Parents

Why Kids Thrive in Day Care, Explained

Disgruntled mom #1: I told you kids to behave! I’m going to tell your father about this! No treats for you today, no treats! [To Disgruntled mom #2] They never listen to me.
Disgruntled mom #2: So, have you decided whether you’re going to go back to work instead of your husband?
Disgruntled mom #1, as one child shakes salt onto tables and licks it off: Well, we’ve talked about it. The problem is, I just don’t think my kids would get the same kind of attention and care.

–McDonald’s, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: paying more attention to her kids than she is

Wednesday One-Liners for the Breeders

Father to eight-year-old daughter: Let me put it this way: your opinion has merit, but it doesn’t have weight.

–SoHo

Angry mom: What?! We were just in the bathroom — you said, ‘No’! Can you hold it? [Four-year-old son shakes his head.] Augh! What is the matter with you? I am so mad at you right now!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Kyla

Mother pushing young child in stroller: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: USY lover

Mother to young son: I would love to know how this obsession with canned peaches got started.

–M102 bus

Nanny to four-year-old: Heather*, you don’t seem very centered today.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: em

I Went Through All that Hypnosis to Recover This?

Father carrying plastic pitchfork: Fuck that. Fuck that, bitch! Fuck that!
Mother in disheveled wildcat costume to crying son: It’s okay, baby. You’re not in trouble. Daddy and I are just arguing.
Father: Yeah, fuck you, Mommy. Yo, fuck that. Yo, Daddy is leavin’. Daddy is gone, boy.
Mother: It’s okay, baby.
Father to son: Shut the fuck up, faggot bitch! [Turns to mother] Don’t turn my son against me, bitch!

–24th St & 9th Ave

And Our Heat is On

Little boy: My mom used to go to the doctor because she couldn’t have a baby.
Nanny: Oh, really?
Little boy: Yep. Now, she just goes to the landlord.

–Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: Rhea

Hippies, Huh?

Girl #1: You mean, your parents never kept you in a cage as a child?
Girl #2: Uh… no.

–110th & Broadway

Oh, Must Be My Dad, Then

Ditzy tween: Wait, what? Isn’t your dad in prison?
Friend: Um… No…
Ditzy tween: Isn’t that what you told me? Or maybe it was your uncle?
Friend: Nobody I know is in prison.

–Bus

Overheard by: if i had a nickle…

Next Time, I’m Drawing the Line at Diapers

Chick: So how was the baby shower?
Guy: It was nice. My mother decorated it — there were hanging diapers everywhere and shit. It was cute.

–N train

Overheard by: tanechka

Oooh, Could They Be Both?

NJ mom on cell with son #1: Anthony! Anthony, It’s Mamma. Stop crying right now. It’s okay, honey. It’s going to stop hurting in two minutes. Jesus, with the sobbing already! Put your brother on.
NJ mom on cell with son #2: I want you to stop doing that thing to your brother. If you make him cry again I’m going to make you cry. Do you hear me? Don’t play stupid with me. I get enough of that from it your father. What? Put him on… Stop laughing… Put Daddy on the phone or so help me Jesus…
NJ mom on phone with the father: Jerkoff, what the fuck is going on over there? I leave the house for five goddamm minutes and you are all flicking each other’s balls again… Stop fucking laughing. You are going to make them retarded or gay or something!

–Clinique counter at Bloomingdales, 59th St

Overheard by: waiting online behind her

Put that Swatch Down!

Father: What is your favorite color?
Son, sitting in cart: Um…Pink!
Father: No! It’s black or maybe blue.

–Paint aisle, Home Depot, Staten Island

Funny how ‘Bitch’ Is Worse than Mother Sex

Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I’m going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin’.

–Sheridan Square

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