Dude #1: My girlfriend is allergic to gluten.
Dude #2: Having a girlfriend with a food allergy is worse than having a girlfriend with a dick!
–11th St & Ave B
Dude #1: My girlfriend is allergic to gluten.
Dude #2: Having a girlfriend with a food allergy is worse than having a girlfriend with a dick!
–11th St & Ave B
Girl #1: Here, take it.
Girl #2: I really don’t think this is necessary…
Girl #1: But you missed your period. And you’re all pukey. Don’t you want to know?
Girl #2: But I don’t think I am.
Girl #1: Well, I can’t date him until we know he’s not your baby daddy!
Girl #2: Start dating him! It’s fine. I don’t think I am!
Girl #1: Will you just pee on the fucking stick?!
–Bathroom, bar, Williamsburg
Trendy Asian girl on cell: So, Max came over last night and we were in the kitchen, and he lifted me up onto the counter and was like, ‘I am gonna fuck you so hard,’ and I was like, ‘Whoa, oh my god!’ But I couldn’t go through with it. So he walked over to the fridge, opened it up, and put his head inside and started, like, banging his head against the wall. I know, can you believe that?
–LIRR
Overheard by: Emily Leatrice
Hipster: I’d feel more comfortable in a sex club than going on a date.
–Penn Station
Hot chick on cell: Yes! Yes! O-M-G! We are sooo going to have a sex-a-thon! Get the girls together, my place, tonight! [To gawking passengers] Sex and the City -athon. Fucking perverts. W-T-F.
–N train
Overheard by: not invited
Teacher: Every time you put a penis into a vagina you’re risking sex.
–Health Class, LaGuardia HS
Overheard by: mf
Girl: I heard two people having really loud sex on my floor last night. It was either gay guys or Asians, I couldn’t tell.
–Cafeteria, Manhattan School of Music
Overheard by: Christiana Little
Fat suit: He made me watch while he fucked some girl, so I’m gonna make him watch while I fuck some guy!
–Astor Pl
Overheard by: Glad I wasn’t the other guy…
20-ish chick: What? I fornicate all the time, and I’ve never been arrested!
–Subway station
Overheard by: subwayrider
Girl #1: Every time we go out she’s all like, ‘I need a boyfriend sooo bad!’ And all she does is bitch about how she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Well, it’s like, ‘Of course you don’t have a boyfriend — maybe if your blubber didn’t hang down over your jeans some guy would want you.’ No guy wants to mount a beached whale… Well, unless they’re into that kind of thing…
Girl #2: I know the perfect guy.
Girl #1: I bet he’s real hot.
–Columbia University
Girl: So, yeah, he took me to dinner at this Japanese place and–
Friend: –What’s his background?
Girl: He went to Georgetown and majored in–
Friend: –No. What color is he?
Girl: Oh, he’s white.
Friend, disappointed: That’s so boring… You’re sure? Plain white?
–116th & Broadway
Guy #1: I try to stay away from Italian women.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Because they are hairy.
–Broadway & 50th
Overheard by: Keithrez
Midlife crisis #1: So, she met this really nice guy at a UFO convention.
Midlife crisis #2: Oh, really?
Midlife crisis #1: Yeah. He claimed he was abducted by Artylians.
Midlife crisis #2: Oh! That helps.
–Waiting area, NY Penn
Woman #1: So, he takes me to see Eragon, and then he walks me to my door and he’s like, ‘Can I come up?’ And I’m all like, ‘No way,’ and he’s like, ‘Why not?’ And I’m like, ‘ ‘Cause you had sex with my sister, you asshole!’ Can you believe that?!
Woman #2: Why did you even go out with him?
Woman #1: I like dragons.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: i like dragons too
Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I’s just sayin’!
Girlfriend, apologetically hugging him: Aw, you didn’t say you was jus’ sayin’!
–Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Danial
Dude: So, you’re a lesbian?!
Chick: Yes! I am a lesbian!
Dude: Wait, so does that mean we can’t go out anymore?
–6 train, 59th St
Overheard by: Emma
