Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Education, Fordham, Gripes, Hobos, Insults, Lies, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, News, On the Subway, Panhandling, Wheelbos

The Parable of Wednesday and the One-Liners

Voice on PA system: Attention — if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don’t stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Kate

Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen…

–2 train

Overheard by: beeloo

God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson — what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you’re going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!

–Roosevelt Ave station

Overheard by: How come Jesus didn’t represent himself at the Crucifiction?

Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy — whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?

–21st St

Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey… I’m in the Bronx, preaching… I told you last night, remember? I said, ‘God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.’ Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!

–6 train

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Anger Management, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Default, God Squad, Jesus, Jews, Men, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Religion, Staten Island Ferry, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Happy to Be Warm

Angry woman on cell: I don’t care if you are an ordained fucking minister, you can go straight to fucking hell!

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Last-minute shopper

Crazy lady into microphone: Just because you don’t do drugs or have sex doesn’t mean you’re not going to hell!

–Subway station, 43rd & Broadway, Times Square

Teacher: Let’s go to hell!

–Stuyvesant High

Hobo: Is this the train to hell? It is! Oh my god, you’re all in purgatory!

–A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Geneva

Scruffy artist type, to self: I’m not in hell, I’m in New York. I’m not in hell, I’m in New York…

–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: David

Posted on February 20, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Artists, Assholes, Crazies, Crazy, Drugs, Education, Hobos, Hospitals, Insults, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, Only in New York, Psychology, Religion, School, Sex, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Women

President of the David Hasselhoff Fan Club, Anyway

Ragged man: You know, the president wears suits like these.
Employee: Oh, really? How do you know?
Ragged man: That doesn’t matter, but I do know that the Secret Service is just a tailoring shop that makes the president’s clothes.
Employee: I see… How do you know that?
Ragged man: I used to be the president!

–55th & Madison

Posted on February 14, 2008
Crazies, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, President

It’s Good to Be Visible

Crazy guy: Happy New Year! Nice to see me!
Suit: Nice to see me, too.

–A train

Overheard by: Katie

Posted on February 5, 2008
Crazies, Etiquette, On the Subway, Suits

He Also Predicted We’d Find WMDs in Iraq

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could’ve told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!

–F train, 75th St, Forest Hills

Overheard by: trench coat commuter

Posted on December 31, 2007
Conductors, Crazies, Gripes, On the Subway, Public Transportation

At the Dementia Semifinals

Crazy guy: … And all the companies of the New York Stock Exchange — I own them all… And you invest in them with my peanuts… And Sarah bought all the real estate in New York City with my money — it’s all mine.
Hobo: Bullshit. That squirrel over there sold it to me for an acorn.
Crazy guy: Shut up, bitch, before I throw you off my island!

–Bethesda Fountain, Central Park

Posted on November 26, 2007
Central Park, Crazies, Hobos, Money & Class

Heaven Looks Just Like Hell, Except People Take Care of Each Other

Crazy lady: You know what, Eric? All of our friends? Fuck them. She wants to commit suicide, she wants the universe to explode — it’s fucked up. That’s why me and Baby are going to go get something to eat. You should come.
Crazy man #1, Eric: No, I can’t come. I don’t really feel like being outside. Last time all I wanted when I went outside was some milk and oranges, and I couldn’t find them anywhere.
Crazy man #2, Baby: Oh, then don’t worry. When we come back, we’ll find you oranges and milk on the way and bring them to you.
Crazy lady: Mama’s gonna bring you back a good orange. A Sunkist orange. You know what else Mama’s gonna do? Bring you some good milk. Milk and oranges for my Eric.

–Staten Island Ferry

Posted on November 3, 2007
Crazies, Ferry, Food

James Cameron Has Fallen on Hard Times

Crazy guy: Vote for me for king of the world!
Passerby: What on your resume qualifies you to be king of the world?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Morgan

Posted on September 30, 2007
Crazies, Jobs & Careers, Union Square and East Village

Security Guard: Ummm… My Breasts Are Just Malformed

Crazy lady, after announcement of impending closing: Don’t kick me out! You can’t kick me out — I’m handicapped! [Security guard stares.] I have my sticker! In my bag! [Announcement repeats in French.] I don’t even understand what she’s saying! [Minutes later] Hey! Is this a new Picasso? I’ve never seen this one before!

–MoMA

Overheard by: stoned assholes

Posted on September 24, 2007
Crazies, Gripes, MoMA

Crazies