Customers

How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?

Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma’am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: ‘Cause she’s a model, and I gotta get her something… [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she’d like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don’t know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]Salesgirl: Um, ma’am, there’s no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I’m not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.

–Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn

You Owe Us $500. So, Yes.

Client: You don’t abuse my dog, do you?
Groomer: Let me check your card.

–Animal clinic, Queens

You Know, Someone Asked For a ‘Book’ Again. That’s Like the 100th Time Today!

Customer: Do you have The Picture of Dorian Gray?
Employee: What is that?

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

It’s Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up With Trends

Hostess: Actually, you are sitting on the table.
Customer: Oops.

–Sushi Samba, 7th Avenue South

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Welcome to Irony Town, Kid

Guy: Dude, look at their Board of Health certificate on the wall there. It’s brown. No, it’s dirty!
Girl: Oh my God, that’s so filthy. What’s that on top there? [walks over] Jesus Christ, it’s a cockroach!

–Chinese restaurant, Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lunch Special

And Can You Tuck? Says Here ‘Girl Gets a Free Balloon.’

Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he’s thirteen.
Dad: It says here that if you’re eleven or younger, you get in free… How old are you?
Teen: Oh. Eleven.

–Roxy Deli

Overheard by: Kelsey
Headline by: Tom Dorey

Runners-Up:
· “And Don’t Forget, Your Mom’s Your Grandma And She Got That Black Eye Playing Bingo” – Kate
· “And it’s cheaper than regression therapy” – Kim
· “But He is 19 on Myspace” – DanC
· “Good Answer. Now Give Me $10 For Your Mother And Me.” – Hobo Whisperer
· “Good…now go shave your balls.” – Colin
· “If Your Mom Hadn’t Lied About her Age, You WOuldn’t Be Here Now” – Jason
· “Sorry, Not Applicable to Jews” – djingo
· “Still paying down the debt from Dad’s mid-life crisis” – Allison
· “You Know What I Like Better Than Welfare Checks? Nothing.” – Amos
· “You know I only get paid for sending them pre-teens” – kasey

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And It Wears Off in Six Hours!

Toy soldier doorman: Sorry, sir, the store is closing and we’re not letting anyone else in.
Guy: But I have an enormous expense account!

–FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: Dugan Hayes

She Has to Rebuff Him Three Times Before Answering the Question

Middle-aged female shopper: Excuse me, can you tell me where the matzoh is?
Fairway employee: Matzoh? I don’t know. What is that, a drink?

–Fairway Market, Red Hook, Brooklyn

I Just Cleared Up That Business With the Houngan

Cashier: $2.99? That’s cheap!
Female customer: That ain’t cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that’s cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don’t be puttin’ no bad vibe on my condoms!

–Duane Reade, 34th Street

Wow, what a dick.

Guy: Yeah, these Speedos won’t work for me. My dick’s too big for them. They never fit right.
Shopgirl: I’ve never seen a customer with that problem. Let’s see what else fits your.. you.

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Headline by: jgordon

Runners-Up:
· “A cock and bull story” – Guy

· “Finally, it matters.” – Ben Allaire

· “Try to contain yourself” – Jenny

· “We’ll just ignore the fact that your ass is too big for them, too” – Silvyr


· “Talk about a suspicious package…” – girlhattan

· “Clerks III: Bigger, Longer, Uncut” – JB

· “Everybody Wants to Fit In” – Dave Barnette

· “Pop Goes The Weasel” – Paul

· “He has the same problem with hats” – Kendal

· “If she keeps talking like that, they’ll fit even worse.” – bill

· “Quite a Pickle” – Dave Barnette

· “Speedon’t” – Sean McGurr

· “Too big for his britches” – suzie g

· “I am one size fits all” – twosko

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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