Roommate #1: Were you dreaming about Jason last night? You were moaning so loud it woke me up.
Roommate #2: Oh my god, I was? Have I ever done that before?
Roommate #1: All the time. Every once in a while I think about kicking you or something to see if you cum.
–NYU
Five-year-old boy: Let’s play Spin the Bottle!
Friend with water bottle: Yeah!
–228 E 23rd St
Friend #1: Health insurance, workman’s comp, and bacon — you can’t get much better than that.
Friend #2: I know.
–Elevator, Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Chick: Oh my god, Ali. You totally motorboated me at the bar last night!
Ali: And then you showed your tits to everyone, you whore.
Chick: Yeah, but I got a free shot.
Ali: And I do enjoy seeing your tits…
Ali’s boyfriend: Is it weird that you like her tits more than me?
–Metro North out of Fordham
Dude: On the full moon he’s going to sprout Lee Press On nails!
Chick: I can’t believe he got bit by a tranny…
–Union Square
Guy #1: I don’t know… Which bag should I get?
Girl employee: Well, you should get a laptop cover and a padded bag.
Guy #2: Excuse me, that’s not necessary.
Girl employee: Well, that way it keeps your computer safer.
Guy #2: But it would be like wearing two condoms at the same time.
Girl employee: True.
Guy #1: Thanks. To both of you. I have a lot to think about.
–Apple Store, Soho
Guy #1: … And then she tried to shank me in the back, and that’s when I had to slap a ho.
Guy #2: Damn, I feel some percolatin’ goin’ on.
–Tribeca
15-year-old girl #1 tapping cigarette box: I totally think that these make me look classy. A person with a box of cigarettes just looks classy.
15-year-old girl #2, giggling: Yeah, I don’t know what he’s talking about. Cigarettes look way better in a mouth than a penis.
–7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Stereotype or caricature
Chick: Whoa, you were married?
Guy: Yup. Six years.
Chick: What happened?
Guy: Ummm… We were too different.
Chick: Different how?
Guy: Well, I’m the kind of person who wanted to pay off all his med school bills and live abroad for a few years. She’s the kind of person who wanted to fuck other guys.
Chick: [Shocked.]Guy: Hey, you asked.
–F train, York St
Chick #1: Dude, he’s totally got that Napoleon complex.
Chick #2: Nah, man, he’s just an asshole that happens to be short.
–F train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kryssy K.
